Welcome back. You belong here.
I'll be doing a blog fast for the next 3 days: Friday-Sunday. I'll start up again next Monday. It'll be good for me, less writing and thinking out loud here and more processing, praying.
I got the idea from TallSkinnyKiwi: The Spirituality of Not Blogging. Here's what he had to say:
"At my seminar, I also talked about the spirituality of not blogging which include disciplines such as refusing to jump into the internet before prayerful mediation, and the 'BLOG FAST' in which we take 3 days off to nail our blog to the cross and purge our addition to readership, hits and traffic. But then you cant experience the spiritual joys of not blogging unless you blog in the first place."
Into the future,
davidT
UPDATE: The fast has gone on longer than 3 days, which I've actually needed. It's been very good for me, a great discipline. I can say I have "nailed my blog to the cross and purge my addiction to readership, hits and traffics." I have not been able to keep up with all of you my friends, I have missed you, but that too has been part of my fast and it's been good. So now, I am done with my blog fast. Thank you for your friendship.
Thursday, September 29, 2005
Monday, September 26, 2005
I Surrender Lord, I Think
Welcome back. You are welcomed here.
Last night slash early this morning it all came to a head. Couldn't sleep, worried about a million little things, feeling attacked in the usual areas – you’re not important, God can't use you, comparing myself to others who seem to have it all together, focusing on all I'm not, forgetting God's promises and goodness.
So as I prayed, I told God through my tears, "Jesus, why don't you help me? Why do you let me go through these times..." "I wish I would feel none of these things, why do I keep coming back to this place? Why don't you help me?"
One of those nights...
The more I prayed, the more upset I got at the seeming silence from God, which made me feel even more awake, ie not sleeping which frustrated me even further. I kept saying, "Jesus, why don't you let me sleep?"
Amazing how much why this and why that is in my conscience in times like these. We all know Job's story and the foolishness of why questions, but there I was, being human and a fool. Been there before. How about you?
Then something really weird happened as I prayed. I fell asleep. What was weird about that is that I didn't feel tired at that particularly moment, it was as if God said, "let me show you how powerful I am. I can put you to sleep in the blink of an eye, that's how great and awesome I am..." I woke up sort of shocked at the experience of falling asleep unexpectedly, as if I had angered God and He showed me a little bit of his power and that I am but dust.
This morning it all kept hitting me like a ton of bricks. So as I layed on the floor talking to my wife about last night and with little David running around us with his truck, we talked. I love those moments when we can be real with one another. She encouraged me to not swing all the way to the other side, but to listen to God’s voice. Good advice.
I've been unwilling to give God control, I've been holding on too tightly to my life, job, decisions, who I'm supposed to be, what I'm supposed to be doing. And for the last 4-5 weeks I was sure trying to be all things to all people. It doesn't work, it never does, not for long at least. God wasn't anywhere to be found, not in my songs or in my worship, not in my service or leadership, not in my blogging or songwriting.
He was in the surrendering. Last night, there He was and it wasn't pretty, in fact it was almost scary. God is a consuming fire. Yes, I remember that Third Day tune, I thought it was just a song.
I have to surrender trying to do stuff on my own strength. You know, the Fall Kick Off thing and all that goes with that in churches, where you have to DO, DO, DO. I've been there, and I've done more this year than ever. God is at work, people are being changed, lives are being touched, artist transformation is happening, I'm counseling, serving, singing, etc. There have been some dud moments along the way as well. But it's been a lot of me and not enough of God.
"I consider all things loss, for the sake of knowing you..."
The irony is that I've been seeking God, in His Word, worship, friendships, at home, but I have not been listening or obeying God's voice. He’s been telling me to surrender it all and I’ve been unwilling to do it.
Psalm 33 was the latest challenge:
16 No king is saved by the size of his army;
no warrior escapes by his great strength.
17 A horse is a vain hope for deliverance;
despite all its great strength it cannot save.
18 But the eyes of the LORD are on those who fear him,
on those whose hope is in his unfailing love,
19 to deliver them from death
and keep them alive in famine.
20 We wait in hope for the LORD;
he is our help and our shield.
21 In him our hearts rejoice,
for we trust in his holy name.
22 May your unfailing love rest upon us, O LORD,
even as we put our hope in you.
It's not the size of the army that saves me, it's not the great ministry around me that makes me or breaks me, it's not my efforts that make me look good or not. If the Lord had not been on our side, we would have despaired. Apart from me you can do nothing.
Yeah, yeah, I know. And that's been my problem, I thought I was doing well but I wasn't. I was counseling people with the stuff, but not heeding it myself. So no song has been written, no book, just this post to you the reader. I'm no where special or new or exciting except humbled and 'filthy in my sin' of rebellion, control, self-dependency and disobedience.
The Spirit says, “Trust me. Let me guide you, I am the best thing in your life. I am your wisdom for life, for ministry, for leadership. I am your worship leader, your administrator, your pastor, your guide and counselor, I am the Spirit.” Yes, Lord, not to us but to Your Name be the glory. Let me start there, let me not forget this moment.
I surrender Lord, I think.
I am sinful and temporal and forgetful and my flesh is weak. But my heart has turned to You. You are my all in all Jesus, help my unbelief, forgive my rebellious nature, turn not your Spirit from me, my bones are out of joint, I am broken and alone. But my heart has turned to You. Don’t stay away, there’s no one to help but You, don’t stay away, what else can I say but You? But You. Save me, Oh Lord.
Into the future,
davidT
Last night slash early this morning it all came to a head. Couldn't sleep, worried about a million little things, feeling attacked in the usual areas – you’re not important, God can't use you, comparing myself to others who seem to have it all together, focusing on all I'm not, forgetting God's promises and goodness.
So as I prayed, I told God through my tears, "Jesus, why don't you help me? Why do you let me go through these times..." "I wish I would feel none of these things, why do I keep coming back to this place? Why don't you help me?"
One of those nights...
The more I prayed, the more upset I got at the seeming silence from God, which made me feel even more awake, ie not sleeping which frustrated me even further. I kept saying, "Jesus, why don't you let me sleep?"
Amazing how much why this and why that is in my conscience in times like these. We all know Job's story and the foolishness of why questions, but there I was, being human and a fool. Been there before. How about you?
Then something really weird happened as I prayed. I fell asleep. What was weird about that is that I didn't feel tired at that particularly moment, it was as if God said, "let me show you how powerful I am. I can put you to sleep in the blink of an eye, that's how great and awesome I am..." I woke up sort of shocked at the experience of falling asleep unexpectedly, as if I had angered God and He showed me a little bit of his power and that I am but dust.
This morning it all kept hitting me like a ton of bricks. So as I layed on the floor talking to my wife about last night and with little David running around us with his truck, we talked. I love those moments when we can be real with one another. She encouraged me to not swing all the way to the other side, but to listen to God’s voice. Good advice.
I've been unwilling to give God control, I've been holding on too tightly to my life, job, decisions, who I'm supposed to be, what I'm supposed to be doing. And for the last 4-5 weeks I was sure trying to be all things to all people. It doesn't work, it never does, not for long at least. God wasn't anywhere to be found, not in my songs or in my worship, not in my service or leadership, not in my blogging or songwriting.
He was in the surrendering. Last night, there He was and it wasn't pretty, in fact it was almost scary. God is a consuming fire. Yes, I remember that Third Day tune, I thought it was just a song.
I have to surrender trying to do stuff on my own strength. You know, the Fall Kick Off thing and all that goes with that in churches, where you have to DO, DO, DO. I've been there, and I've done more this year than ever. God is at work, people are being changed, lives are being touched, artist transformation is happening, I'm counseling, serving, singing, etc. There have been some dud moments along the way as well. But it's been a lot of me and not enough of God.
"I consider all things loss, for the sake of knowing you..."
The irony is that I've been seeking God, in His Word, worship, friendships, at home, but I have not been listening or obeying God's voice. He’s been telling me to surrender it all and I’ve been unwilling to do it.
Psalm 33 was the latest challenge:
16 No king is saved by the size of his army;
no warrior escapes by his great strength.
17 A horse is a vain hope for deliverance;
despite all its great strength it cannot save.
18 But the eyes of the LORD are on those who fear him,
on those whose hope is in his unfailing love,
19 to deliver them from death
and keep them alive in famine.
20 We wait in hope for the LORD;
he is our help and our shield.
21 In him our hearts rejoice,
for we trust in his holy name.
22 May your unfailing love rest upon us, O LORD,
even as we put our hope in you.
It's not the size of the army that saves me, it's not the great ministry around me that makes me or breaks me, it's not my efforts that make me look good or not. If the Lord had not been on our side, we would have despaired. Apart from me you can do nothing.
Yeah, yeah, I know. And that's been my problem, I thought I was doing well but I wasn't. I was counseling people with the stuff, but not heeding it myself. So no song has been written, no book, just this post to you the reader. I'm no where special or new or exciting except humbled and 'filthy in my sin' of rebellion, control, self-dependency and disobedience.
The Spirit says, “Trust me. Let me guide you, I am the best thing in your life. I am your wisdom for life, for ministry, for leadership. I am your worship leader, your administrator, your pastor, your guide and counselor, I am the Spirit.” Yes, Lord, not to us but to Your Name be the glory. Let me start there, let me not forget this moment.
I surrender Lord, I think.
I am sinful and temporal and forgetful and my flesh is weak. But my heart has turned to You. You are my all in all Jesus, help my unbelief, forgive my rebellious nature, turn not your Spirit from me, my bones are out of joint, I am broken and alone. But my heart has turned to You. Don’t stay away, there’s no one to help but You, don’t stay away, what else can I say but You? But You. Save me, Oh Lord.
Into the future,
davidT
Friday, September 23, 2005
Sometimes You're Just Not Writing
Welcome back. You are welcomed here.
Sometimes the blog writing 'gene' just isn't there. You know what I'm talking about. This is such a time. Not much to say.
In terms of song writing, I'm not writing much either, instead I'm learning new melodies. I don't want to write more songs in the same way I've been writing them, with the same sound and melodic structure I've been doing. So I'm listening to Sting, Coldplay (of course), John Mayer and others just analyzing beautiful melodies such as "Sacred Love", "Come Back to Bed", "You Should Be Dancing", "Message" and others.
I'm looking at their intervals, where they start in the scale, chord progressions, analyzing what makes these songs sound so beautiful. I got the idea from Mute Math, when asked how they make music.
Someone told me today, "I'm glad someone's doing that...." I guess I am.
Into the future,
davidT
Sometimes the blog writing 'gene' just isn't there. You know what I'm talking about. This is such a time. Not much to say.
In terms of song writing, I'm not writing much either, instead I'm learning new melodies. I don't want to write more songs in the same way I've been writing them, with the same sound and melodic structure I've been doing. So I'm listening to Sting, Coldplay (of course), John Mayer and others just analyzing beautiful melodies such as "Sacred Love", "Come Back to Bed", "You Should Be Dancing", "Message" and others.
I'm looking at their intervals, where they start in the scale, chord progressions, analyzing what makes these songs sound so beautiful. I got the idea from Mute Math, when asked how they make music.
Someone told me today, "I'm glad someone's doing that...." I guess I am.
Into the future,
davidT
Monday, September 19, 2005
The Confidence to Serve
Welcome back. You belong here.
In the book "Working with Emotional Intelligence" it says that an emotionally intelligent person (I love that term) has three things:
1. EMOTIONAL AWARENESS: The recognition of how our emotions affect our performance, and the ability to guide our values to guide decision making.
This is crucial for me. On personality tests I'm off the chart on emotions, but I've learned to recognize when I'm being emotional, pause, give it a day or two, and then make my decision based upon values. My values are clear, those hardly change.
2. ACCURATE SELF-ASSESMENT: A candid sense of our personal strengths and limits, a clear vision of where we need to improve, and the ability to learn from experience.
This has been a hard one for me but I'm growing in it as well. I can do many things well, but only a few very well. There are things I don't do well. When people say to me, "David, you do .... well", I'm understanding it as true.
One big revelation and it's really an issue of surrendering pride, position, power, etc. is when I recently told the Lord, "..I don't have to teach it, lead it, speak it, play it, sing it....send the people that will do what they do best, send those who will lead, organize, I will do whatever you want me to do, I will work the parking lot, I will work the 4-year old class, you know what I do best Lord, use me in anyway you want, as long as I get to be a part of your kingdom work and its expansion." That may sound obvious, but it was huge for me because it dealt with self-assesment. Just yesterday, I was setting up tables and picking up trash at a church event. I did it gladly.
If I was to rank three of my strengths and three weaknesses, I would say the strengths deal with vision, relationships and the arts, while the weaknesses deal with structure, systems and organization. I also need to extend more grace, laugh more often, be more kind and gentle, make quicker decisions, be less uptight, and have more realistic expectations. Apart from that I'm great!
I have a passion for Jesus and His kingdom, for people and relationships, to equip others, to love, to think of what could be. If that's good enough, Lord send me!
3. SELF-CONFIDENCE: The courage that comes from certainty about our capabilities, values and goals.
This one has been the biggest area of growth for me, to thyself be true. To know myself and to go deep in those areas, to say no to things I don't do well. I also want to do keep doing things that stretch me. As when I went to Russia, working with 32 children for 2 weeks was not my strength, but God stretched me and taught me to love children sacrificially. That experience, although not in my area of strength, shaped me for the rest of my life. I still miss those children.
I'm also learning to step into my call more and more even when it's scary. I'm learning to propose ideas, to offer a different or similar view, to ask the hard questions, to let my vote count. These are the things that I've struggled with and others have criticized me for not using 'my influence'. I'm working on that and I feel God's strength when I speak up in unity and love, not afraid, but confident in what God is doing.
At the end of the day self-sacrifice, service and humility are some of the traits that mark a great life. I'm thankful for all the pastors, leaders and regular folk that teach me daily to lead and to serve. I need more of your help. I am so unqualified if not for the grace of King Jesus. He was the ultimate emotionally intelligent person, He knew his cause, his power, his purpose in coming to Earth. I want to be like you Lord.
Into the future,
davidT
In the book "Working with Emotional Intelligence" it says that an emotionally intelligent person (I love that term) has three things:
1. EMOTIONAL AWARENESS: The recognition of how our emotions affect our performance, and the ability to guide our values to guide decision making.
This is crucial for me. On personality tests I'm off the chart on emotions, but I've learned to recognize when I'm being emotional, pause, give it a day or two, and then make my decision based upon values. My values are clear, those hardly change.
2. ACCURATE SELF-ASSESMENT: A candid sense of our personal strengths and limits, a clear vision of where we need to improve, and the ability to learn from experience.
This has been a hard one for me but I'm growing in it as well. I can do many things well, but only a few very well. There are things I don't do well. When people say to me, "David, you do .... well", I'm understanding it as true.
One big revelation and it's really an issue of surrendering pride, position, power, etc. is when I recently told the Lord, "..I don't have to teach it, lead it, speak it, play it, sing it....send the people that will do what they do best, send those who will lead, organize, I will do whatever you want me to do, I will work the parking lot, I will work the 4-year old class, you know what I do best Lord, use me in anyway you want, as long as I get to be a part of your kingdom work and its expansion." That may sound obvious, but it was huge for me because it dealt with self-assesment. Just yesterday, I was setting up tables and picking up trash at a church event. I did it gladly.
If I was to rank three of my strengths and three weaknesses, I would say the strengths deal with vision, relationships and the arts, while the weaknesses deal with structure, systems and organization. I also need to extend more grace, laugh more often, be more kind and gentle, make quicker decisions, be less uptight, and have more realistic expectations. Apart from that I'm great!
I have a passion for Jesus and His kingdom, for people and relationships, to equip others, to love, to think of what could be. If that's good enough, Lord send me!
3. SELF-CONFIDENCE: The courage that comes from certainty about our capabilities, values and goals.
This one has been the biggest area of growth for me, to thyself be true. To know myself and to go deep in those areas, to say no to things I don't do well. I also want to do keep doing things that stretch me. As when I went to Russia, working with 32 children for 2 weeks was not my strength, but God stretched me and taught me to love children sacrificially. That experience, although not in my area of strength, shaped me for the rest of my life. I still miss those children.
I'm also learning to step into my call more and more even when it's scary. I'm learning to propose ideas, to offer a different or similar view, to ask the hard questions, to let my vote count. These are the things that I've struggled with and others have criticized me for not using 'my influence'. I'm working on that and I feel God's strength when I speak up in unity and love, not afraid, but confident in what God is doing.
At the end of the day self-sacrifice, service and humility are some of the traits that mark a great life. I'm thankful for all the pastors, leaders and regular folk that teach me daily to lead and to serve. I need more of your help. I am so unqualified if not for the grace of King Jesus. He was the ultimate emotionally intelligent person, He knew his cause, his power, his purpose in coming to Earth. I want to be like you Lord.
Into the future,
davidT
Wednesday, September 14, 2005
Do You Have New Music?
Welcome back. You belong here.
The worship leader's never ending task. New music, new worship material. We do about 50% original stuff, but I'm always looking for new songs.
What are you listening to that you recommend? I'm into just about anything, hip-hop, R&B, rock, pop, urban, emo, indie. Hymns are always in. No country or Southern Gospel. Sorry.
I'm especially hungry for something with some flavor.
Into the future,
davidT
The worship leader's never ending task. New music, new worship material. We do about 50% original stuff, but I'm always looking for new songs.
What are you listening to that you recommend? I'm into just about anything, hip-hop, R&B, rock, pop, urban, emo, indie. Hymns are always in. No country or Southern Gospel. Sorry.
I'm especially hungry for something with some flavor.
Into the future,
davidT
Monday, September 12, 2005
It Feels Good To Read at 8pm
Welcome back. You are welcomed here.
Had dinner together as a family, then I washed the dishes, swept the floor, cleaned the table. This morning, mowed the lawn (front and back, I do my own yard work), chest and back, abs, treadmill (25mns). We let out a butterfly, saw it spread its wings for the first time.
Children are down. Sang, prayed for them together with Rachelle.
Lit two candles on the kitchen counter, classical music (I was listening to Sting and 'banda' music prior to that).
Now, I'm reading about the Council of Nicea, studying for my quiz (Wed. Talbot seminary, Survey of Theology). I've been reading for a good 25mns now. Sometimes it feels good just to read slowly, letting it all sink in, line by line (I power read most of the time). Good times, today was a beautiful sunny day.
Heart rate: Slow and steady
Mood: Content
Into the future,
davidT
Had dinner together as a family, then I washed the dishes, swept the floor, cleaned the table. This morning, mowed the lawn (front and back, I do my own yard work), chest and back, abs, treadmill (25mns). We let out a butterfly, saw it spread its wings for the first time.
Children are down. Sang, prayed for them together with Rachelle.
Lit two candles on the kitchen counter, classical music (I was listening to Sting and 'banda' music prior to that).
Now, I'm reading about the Council of Nicea, studying for my quiz (Wed. Talbot seminary, Survey of Theology). I've been reading for a good 25mns now. Sometimes it feels good just to read slowly, letting it all sink in, line by line (I power read most of the time). Good times, today was a beautiful sunny day.
Heart rate: Slow and steady
Mood: Content
Into the future,
davidT
Saturday, September 10, 2005
From Doing to Serving
Welcome back. You belong here.Today, I switched from doing a ministry at the church, to leading leaders that will carry it on.
I've done this other times, so you'd think I'd realize it on the spot, but today it caught me by surprise. At our Artist Catalyst meeting (leaders in the Arts), I thought I needed to do most of the work in a certain area of our Arts ministry. I had invited two leaders to come join the group thinking they would want to help some, but I quickly realized that they were ready to own this thing!
So on my way home, I prayed, asked the Lord for His advice, listened to His Spirit, questioned some of my feelings that weren't right (the Spirit often does this!) and called them and said, this is yours, run with it.
These two leaders have been serving faithfully in the Arts and now they're ready to fly. I will still be there for them but in a different way which actually I am best at, that of visionary, servant, encourager and equipper. And they get to do what they do best and together we get to see the Body grow and be equipped and see Artists lives be changed for eternity. Wow.
It's tough to grow as a leader and make decisions when least expected, but when people feel your support and feel you believe in them (artists especially need this), it's a beautiful thing.
UDPATE: Speaking of leadership, did you see the report last night on the Dream Center housing over 200 Katrina evacuees? Matthew Barnette is my hero. I was just at the Dream Center two Sundays ago and I am even more impressed now. The report said that there is a Dream Center in a city near New Orleans and one thing led to another. Amazing leadership Matthew, good job!
They're in need of 200 volunteers to sort and organize donations, lift heavy boxes, answer phones, sort clothes. I'm going next week and taking a group with me. I don't want to just sit around, I want to do something.
Into the future,
davidT
Sunday, September 04, 2005
Updated Blogs I Read List
Welcome back. You are welcomed here.
I updated my "blogs I read" list today. There are a lot of great blogs out there. I actually read more than the ones I have listed here, but these are the ones I read most often. Check them out!
If you have a blog and you're not on my list, let me know. I may already read your blog and may just not have you on my list. If you read my blog, and don't have a blog of your own, what are you waiting for?
Into the future,
davidT
I updated my "blogs I read" list today. There are a lot of great blogs out there. I actually read more than the ones I have listed here, but these are the ones I read most often. Check them out!
If you have a blog and you're not on my list, let me know. I may already read your blog and may just not have you on my list. If you read my blog, and don't have a blog of your own, what are you waiting for?
Into the future,
davidT
Saturday, September 03, 2005
Kanye's Comments About Bush-True or False?
Welcome back. You belong here.
Kanye West has a big mouth, he'll tell you that in his music. I'm still a fan, but this is too much.
On the other hand, it speaks to the sentiment many are feeling, including myself:
1. Was the reponse too late?
2. Was the response slower than say 9/11? LA riots? Northridge quake?
3. Is the Louisiana response typical for water disasters? What was the response like in Indonesia during the tsunamis?
How can this be racial? Tragedy is tragedy. America would not let people die due to race. But things do seem slow.
Kanye also said that the media calls it looting when they see a black family, but they call it 'looking for food' when it's a white family. I don't buy that either. During the LA riots, people were looting, not looking for food. Looting is looting. It happended during the Sandinista war in Nicaragua, I remember people (some of our neighbors) walking in front of our home with stolen TVs and radios.
I saw an interview on TV with black leaders calling for race not to become an issue during this disaster. Others in New Orleans said that America is divided racially more than we think or are willing to admit, and this event shows us just how bad things are. He went on to say that it's good to face the facts so we can keep fixing the problem.
If race is a part of this, let's talk about it. But when we look at the images on TV, it doesn't matter what color people are. Let's look at the need and do something about it.
UPDATE: Today our church took an offering for our association's (CBA) efforts in the affected areas. The offering is going towards Evangelical organizations serving the victims of hurricane Katrina such as "Samaritan's Purse." The need is great, every bit counts.
Into the future,
davidT
Friday, September 02, 2005
Cancelling Stuff
Welcome back. You are welcomed here.
Sometimes when the 5th and 6th event you had planned for Sep-Oct just is not there, you gotta learn to cancel.
I've reached that point. Can't do it all. Cant' ask more from our people, you have to know when to say no. Know what I mean?
Into the future,
davidT
Sometimes when the 5th and 6th event you had planned for Sep-Oct just is not there, you gotta learn to cancel.
I've reached that point. Can't do it all. Cant' ask more from our people, you have to know when to say no. Know what I mean?
Into the future,
davidT
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