New Blog Post: Everything Must Change, Starting With Me: Location

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This is going to be a series of posts on the topic: Everything Must Change, Starting With Me.

Today's focus: Location.

For the past three years, we've lived in Denver, CO (Arvada, CO to be exact, a suburb in the NW Denver metro area). Two weeks ago we moved back to Long Beach, CA the city where my grandmother raised me since about age 9.

We are here to start a simple faith community called Neighbors Abbey, a community of  neighbors committed to sacred space, inclusive community and city and global transformation.

We want to be involved in our community, schools, parks, education, city council, non-profits, social justice and immigration. We want to teach music and help children and youth reach their musical dreams.

People often ask us "are you going back to X, Y, Z?". Our quick answer is no, we're not going back, we're moving forward.

Forward but in reality it's also back. Back to the area near 7th and Cherry where I grew up, near Broadway and Junipero where my wife and I had our 1st apartment as a young married couple, to 7th and Obispo (near Redondo), where my grandmother and I went to church.

To the Safeway on 7th and Junipero that became a Pic N Save and is now a Big Lots. To 3rd and Junipero and Grace UMC the church I used to run by praying God would one day open a door.

Why? Simply, because God has called us back. Why did we leave Colorado? Didn't like it? It was great, loved the blue skies and open space, but again, we moved back because God called us to the area where I grew up. To Burbank Elementary (where my good friend Hugo and I used to play basketball), to Franklin Middle School and the 91 bus we used to take every day.

A friend recently called this a "Theology of Location", I think there's a lot of truth in that, but for me it's also a Theology of Abuelita. My abuelita (gradmother) raised me since I was a little boy and she brought us to Long Beach, to 8th and Raymond, into the duplex behind Francis and her husband "el antiguo" while her mother (original owners) lived in the house in front, an original California bungalow.

That same friend told me that at a recent conference he was challenged to call people to "stay in their cities for a life time until they see the Kingdom of God become tangible". He said, "that's what you're doing" and it's true. We're back in Long Beach for good, forever, for a life time. And not just anywhere in Long Beach, but in the area where I grew up, an area of high density, high diversity and great need. But also a place of hope and life.

People have all kinds of bad nick names for this area, the one I recently heard was the Gay Getto, I'm sure there are worst. For us, it's home, it's a combination of old Long Beach (people now in their 70's, 80's and 90's who still live in their homes and have survived the change), Latinos, Samoans, Philippinos, African Americans, and gay people. It's Belmont Heights, Rose Park, Carroll Park, District 1 and 2, it's where I grew up.

Earlier today, I was listening to Jay Bakker talk about Dr. MLK jr. and his decision to teach at Montgomery College instead of other White-only, non-segregated schools. Dr. King chose Montgomery because it was the getto of his time, a place where racial tension was high and others were afraid to go. It would have been easier for Mr. King to teach at a better, safer college to raise a family and live a good life. But he chose tension instead of ease.

In a way, although our circumstances today are nothing like Dr. King's (although immigrant and homosexual tensions seem like the racism of our day), we are doing the same. We are choosing tension instead of ease. We are choosing the place of "greatest devotion, versus the place of greatest opportunity".

We have friends back in CO who hear of our move back to CA and squint. They hear the stories of CA being near bankrupt, the ruin of its education system and it's horrible debt and budget shortfalls. We also hear that from people who are leaving CA to AZ, Texas and Colorado, and they badmouth the state for it's poor leadership, horrible debt and lack of control with its spending. We know, it's tough.

But with all that, we feel called back to CA and to East Long Beach, to 7th and Cherry, to 3rd and Junipero and Bixby Park. The area where campus ministries send their young missionaries to do "urban work". For us, it's more than urban work, it's home, it's where we are willing to be for the rest of our lives.

A few months ago on Easter Sunday, I was at my friend's church  in this area. While at his church, I went up to take communion. I had just come from my other friend's church, a church of 500+ filled with life, hope and many opportunities.

As I took communion, together with maybe 50 other people, I thought, "what a difference, one place is hopping with people, this one, not so much". But as I took the bread and the cup, the very essence of the body and blood of the Lord Jesus Christ, I heard a voice say to me "Trig, if I'm willing to give my life for you, will you not do the same for this church?" I remember telling God, "yes Lord, I am."

And so it has begun.

We still don't have a place to live, still don't have jobs, we're still making things work one day at a time. But one thing is clear, we are home. Yes home to family, and home to the ocean and SoCal lifestyle. But more than that, we are back to where God has called us to be, to Long Beach, CA, to a Theology of Location and Abuelita, to the city of my youth and to some degree of my ancestors (via Managua, Nicaragua).

And although the path is not yet clear, we are confident that we have finally found our tribe, our people and we know soon enough we will find the rhythms of God, with all it's ups and downs. We look forward to that.

 Thoughts?

I'm Retiring

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The other day a friend of mine said I was retiring. I guess I am, I am retiring from church as I've known it. I didn't say I'm retiring from God, in fact, I will forever love the ways of God and people not connected to God, but I'm retiring from my previous role.

Maybe I'm like a character in a play. He is no longer Character #1, he's now Character #2, but really it goes beyond that. I'm not another character in the same play, or am I? Is the play the work of God or is it life? Is the play a job, a company or church, or is that just a portion of the play?

Either way, change is here. I am changing. Does a doctor change? Does she become a different kind of doctor? Paging Dr. Ross. Or are doctors always the same? Police officers? Nurses? Teachers?

We're all changing. A mother changes, a coach changes, children are certainly changing. Politicians? Yeah, they change too often! Change is inevitable (Who moved my Cheese?).

It's all a mystery to me, after all, how do you retire? Traditionally when people retire, it means they no longer do what they used to do. So in a way, I am retiring, I no longer want to do what I've been doing.

But never say never right? I have a passion for people, for music, for the things of the spirit, I always have and I always will. My uniqueness is being in relationship with people not in traditional church, that's always been my uptake.

I'm retiring, but I'm not sure what from and what into. I'm moving on, I'm changing hats, there is no doubt change has happened. I no longer imagine myself doing what I've been doing for the past 10 years.

But how much change is there really? I still like rice better than pasta, I still sleep on the right side of the bed not the left and I still don't like jazz. A lot of me remains the same, in fact, some would say I'm becoming stubborn in "my old age".

But whatever you call this, retiring, moving on, changing, evolving, pause and reset, something is happening. A season and chapter in my life (a long chapter) has ended, and a new one in starting.

(Btw, I've never really liked "chapter" analogies, I don't relate well to books and chapters. I like more the idea of evolution or metamorphosis, like a butterfly. Just don't call me one!)

Will I fail at this new chapter of my life? Maybe. Will I want to return to my previous role? I might be tempted to, but I doubt it.

It's Been A Struggle Just to Get This Far and There's Still a Long Way to Go But We're Making Progress

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The previous post was all the good stuff, the wonderful ideas, the great plans. But getting this far has been a struggle and there's still a long way to go.

Where will we live? Jobs? Housing? etc...

But through this process, we've been led by a few truths that have not only challenged and tested us, but have really begun to change the way "we do business". This is what's most exciting to me.

1. Which voice am I listening to?

My own voice often tells me "Danger, Danger! Go Back!" I'm addicted to comfort and security, if it was up to me, I'd never go anywhere, change anything, I would be the type to work at Ford Co. for 50 years back when that was possible, even if I hated it. But I'm beginning to trust the voice of God inside of me (thank you Oprah) and to realize that's the voice I need to listen to the most, even if that voice makes no practical sense whatsoever!

2. I need to grow and change.

I need to grow in grace, in forgiveness, there are people I have yet to forgive for past hurts, I need to figure that out someday. There are things in my character that are off when it comes to forgiveness and resentment. Just today, I bit off a friend's head even though he was just stopping by to say hello.

3. Fear v Love

Much of my adult life, I've lived out of Fear not Love. Why? Many reasons, childhood stuff, life as an immigrant, growing up without my parents, but really it's just who I am. I began the process of being led by Love not Fear a few months ago, being led by the things that I'm passionate about, that really drive me, regardless of money, success or opinion.

In my gut I believe I was created to be a:
a. Musician
b. Pastor

4. Letting Go of My Control and Security

Wow, this is a rough one. I struggle with it every day but I'm finally in the game. It used to be that I would succumb to fear every time, giving up on my dreams to change the world for Jesus due to fear. But now I'm trying to let go of control every day.

House for Sale. Sell right away? Nope, it took 6-7 weeks. Did we get good money for it? Hah! Are we going to CA to sweet paying jobs and security and safety? No, we have none of those things.

I am an idol worshipper. I worship the idol of security and safety. Just like Israel built a golden pig as a god because waiting on Moses' God "took too long", I too have made an idol of a job, a house, a comfortable life and always knowing what I was going to do next.

All those are now gone, gone. I know nothing. And whereas the first few months I fought it like a mad, the more I surrender, the stronger I get. God wants to be my only God, "you shall have no other gods before me", not security, not a job, not safety, but God himself. Tough.

5. Letting Go of our children.
I've had to let God be the God of our children, and even though I'd do anything for them, I'm being challenged every day to trust them to God. I love them, care for them, can't live without them, but I also need to realize that they are God's children first then ours. And that one day they will leave and will have to follow God themselves. Again, tough.

6. One with my wife.
I don't know how it happened, but I've never felt more united with my wife than the last three months. Just today we were sitting on the porch talking as a strong June CO rain hit. We talked for 30-40 mns, being one, it was almost like we were listening to the same song, humming the same melody, the lyrics, the high and low parts together, it was amazing.

7. Fearlessness
I'm trying to stop being such a chicken and instead confront my fears, be free, be led by love. And when I reach my end (like this morning in the garage), to call out to God. And even though I heard nothing, I took a nap, felt stronger and kept going.

That's being fearless.

Fearlessness is also looking for donors for our music company, it's admitting when I'm wrong, it's challenging the system, it's speaking up for my dreams, it's explaining myself better, it's packing, it's calling people to help us move.

It's been a struggle to get this far and there's still a long way to go, but what's exciting is that I'm becoming the Fearless person I'm meant to be.

Our Next Steps

Welcome back. You belong here.

Well, we're moving back to Long Beach, CA next week. We've lived here in Denver, CO for three years and although it's been good, we feel we're supposed to be in CA.

Our theology of location says Long Beach, CA. It's the city where I grew up and much of our ministry lives have been spent. The city continues (as many others) to grow both in need and in opportunities. Most of all, we have many connections there and God is leading us back. We also love our families and are thankful to be close to them again.

We have no jobs, no long term place to stay, we have some options, but nothing solid. Teaching jobs (my wife teaches) are non-existent and for me, I'm not sure where I'll work or when. Home Depot? Outreach director? Engineering? Not a clue...

My passions are two:
1. Start our own church which we will call a Neighbors Abbey, which will be committed to neighborhood development, formation and simple community
2. Music - to play my own music around town, form a band and keep recording. I also love mentoring young artists. We've thought about opening a music production business similar to this one and this one somewhere in downtown Long Beach for children and youth not just inner city but for all youth.

My wife's passion is teaching and to do outreach to the children during after school programs. We are a great team, and we value the same things from different angles but ending in the same place. Did I mention we are a great team and madly in love with each other? Our children will attend a dual language school in Long Beach. Canela (12) wants to study writing at UCLA and be an author.

My ideal job would be to do outreach at a small local faith community, serve neighborhood schools, the poor, the immigrant, while developing relationships with people not connected to God and eventually developing a simple faith community around them called Neighbors Abbey.

There are many faith communities with this vision in mind, including the original Neighbors Abbey in Atlanta with my friend Troy. See more of Troy's work here.

My wife would love to teach 1st-5th grade in a neighborhood school near where we live, where she can teach inner city children and help them through after school programs both academically and spiritually.

We want to live in the neighborhood where we will serve.

All of these things, we've been doing and preparing for intentionally for the past 3 years and in many ways for the past 10.

Want to join us?

New Blog Post: My Addiction to Comfort and Security and How I'm Beating It

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Addictions to alcohol, drugs, sex, etc are common, but being addicted to comfort and security is not something talked about much.

Hello, my name is David Trig and I am addicted to comfort and security, but I'm trying to beat it.

How can you be addicted to comfort and security? Am I rich, spoiled, did I win the lottery or inherit a bunch of money? Do I live in Beverly Hills or am I used to Cadillacs and Bentleys? Hardly. I come from very humble if not poor beginnings.

The thing about the addiction to comfort and security are two things:
1. It has nothing to do with how much money you actually have
2. It's widely accepted in our society as "taking care of your family" or "moving up in the world"

There are people not addicted to comfort and safety that will read this post and think "how can you be addicted to money if you don't have any?"

First, I'm not addicted to money, I'm addicted to safety and comfort. That's the illusion that if you have enough around you, whether it's a job, money, space, Cheerios boxes, orange juice, you will be okay, if you don't, you wont' be.

Second, it's an illusion that you work very hard to maintain. I know better than to think I can control my life, the things I have, or how long I will live. But for the addict, you think you can control these things by working hard, stressing, being anxious or worst yet, not taking any risks.

Third, you don't take any risks. You can call it being faithless, chicken, fearful, but at the heart of it is a fear of financial, personal or emotional bankruptcy.

Addicts of Safety and Comfort often live frustrated lives. They are people who trade in their dreams and aspirations for the sake of safety and control. It's the opposite of being fearless, it's giving into your worse fears for the sake of being safe.

What has helped me deal with this addiction and begin to beat it?

1. Focus on Love not Fear. "Perfect love casts out all fear", instead of thinking catastrophically about all the bad things that can happen, the what if's, try to focus on what you Love, your passions, even if they will make you no money or bring you security
2. Tell yourself a mantra, a saying or truth that helps during those times of Fear and Anxiety. Mine is "I am not my fears, I am bigger than that." For others it could be "Cease striving and know that I am God"
3. Seek encouraging people and avoid negative ones
4. Don't read economic updates, they're often depressing
5. Read the Scriptures, I read the Psalms daily
6. Start a Gratitude Journal

Beating comfort and security is not easy, similar to a person beating any addiction it takes guidance, coaching and patience. You also need to want to change. For a long time I had no desire to change and instead I lived a life of fear and visionary compromise.

I don't want to be addicted to comfort and security, instead I want to live for my passions - music and helping people find God. I've actually taken the first few steps towards that in leaving the security of the contemporary church towards a bivocational, simpler style of church we call Neighbors Abbey.

Can You Speak Louder Please, I Can't Hear You!

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I'm here in my garage blogging, sitting on a stool, listening to "Politik" by Coldplay (I'm on a Coldplay kick FYI, great band!) This feels more like a random post than a specific one so hang on.

I've been blogging through the transition from traditional church to a simpler model of faith and mission we call Neighbors Abbey.

The other day, our children asked me "Papi, why don't you just get another job at a church playing music?" It was great to explain to them that our focus has changed, that although God uses all kinds of churches, we believe it's time for us to focus on something simpler, smaller, more manageable inside and out, where we can serve our neighbors together, love one another deeply and have a deep sense of spiritual formation.

How are we doing? We're being challenged left and right in our areas of weakness and stress, but we hear the voice of our Good God gently guiding us.

"Can you speak louder please! And while you're at it, can you actually do something!"

Ooops, that was my inner voice speaking...

The reality is we live in the tension of the two, at times we feel lost, not in our vision or decision to leave traditional church and move towards a simpler lifestyle, but in the lack of tangible results - financially, jobs, someone buying our house, etc.

It's been a battle.

But we hear the voice of God guiding us, in fact, we've never felt more sure that we are to move back to SoCal inspite of the economic challenges. We feel confident that our time here in Colorado has come to an end, and although we remain surrendered to God, we hear his voice guiding us back.

Into what? A sweet paying job? A raise, a bigger house? Not even close. For those, it would be better to stay here in CO where are there are more financial opportunities. But as my spiritual director recently told me "We follow God into the place of greatest surrender (Spanish - entrega), not the greatest possibilities". Bummer. But God keeps saying to me "Don't look for riches on earth, look to me, invest in my Kingdom and I will supply your every need."

That's tough to hear, but it's what we're doing, trusting God for our future, moving in obedience, coming together as a family, as a couple just about every hour, to pray, confess our weaknesses to each other, our earthly and fleshly desires to be safe, seek comfort, seek the past and to not chicken shit out.

But we persevere, because God is in this thing.

On the other side, I have visions of God moving in huge ways through us, I can see it. But beyond the work, the production, the doing, I have visions (ok, nightmares), of what kind of person God is making me out to be.

God wants me to be like Jesus.

God wants me to be less controlling, more simple, less angry, more gentle in spirit, less dependent on a salary, income, safety and security. On the plus side, he wants me to be more courageous, more fearless. That's the David I want to be, not the one who chickens out of challenges, or gives into anxiety and fear, but the one God has named "FEARLESS", that's my new name btw, Fearless Trig. I like it.

I love music, I love people, I am a feeler and an achiever, I have a passion for Jesus and love people far from the Kingdom and want to help them find faith once again or for the very first time.

My wife and I are committed to this, her and I are one in our mission, even though we're currently being challenged left and right - sickness, house not selling, financially, patience, waiting, fear, you name it. But every morning we get up and the first thing we do is spend an hour each day praying, encouraging each other, comforting one another, seeking God together, crying out to Him as one.

And our children are watching, the good and the bad, but we'd want it no other way. For the first time in my 42 years and in our 16 years of marriage and 12 years of having our children, I am actually leading them to Jesus myself, not letting Kidz Church do it for me. It's not that I haven't been praying for them, tucking them in at night and reading them books, I've done that since they were born, but this is deeper, different, it's more direct. I love it even though it's hard.

Our children get to see me struggle but they also get to see me seek God, find my strength in God, they see us serving our neighbors, in fact they themselves are doing it, talking to their friends about faith in God, about Jesus, about our Neighbors Abbey.

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The other day, Isabela our 9 year old was on our front yard with her little friend from across the street, they were playing with water balloons. I don't know how it all started, but they were suddenly talking about church and being a follower of God.

Isabela said to her friend, "going to church doesn't make you a Christian, like my tape says, does being in a garage make you into a car?" Her friend said "no". "It's about having God in your life, it's not about going to church."

WOW!

We all pitched in, and explained a bit of what it means to be loved by God, but the work had been done. Isabela did a perfect job, in a way her friend could understand, of what it means to be follow God.

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The other day a neighbor wrote me this email, our relationship has been our neighborhood, not church, not women's ministry, but instead it's been the Kingdom of God in daily things.

hey David,
Do you know if the Garage Sales are going on today and this weekend?  I haven't seen any signs.
I am sorry to see your house up for sale but hope you are able to move forward in the direction you would like.  You have done a great job of pulling the neighborhood together.

It's Isabela's story and emails like this that keep us going on this missionary journey. When we feel worried or tired of waiting for the house to sell, for jobs, etc. God leads us with his gentle voice, through the scriptures, in worship songs, sensations, dreams, intuitions, words from our children, our friends, calls, emails, a $20 gift card in the mail, etc.

John 10 has led us through this time of waiting, it says that God leads his own:

When he has brought out all his own, he goes on ahead of them, and his sheep follow him because they know his voice. ⁵ But they will never follow a stranger; in fact, they will run away from him because they do not recognize a stranger’s voice.” 

If you are wondering whether you're doing the right thing in your passion to serve the King, be it through a hot dog stand, your job as a teacher or doctor, as a mother or father, may our story encourage you to not give up and to listen for the Good Voice.

His voice is all we need.

Don't listen to the liar, the thief, your enemies, listen to God's voice, to that strong but gentle sound leading us towards His will, to his purposes for our lives.

If we fail to listen, we will suffer and endure the consequences, but in his grace, he will bring us back to that place once again and give us another chance.

Let's listen this time!

How Do You Speak of the Past?

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I've been blogging through the process of leaving the traditional church to start an organic, simple, neighborhood faith community called Neighbors Abbey. See more here and here.

I have a friend, who I've actually never spoken to who is here in Denver, that went through her own process of going from big to small, upward to downward. Her process (it's been 7+ years, mine 3 months) has been inspiring. Read more on her here and while  you're at it (all 5 of you who read this blog), buy her book, it should be awesome.

I've been unsure of how to write what may seem negative stuff about what I've been through in traditional, contemporary churches for almost 20 years. Why?

First, because I'm a nice person. Not that my friend isn't, but I'm sometimes too nice on the outside, while I brew on the inside. I don't always have the guts to tell it like it is. My wife is good at that. Btw, I don't believe that to be like Jesus, you have to be silent, in fact, the opposite is often true.

Second, I'm not perfect. The process of being in the contemporary church has been hard, but I've made mistakes too, so I'm not always sure how to navigate that.

Third, what will others think? A friend recently posted with regards to the whole Harold Camping Judgement Day (not), that perhaps our fixation with hell and judgement is a Sunday school left over. I feel like God, or my family or friends will disown me if I say what I think.

Lastly, it might be too soon. As I said earlier, it's only been 3 months, we have yet to go public with our new adventure, this Neighbors Abbey, maybe I feel like I need to be successful before I talk about my past. Silly.

So, no, I'm not going to write about this quite yet, I'm not ready, not in this public way at least. I have written of it in private, in my notepad, in the private cloud. I have even sent it to a few closed friends. I have no idea how they felt about it, but even that, was not the full story, this process will take a lifetime.

Some people ask my friend, "why don't you move on? why keep talking about the bad things and being so angry?" Her answer is right on (read it here). She says that the best answer to that question is the "practice of the better".  I think she's right on.

Even though we have yet to go public with Neighbors Abbey (right now it's just my family and I), we have started the practice of the better. And right now, that's the best place for me to be.

In time, I will write about the ups and down of the contemporary church and the path that led my family and I here. I know that like with my friend, when I do, it will help a lot of people.

Thoughts?

Church Planting as Faith

Welcome back. You belong here.

I've been blogging through our journey from traditional church into an organic, city transformation type of faith community.

A question I often get asked is "what are you doing?" The quick answer is: Looking for work, the real answer is: Challenged to Grow in Faith.

The reality is that the past 2-3 months, our faith has been challenged.

Waiting is rough. Not having jobs, getting no's, trying to hear God, finances, insurance, working through the stress, it's all been exhausting. Both Rachelle and I are realizing that the work of church planting starts and ends with God. The minute we put our eyes on ourselves, things fall apart, but when we focus on God we find peace.

We've also been touched by the simple graces all around us - our friends, our children, people praying for us, our family, and nests. Nests? Yeap, nests...

The other day we went outside and noticed a nest in one of our flower pots (see picture). There are two eggs in the nest, the mom lays on the eggs while the dad brings food and protects the nest. It's been very windy here lately, so we've been concerned for the well being of the nest, but we realize we can't do much about the wind.

Both Rachelle and I have been very touched by the nest and the eggs. First, it's wonderful to see little birds come to life a few feet away from our front door, we see it as a beautiful gift among many trials. But most of all, it's a reminder of what God is doing in us.

The wind is strong, we sometimes feel fragile in the nest, we know it's time to grow but at times we feel worried. Will we make it? Will we survive?

God keeps telling us "Yes, you will survive, just as I'm with those little birds, even when it's windy and it looks rough, I am with you." That gives us a lot of strength.

I hope you too can take heart in this process. If you're in a place of waiting and you don't quite see how it's all going to work out, realize that God is with you and that your faith is being challenged for good, it's part of the necessary growth.

We accept the fact that these challenges of faith are preparation for this new life of service and mission. May God give us all the peace and strength to weather the storms in our lives.

Thoughts?

Where do Songs Come From?

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I'm no Paul McCartney but I'm a songwriter.

I've been writing songs since I was about 17. I remember writing my first song during a boring class in high school (probably Algebra) which I promptly named "I Don't Know What to Write About." Since then I've written over 100 songs, some of them here and here.

The other day, Isabela our 9 year old asked me "Papi, how do you write songs?" Her question got me thinking not only about the process of songwriting, on a guitar, on a piano, lyrics first, melody first, etc but on the source of songwriting.

So where do songs come from?

I often wonder if bands like Switchfoot or Coldplay (bands I admire for their songwriting) worry they will one day run out of songs and will be dropped by their labels. I wonder if one day Chris Martin will get up and nothing pops into his head. No songs about love, life, loss, wonder, love, love and love.

I wonder if I will one day run out of songs.

But then I realize that's the answer right there. As long as there is love on this earth, and more importantly as long as there are feelers in this world who feel, there will be songs.

This morning I woke up feeling, thinking, processing, crying. No, I didn't write a song, but every time I get these feelings I realize a song is being born.

It's a real gift. Not that I'm a gifted or talented song writer (I'm pretty good), but the gift is to feel, to be alive, to be able to process information and life in an artistic way, whether through painting, writing, music, design, speaking, etc.

I remember one time sitting at a coffee shop with a friend talking about our "talents" (pretty short conversation I tell you!). I told my friend how basically jealous I was of him, a USC grad, his dad a successful banker, he was a young church planter starting churches in downtown Long Beach. I was doing nothing as cool. All I was doing was playing music.

I remember telling him "Music is not a gift, what you're doing is a real gift. I wish I was doing what you're doing" He turned to me in a very serious way and told me "Trig, I wish I could play music. What you have is an amazing gift that God's given you that you should feel lucky to have." I still didn't believe him but now, years later I can say that my friend was right.

Music is a gift.

Life is a gift, music is a gift and for those of us who view life in melodies and colors, life is music and that is a pretty good deal. I hope to write many more songs in the years to come. I think I will.

Thoughts?

First Breakthrough from Head to Experience

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Over the last few weeks, I've been blogging through the transition from a full time church job (safety, security) into a life of mission and trust.

Last week I met with my spiritual director and she told me that Giving Up Anxiety for Lent has to go from my Head to Experience. Well it's happening.

Since then I've had 4 Anxiety Killer Experiences that have brought me a sense of stillness. None of these deal with money, a job, insurance or stability, in fact, we continue to have no clue where our income will come from for next month.

But in spite of all that, we feel peace in our lives, like the plane is no longer in a holding pattern, nor is it in the middle of turbulence, but has landed and is resting in the runway awaiting instructions.

1st Anxiety Killer: Basketball and War
My spiritual director had me think of times when I realized I was in God's lap, like a grandchild or a son jumping in his mother's lap and feeling secure.

I thought of two, when I play basketball with our 7 year old son and see that smile on his face he feels safe with me. Second, when I was 10 years old in Nicaragua, during the worst of the war, we had to sleep on the floor due to bullets and heavy fighting at night yet I felt safe. This is the way God cares for me.

2nd Anxiety Killer: Strep Throat
Yesterday I got strep throat, my throat is still killing me as I type this although it's getting better. Being in bed for two straight days, unable to do much (dishes, laundry, make dinner, sleep) helped me realize I can't make anything happen. I can't make a move to CA happen or a sweet job in CO a reality even though I try. Like with strep, there are times that you have to wait things out even if you're in pain.

3rd Anxiety Killer: My Doctor's Office
So while at my doctor's office for strep throat (I hate that long Q-tip they stick in your mouth till you gag) I heard God speak through my doctor. He asked me how our children were doing with our transition. He told me how his parents were missionaries and that even though it was tough to live paycheck to paycheck, he feels the rewards were greater. He learned the value of trusting God, of helping people, of seeing God provide every month. I felt God was telling me that he would do the same for us.

4th Anxiety Killer: King Sooper's, Drums and Costco
Over the last four weeks we've had random emails from people we hardly know saying "we want to help". Some have sent us King Sooper's gift cards, others have said "can you give me voice lessons?" We also sold an old drum set and returned some stuff at Costco which helped us get through last month. All these small gestures and provisions have helped us realize that God is with us.

So we continue on this missional downward move towards faith and Kingdom living. We still don't have many answers, in fact, we have just as many questions as before.

But my commitment to Giving Up Anxiety for Lent is alive and well. These four Anxiety Killers have moved this commitment from my head to my heart. Will I struggle again? Yes, will I be tempted to fear and worry again? Of course. But these experiences remind me that God is with us and that he will provide the peace and serenity we need when we need it most.

What are your hangups to trust? What are you Anxiety Killers?

Thoughts?

I Feel Challenged

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This will be short. I feel challenged. Challenged to shake this dust off of worry and fear and focus on God. Yes, times are tough, insurance will run out, our savings will dwindle, but where is my faith? Climbing the mountain is not easy.

I don't know what this all means, I'm not saying I'm healed of fear and worry (I want to be), but over the last few days, I've been challenged to stop focusing on myself and instead focus on God.

These last four weeks have brought out all my weaknesses. I'm fearful, anxious, I worry too much, I lack faith. God loves me so much He's making me face my weaknesses while lovingly helping me, giving me an amazing wife that supports me and speaks into my life as well as great friends. Wow, I've really struggled, but I want to change.

What did I expect leaving the comfort and security of a full time job to follow Jesus, roses? It has been tough, it might get worst before it gets better, but God is in this thing. He has called us to start a church, to serve our neighbors and the world, to love the poor, to be in relationship with people who need Jesus.

And he's already showing his faithfulness. Just over the last few days we've had gift cards, prayers, visions and dreams, emails, words of encouragement, small contributions that have given me perspective.

God says "If you being evil, give good gifts to your children, how much more will I?
God says "For your Father in heaven knows what you need even before you ask"

Truth be told, I've never had to trust God financially and I'm kicking and screaming trying not to this time. But God is saying "Ok, you don't want to trust me? I'll let you fall flat on your face first" and then he says "now watch what I can do with a heart that is surrendered to me". Watch.

I believe God will take care of our finances, insurance, our children. I believe God will help us build this little community called a Neighbors Abbey. I believe God will provide a community job where I can impact our neighbors.

I believe God will lead us to where he wants us to be. I believe this is preparation (like Paul and Ananias) for our future. I'm convinced that our "poverty" and these 7 lean years are so I can relate to people in need.

When will help come? I have no idea. When will we have what we need? No clue. But we do know a few things:

1. We are called and are to obey God
2. God is faithful
3. It will be hard

The challenge: What will I focus on? My circumstances or Our Great God? Today, I choose God.

Thoughts?

UPDATE: Giving Up Anxiety for Lent "The Real" List

Welcome back. You belong here.

I'm been giving up Anxiety for Lent (through Easter, Sun. April 24th, 2011). It's made quite an impact on people (probably the anxious ones : ) Someone told me they're giving up beer for Lent, someone else their family. Wow.

Misty Lane

The other day I met with my spiritual director, she told me that surrender has to go from Head to Experience. I think I've Given Up Anxiety for Lent  in my head but not in my experience. She mentioned the spiritual discipline of Examen through Imagination and gave me the image on this post to meditate on.

So I made a list of the "real" things that make me anxious and the motives behind my worries. The goal is to fill those worries with love. As my director said, each concern needs to know the love of God.

For more on 4 Ways to Overcome Fear (including "Having a Good Cry") watch this video.

My list is long, but they fall into three categories and two motives. I worry over:

A. Health
B. Skill and
C. Children

These are often motivated by:
1. Abandonment
2. Doubt

I worry about the health of our children, that if we don't have insurance, they will suffer and die. I worry I'm not skilled enough to get a job, I worry that our children won't be able to enjoy little things like snacks in the cupboards for their lunches or cleats for fútbol.

These fears come from deep within me, growing up with few things, with my lovely grandmother who dealt with high blood pressure her whole life, from growing up without my parents since age 12, from going through so much trauma with immigration, going to college and not having a clue what I was doing, navigating teenage things like girls, school, image, clothes, God, faith mostly on my own.

It's like the picture above, I sometimes doubt that the misty path leads to something good, I'm more prone to believe it will remain misty and in fact, will get worst and remain worst.

I sometimes doubt that "God will take care of me", I fight to believe it, sometimes I do, some times I don't. I'm okay with doubt, but I want to learn to meet God in my doubt.

After this, I took a separate sheet of paper and wrote counter thoughts, the positive attitudes and realities of my life. I hate to call them "truths" because truths change for me, it's the Experience of Truth that actually change me.

Are you an Anxiety Junkie? See the list here.

I wrote down how God has brought me friends the last few months. I wrote how our children would do fine in a smaller house, I did. I thought about a lady who wrote me an email (she hardly knows me) and said she felt like helping us (not sure how). I remembered how a gentleman helped to pay for my father's funeral years ago.

I thought of a friend at yoga who asked me "how are you feeling". So kind. I thought of a couple that continues to say to me "whatever you need, we're here for you." It's true that the world comes around those in need.

Am I healed? No. It's not a healing I seek, it's a companionship. My dream would be that I would realize that God walks with me, that he is with me every day, in my doubt, in my worries, not just in theory but in my Experience.

Some people get frustrated with this. They may say "just trust!", or may want to fix it. You can't. I have to walk this walk with a few close friends and God for the rest of my life, it has to be my own process of falling down and getting up again not because I should but because I can. I will get better, I actually have already, but this will be my lot for the rest of my life. I accept that as a gift not just a curse.

That's the Real Giving Up Anxiety for Lent.

So what is your list?

Look back at the picture above, what does it tell you. If nothing, that's fine, but if it awakens something in you, something deep within your soul, listen to it. In these economic times, everyone has a story to tell.

Some people decide not to worry, they are warriors not worriers. Can you write a list of the real things you need to give up for Lent, and can you write a second list of the real Experiences or Truths where you have not felt alone. I think that would help.

Have a great day.

Into the future,

davidTrig

A Great Time at Family Council

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One of our great family traditions is Family Council, Sundays at five. The idea is to sit together as a family, express our feelings, ask questions, listen to each other and then eat ice cream! It's my wife and I, our three children, no technology, just heart to heart conversation.

Today we talked about the last few weeks, my move out of traditional church (we've talked about this  before), this coming week, spring break and more.

Our 7 year old son speaks well. He uses sentences such as "that's a fabulous idea" (in Spanish and English). Our 9 year old takes care of others (yeap, middle child). She knows every mood, ear motion and eye twitch of her hamster Snowie.

Our 12 year old is a great listener and is very perceptive, today she said "I love recording the Neighbors Abbey podcasts". My wife brings reality to the show, she talks about her exercise plan, about not leaving your clothes in the bathroom, about work. I bring in the rear, moderating and modeling listening, giving everyone a turn to speak and expressing my own feelings "I feel fat, haven't worked out in 2 weeks, you can tell me to not eat cheese cake, ok?" We pray together, we talk about God.

Family Councils are a lost art as families spend less time in front of each other and more time in front of the TV or iPod/iPad/Netflix. I encourage you, if your family is still at home or old enough (tough to do this with babies), sit in a circle, choose a topic and talk.

Whatever it takes, take time to talk, choose a facilitator and ask questions. It'll make for a great day. And make sure you always keep the circle open, you never know who outside of your family may need to be a part of Family Council.

Have a great day.

Into the future,

davidTrig

We Left to Give to Others Not to Be Selfish

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So I'm blogging through the process of leaving a full time job doing church to serve my community, help the poor and help people find God.

The last few weeks have been filled with job applications, resumes, and giving up Anxiety for Lent.  It's also been a time to hear my soul. What is my soul saying?

I've been Regular not Radical.

Even though the last few weeks have been tough, the hardest thing is to realize how unwilling I am to give my self away. I am working day and night trying not to fall off the financial wagon, trying to make sure our family has everything we need. Everything.

I want a job
I want insurance
I want to live where I'm happy
I want to have a nice job
I want to hang out with nice people
I want to be in educated and a professional environments
I want to make money, as much or more than before
I want, I want, I want...wow

We don't need all that. We need less.

We could cancel direcTV completely instead of partially. We could move into a smaller house, rent, we could sell half the clothes we have and give the money to the poor.

Every time someone moves what is it they always say: We have too much junk! I'm gonna get rid of half of it and live with less. Then you start buying more clothes, more coats, more stuff and you're back to where you started.

We left to give to others, not to get another job so we can keep living our regular lives. We left to give to others, to help the poor. But I'm selfish.

The other day, a friend who's volunteering at the local Head Start called me and said "Trig, we could really use your Spanish and mentorship skills here, would you pray and consider volunteering" I immediately thought "volunteer? Hah, I need cash!"

I've been asking a lot of people in high places for recommendations. All of them are more than willing to put in a good word for me. But how am I helping them? How am I serving the poor in spirit in them? Am I asking how they are, what they need? No. I'm more interested in getting the next job so I can keep things as they were and not skip a beat. That's not the ways of the Kingdom of God, that's the path of the American Dream and the path of opportunity.

That's not being Radical, that's being Regular.

My spiritual director told me a few weeks ago "faith is the path of greatest sacrifice and devotion, not of greatest opportunity" I want the greatest opportunity. But I don't.

Outside my office in Old Town, there are two homeless guys Steve and Dan. I've talked to Steve, he needs help.

The children at Head Start need mentors.

The parents at Children's Hospital need a translator.

The principal at our school needs prayer, she deals with a lot.

Two of my neighbors need someone to listen.

Three other families in our neighborhood, need someone to bring them together to celebrate Maria coming home after her house burned down and she lost her husband last April.

A girl l I met today needs a place to belong.

My friends who are young marrieds, need a place to belong.

Sophie needs prayer, she's 7 and has a tumor in her brain. Her parents need love.

The children in the soccer league at our school need mentors.

The coach needs someone to set-up the goals before he can get there.

Today I went and had lunch with our children at school. As I sat there with our 9 year old and then with our 7 year old, I couldn't help but feel compassion for the children watching us eat. I started to talking to them, Omar, Oscar, Ian. Most of these children are on free and reduced lunch programs, most of them take white plastic bags of food home every Friday as they board the school bus. Most of them live under the poverty line, many children of undocumented families who struggle every day, living in crowded apartments or trailerparks. I know many of them by name.

But instead of serving, I'm anxious over getting a job that will make me feel safe and secure. That's not why I left. Sometimes it's hard to change old habits.

What are your old habits that need to die? Where are you being Regular instead of Radical?

We left to give to others not to be selfish. Something needs to change.

Have a great day.

Into the future,

davidTrig

I Love My New Church

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Just got back from a kid party and I loved it. What I loved was talking to the parents, people we've known for three years through school, people with very little pretense. True, we perhaps don't know each other very deeply, but it's much better than soccer team acquaintances at the Y. They are real.

They are nurses and teachers, executive directors, PhD's and UPS workers. They are parents our age done trying to impress each other and now learning to keep our dreams alive as we see our children grow.

As our children danced and ate, laughed and talked, the adults also talked, catching up on life. Many of them asked me with concern and care how my job search is going. Very kind people.

But there's pain all around. A friend told me he had a female friend over for drinks while his wife was away. He said "my wife is always gone, so I thought, why not!" I told him of my love for city development and my desire to be a spiritual guide to people. He seemed very uncomfortable but I'm glad to be in his life as a spiritual person, he needs a true friend.

When we got home, Rachelle said "that was our church tonight." At first I said "the only thing missing was a sacred space", but after thinking of the conversations we had, I realize there was sacred space all around. I love our new church.

Have a great day.

Into the future,

davidTrig