Welcome back. You belong here.
This morning I spoke to my mom in Nicaragua, always a breath of fresh air for me. I miss her, especially now.
It hit me while we were talking, that things are hitting me all at once right now. The head injury of a few months back, combined with the loss of my grandmother who was my life, and work/church situations, have brought back memories of my childhood, my immigrant life, the war I endured and later sent me to this country, the seperation from my parents during my formative teenage years.
My grandmother held it together for me. Her presence in my life, allowed me to feel things were ok. And of course, Jesus' presence, His nearness has been everything to me. Now that she's gone, I'm having to stand alone again. Not alone as in without Jesus or people that love me or without purpose, but as in without the props that held me. King David lost all his support one by one - Jonathan, his family, his children. He was left to his only faithful friend, his "Lord, my Shepherd, I shall not want...He leads me..."
Wow. God leads me now, Jesus leads me now. Not abuelita, not security or strength. And as all these things pile up on me, I know I'm in the hands of strength. I don't want safety from the storm, I want purpose and joy in the storm. And I don't want it afterwards, but amidst the darkness.
My CT-scan said my head is fine, but my emotions and dizzyness, my anxiety and tears tell me things are still working their way out. I'm not through the storm yet, I'm half-way out, but God will see me through.
Last time this happened to me, when my father died six years ago, I was on medication (anti-depressants) for 9 months to get through. This time, I'm hanging on to Jesus and His Word, I'm not against med's but I'm trying to do without them. I feel my mind and spirit growing in FAITH, in TRUSTING GOD, in NOT WORRYING ABOUT TOMORROW.
In fact, I'm grateful for this time in my life and the length of this storm. It will pass, but I don't want it to pass to quickly and soon forget this dependency on Christ's blood and body. I am so fleshly that the minute I feel 100%, I will start running again and forget what it's like to trust this way.
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Is my work too hard for me? I dont' think so, I feel more and more called to serving. I don't feel called to busyness and size, but I feel called to love, impact and focus. This weekend we had 35 artists come together in community, crying out to God for help, seeking more of Him for the passions of our heart, surrendering our rights for His glory. God was present in awkard, unexpected ways, but I know all about that, I could recognize His brand, His smell, His work in this time of our lives and I rejoice. A friend sprained her wrist, I drove down with a 'special' person with ADHD, we had to wait for 3 hrs to leave town as AAA got keys for one of our people, we felt rushed like we needed more time to commune. I spent the weekend not upfront, teaching or singing, but serving, serving, serving, loving, praying, ONE, ONE, ONE as Mother Theresa said, ONE: Mark, Pat, Jackie, Robert, Amber, Tammie, Lou, Andrea, ONE, ONE, ONE.
But the magic and the presence of God was everywhere, odd people coming together, helping, rooming, talking. I didnt' get a chance to catch up with any of my 'cool' friends. Instead I cried, my head hurt all weekend, but I stood strong, I doubted my leadership at times, I felt insecure. Sometimes it's tough for me being a relational-leader, not feeling the need to be upfront all the time making sure everyone knows who's in charge. I lead through vision and values that are shown in the people I lead, not by running around being involved in everthing (I should write more on relational leadership).
But I also felt connected to the Spirit. Saturday morning, the Spirit said, pray. I knelt by my bead and prayed for the camp, the people, the weekend. Thursday during lunch, the Spirit said, don't get more busy, pray. I prayed, my heart was burdened with people, their needs, their dreams, their aspirations, their brokenness, they are like sheep without a shepherd, including myself. Jesus is our Great Shepherd, and He has called me to care for his people. It's a privilege.
So as things hit me all at once this year, it's only March and it feel like October, it is well with my soul. My body has yet to catch up, I need it to for the long run and it will. God is refining me, challenging me to grow, pruning me, disciplining me in the way a Father disciplines His children. Maybe I've been too greedy, too selfish, too unkind, judging others. I have.
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I've been reading Revelations 3 about Jesus' words to the 7 churches, praying and asking God, which church am I Jesus? Which church are we as a Body? What are you telling us? I and our community most relate to Sardis and Laodicea. Check them out yourself.
My prayer is what Jesus says to these churches at the end of each letter, "let Him who has ears, hear what the Spirit is saying..."
Lord, give me ears to hear and obey You. And to lead your people to a place I've been to before, a place of brokenness and grace, a place of pruning and purpose, a place of death and life in Christ, a place of doubt and trust not clarity. And lead our church to hear your voice, hear your Spirit. May I not be one who shuts his ears to you, but one who is willing to be changed, so what you can work through me and your people.
I am your leader Lord, I am your servant, I will lead your people well. I trust in You.
COMING UP: Run for 30mns, arms/legs/abs. Post-retreat rest and catch up with my wife and children. Make dinner tonight, not sure what yet, something light and healthy for sure. Maybe mow the lawn if I can, it's time!
UPDATE: Just got another call from my mom and her friend Rosalinda. Her friend told me that she's also in pretty bad shape, without a job now for a year, raising a family by herself. She told me she wishes she had my problems, that her problems are worse than mine, to take courage in our Lord. She told me I am her leader, because she considered my father her leader (my dad was pastor of her church for 5 years), and now that he's gone, she sees me as her leader, as a man of faith and commitment to the Lord, a "verdadero servidor del Señor". Wow, unbelievable.
The weird thing is that she is actually the one who told my mom to call me today, God is working in Rosalinda's life through trials and yet God used her pain and hope to encourage me.
I sometimes feel the weight of my father's heritage, but most times I count it a privilege and feel honored and ready to follow in his footsteps. Unbelievable.
Btw, this week, Mike Silva (PK speaker, world wide evangelist) is in Esteli, Nicaragua doing a gospel crusade. He will be there for 10 days reaching out to hundreds of people with the Gospel. He is a friend of the family, and has asked me to serve together with him in the future perhaps in worship ministry. What a privilege that would be. I need to get healthy first, and God is pruning me, but I tell you, I will join him one day. God will open that door, yes He will. He's preparing me and soon I will be ready.
Yes Lord, send me, humble me, strengthen my feeble knees, guide me through these momentary trials for your Kingdom's sake so that the world would know that You are God!
MY PRIORITIES: Equip worship art leaders locally and globally, create and lead worship environments, serve the poor through global missions.
Amen.
Have a great day.
Into the future,
davidT
