Sunday, September 25, 2011

Soul Care

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Every day feels long/
Every moment is the start of a song/
It's a call to be true/
It's a call to be true

Be true inside and out
Change the things in me that need out
I've never felt so naked
I've never felt so empty
I'm in need of you.
I'm in need of you.

All around me is uncertainty

What Does a Man Do?

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So what does a man do the day after Christmas?
1. You Tube his son (4) on drums
2. Laundry
3. R' to Target at 7am (me, home arbitrating new stuff and who gets it when)
4. Did I mention the drums, LOUD! In our Living Room! Can you say sound paneling?
5. Water backyard
6. Work day on Saturday, things seem to break (and not get fixed) during the holidays right?

Hope your Christmas was great. Probably one of the best moments was adopting a family on 7th and Lime Ave in the LBC. We brought over $500.00 of new toys, clothes, ham I baked myself, a Christmas tree and carols. 10 of our family members went to their one bedroom apartment, to visit Carinna, an immigrant single parent coming out of gangs and her 5 children ages 9 to 6 months. Her niece, teenager, is also staying with her during Christmas (here from Mexico). They both spoke of being abused as young girls by their parents and how they struggle forgiving them.

I spoke to them from John 6 of Jesus being the Bread of Life, of Him being our forgiveness, of the grace and mercy of our God. I told them that we hope the gifts would remind them of the love of God, that God knows exactly everything and yet loves them no matter what. She kept saying how tough it is to forgive. We can't even imagine. She had tears in her eyes.

We listened to them, loved them, prayed together, our children playing with theirs as one family. They spoke mostly Spanish, but the language didn't matter, we were there in the Spirit of God and love.

I learned so much that night, that even beyond "giving" to a family in need, that the message of forgiveness and grace is so important. The pain in Carinna's life is evident, and no church or pastor can heal her heart, only the grace of God can.

And those gifts in her house, now opened, her children playing, perhaps on to the next thing, represent to her more than stuff. They represent the grace of God and the forgiveness of God offered to her.

I don't think Carinna has yet experienced this forgiveness, but in a way she experienced it in those moments when we were one, our families in Christ, offering love and acceptance to each other. The rest is up to God.

Seeing With Your Eyes Closed

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They say you should always have a focus when you write. Well, I'm not sure I have a focus for this entry, but I guess if I did, it'd be blindness.

I'm not blind, nor going blind, but sometimes it feels like I can't see the road ahead.

There have been many great things in our lives lately - jobs, opportunities, amazing people. For example yesterday I was coming home from a meeting with the leadership of our church, and felt inspired, filled with dreams and possibilities, thankful because even though we're small, our dreams and hopes are huge.

But then I got home and have felt sick all day, headaches, tired, exhausted, just weary. I've been pushing pretty hard the last two months and I'm hitting a bit of a wall.

Sometimes I push for fear of not being accepted or liked. Other times it's just my personality, I'm a doer and an achiever and I don't like sitting still when important things need to get done. But the reality is that my tank is mostly filled by people, music, by meditating, resting and doing things I love such as being alone or playing music. That fuels me to do great things.

But blindness comes when I don't do those things. And when I lose my vision, it gets me down, it makes me focus on the hard things in life, versus how those hard things are actually a path towards something great.

But other times I see and it makes me glad. Again, after yesterday's leadership meeting, I came home filled with perspective, connecting things in my life, in awe of how God is weaving together things, guiding me, being with me amidst so much change.

Do you see the signs? Can you see things clearly right now? Are you able to see with your eyes closed?

Sickness is often a sign to slow down, to rest, to take time for yourself, all things I don't like to do. I also think that sickness can be a time to see things better. To realize how "fragile we are", that we "are but dust", to be loved by others, to not always give, but to receive. Again, all things I don't do very well.

Sometimes when I close me eyes, I see the reflection of the sun outside my window, I hear the sounds of our son playing Legos on the floor, I feel my body letting down, I hear my heart beating.

Not seeing is normally seen as a bad thing, after all, who would want to be blind for even an hour? But I thank God that during those times when my eyes are blind, the reflections, sounds and people around me remind me that to be blind can actually be a time to see things even more clearly.