A Lamp Fell on My Head

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A lamp fell on my head today, a 6ft. antique type with a hard glass cover. The glass didn't break, but my head is still spinning, dizzy, ice bag, advil. I was in a small room getting ready for a lesson. I was reading my notes and suddenly felt the impact, it almost knocked me unconscious. Someone walked by the lamp and knocked it down and it hit me on the back of my head.

This stinks.

And I had just returned from UCI Neurological center and the cemetery. I feel like I'm headed back there as a patient this time! I was there remembering abuelita, her time at the hospital, just getting in touch with some of the grieving I've been going through. That was hard enough and now this.

* * *

I was actually feeling thankful about my time at the cemetery and spending time at my grandmother's grave. That was my first time seeing the marker with her name on it (I had been to the cemetery before). I cried as I wiped her name with my hand over and over again. I could have been there for hours, I stayed for about 20mns. At times I felt disconnected, "she's not here", "this was just a moment in her life", "she's not here"...Other times, I broke down and could picture the rain, the yellow rain coats, the gray casket, the flowers, the people wearing black, the heavy rain pouring down, my mom crying, the mechanism they use to lower the casket into the ground especially on rainy days, the whole thing was so real. Then it would all go away.

Grieving is such. "Please be patient with me, I'm a grieving person" says the button I wore for 2-3 months after my father died 5 years ago and then again for abuelita. That's so true. The date on her marker reminded me she was gone, March 4, 1926 - Jan 3rd 2005, she was almost 80 years old.

"seventy, or eighty if you're strong..." My gramma was strong.

I remember every detail of that day and of the 10 days she spent at the hospital. While at UCI Medical Center I went to the 4th floor where she was in a comma and died. The smells, the phones on the walls, the waiting area, "I Love Lucy" on the TV, families sleeping in the lobby from exhaustion, the children, the guards giving out VISITOR passes, the parking lot, the road leading to the ER, the bathroom where I cried almost every day, the waiting room where we decided to take abuelita off life support (toughest moment of my life), the conference room where the neurosurgeon told us how (why) things went wrong during the surgeries. It was all there. I was hoping to see a doctor or nurse I recognized but no luck. I actually forgot the surgeon's name. The lady at the information desk was still there. Everything was so real again, even though the lobby looked a bit different from some remodeling. Why did I go? I like to have moments where I face the sadness inside. I went to grieve. I could feel my muscles tensing up the moment I walked in, I actually felt dizzy once or twice while there, I was also hungry so it was a combination of things. I had told my wife and a few friends where I was going, just so they knew.

* * *

I was hoping to come home, lift, spend a good afternoon with my wife and children. Instead, I'm feeling somewhat shaken up by the day's events. Crazy. Needless to say it's messing with my head both physically and emotionally.

Have a great day.

Into the future,

davidT

December Schedule. Good.

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I'm looking forward to December. In some ways it will/has been tough, in other ways it's part of the growth God is taking me through. I've been able to delegate the big things in December (ministry side) in order to spend time with friends and family, reconnecting, remembering gramma and being together.

This has been intentional as January and the Spring of 2006 will be a time of new ministry, growth, new worship services and fresh vision. I wanted to take December to seek God and have the emotional and physical strength for this new ministry season in 2006.

Exciting stuff.

Here's my December schedule:
REST
This week - Time off, seminary catch up, family, date my wife, rest, writing songs
Dec 26-Dec 28 - Family vacation, San Diego

FUN
Sat. Dec. 3rd - Another one of the bands we've equipped will take part of the Belmont Shore Christmas Parade. I will walk next to the float and pass out stuff.
Monday, Dec. 5th - Bounce house with staff friends and families

GOOD
Sun. Dec. 4th - One of the bands we've developed leads worship (another one led last week). I get to sit, worship, watch and give feedback as part of on going training.
Sun. Dec. 11th - Speak in Resonate (young adult service, 6pm)

FAMILY
Friday, Dec. 9th - Aunt Alicia from San Diego (abuelita's sister) spends the night
Sun. Dec. 18th - Service of Rememberance for abuelita, 10-12 people in town, her pastor will do the service at our home, visit cemetery, remember, laugh, cry together
Dec 29-Jan3 - Aunt Rhonda at our home

WORK
Sat. Dec. 24th - Lead two Christmas services, time with family, gifts, toys, toys, toys (for our children that is...)
Sun. Dec. 25th - Lead worship (bummer)

TOUGH
Sat. Dec. 24th - Night abuelita went into hospital
Jan 3rd - Abuelita dies (1 year ago)

Have a great day.

Into the future,

davidT

Winter Header, In Progress...

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The new header is done. A tall (and handsome) Santa helped me make the header look beautiful. Thanks Santa!

Art work: Nicaragua art, Christmas scene. (Photo by Galen R Frysinger www.galenfrysinger.com)

I especially like the dark skin Joseph, the baskets on the lady's heads (very authentic), the 'chosa' like manger (I used to eat "quesillos" (cheese wraps) at a place that looked just like it), and of course the star.

Have a great day.

Into the future,

davidT

Música de Protesta

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Pancasán was a "música de la revolución" (music of the revolution) band that got heavy play on the radio in Nicaragua during the Sandinista Revolution of the 80's. I remember listening to them as a young boy, I still have a few of their CD's. The music is passionate, real, filled with stories of suffering land workers ("campesinos"), telling the story of Augusto C. Sandino, Somoza and the yanki invasions through the years.

I was listening to a few of their tracks while lifting earlier today. The stuff makes me feel alive and even though in some ways its just propaganda, it reminds me of the suffering my people have been through and in many ways of the story I carry with me. I came to this country as a result of the Sandinista Revolution, so this music hits close to home.

Some of my favorites songs are:

1. "Trabajadores Al Poder" - workers take the power
2. "La Hora Cero" - ground zero/zero hour
3. "Son Estas Mismas Manos" - it is these very hands
4. "Toma La Tierra" - take the land

* * *

I was talking to my uncle yesterday (now in his late 40's) who left as a young teenager because of the early signs of war and he told me he sometimes hates our country because it did nothing for him. It forced him to leave his dreams behind, his people, his culture, his family. His dream was to become a pediatrician and one day help children in poverty. I was moved.

In some ways I feel the same way, but also thankful. If not for the war, I would not have had the opportunities I've had here in education, socially, etc. War messes with your emotions, your mind, heart, it changes your future for better or for worse. For me it was for better, but I carry the scars of separation and loss which in some ways only make me stronger.

The image at the top of my blog (Statue of "Miskito Indian" in the middle of the street in front of the central park in Puerto Cabezas, Nicaragua where my father grew up), reminds me of my background, providing for my family, fighting for survival, being strong, a provider, a suffering but courageous man committed to his family, his land and his people.

These things bring me life, context, connection and passion.

Have a great day.

Into the future,

davidT

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