Welcome back. You belong here.
This is a letter I recently sent to young worship leaders/creative types:
"Ever been criticized on your art/music area of passion? On your creative outlet, your work? Yeah, me too. It hurts. How do you guys handle it? I wanted to give you my thoughts on a recent experience I went through regarding criticism of my music and what I'm doing to work through it."
I want to tell you guys these things because I care about you and want to be an example to you when you face similar stuff. Many times, our parents, pastors, leaders, teachers, bosses, mentors only tell us their stories 'post-mortem' (that means after they're dead), but I mean "after-the fact", like "A long time ago I struggled with what you're struggling with". I want to tell you how I'm processing stuff as I deal with it, this month, this week, raw, honest, not perfect, but just as I am.
I love music, I love Jesus, I love people. Two weeks ago, during a survey we did at The Foot (Foothills) regarding Sundays, I got many, many, many positive comments, so don't think I'm asking for good feelings from anyone. But mixed in there I got some hurtful stuff, not many, but just enough to knock me off my rocker. Comments about my music, my skill set, talent, my musicianship, etc. Stuff that cut deep to how I perceive my strengths and who I am.
It hurt me and it's taken me a week or so to even know what happened! For the first few days I was all over the place, hating those people, to telling myself the worst - "I do suck!" "They are right, what am I doing playing music? I am terrible!" To the other side, just yelling and saying "They suck!" "Stupid people!" "I hate surveys!"
When things like this happen to me, especially about an area I'm passionate about, that I've been strong in for years, that I've been complimented on for years/years/years, that I've worked hard to become better at, I get anxious, I withdraw and check out. Others of you may use it as fuel to your fire. Many sports figures will say "I use those negative comments to make me better" "I'll show them kind of thing" I wish I was more that way. Instead, I pout, I get hurt and question myself and want to quit music all together.
But I'm not going to.
Instead I will use this to make me stronger and to make me better and to work on my music, but not defiantly, or to prove others wrong, mad, angry at people, or as a reaction or as a way to make me feel better and self-heal. Instead, I see this as an opportunity to improve and get better in something I love which is music.
Music is my #1 passion. Above all other things, I am addicted to music and believe it to be the reason I'm on this earth. Not to say that mentorship, mission and my other passions aren't important, but music is my first love, always has been, always will be. Even at 40, and I'm no longer in the "new artist" category by a looong shot, I still believe my best music years are ahead of me.
So this morning, instead of pouting, I put on my headphones and listened to 2-3 songs I've written in the last month and analyzed them - my skills, my voice, melodies, pitch, my thought process behind the songs. It's just me on a guitar, singing into a mic, you guys probably have 100's of such recordings, so do I!
And you know what I noticed? Two things:
1. I have some weak spots. I noticed stuff that I've always known about myself. Sometimes I go flat or sharp, sometimes my melodies or lyrics make no sense, sometimes I play the wrong chord or play off the scale. I've taken voice lessons, piano lessons, 2 years of theory, 2 years of choir, years of guitar lessons, to improve. I've spent time with great music directors who've taught me how to lead, I've spent time with amazing musicians who have taught me how to stand on a stage, how to speak in front of others. And you know what? It's time to do it again. It's been 3-4 years since I was last in a "place of learning" and the older you get, the harder it is to be in school, take lessons, etc.
But I will do it. So in the next month, I'm going to go "back to school" per say, and improve my skills, sharpen the saw, refine my musical skills and keep learning.
2. I like a lot of stuff about my music. As I listened to my songs, voice, melodies, chord progressions, intervals, ideas, etc. I often smiled. It met my standard of "good music", of something "I am proud of" and that's priceless. To be able to hear something you created and have it make you smile, it's a dream come true. And listening to my songs, I was there, taken by them into another place, imagining, crying, feeling, thinking, making life decisions (like this post). I was not filled with ego, or crazy pride or anything like that. It was just God filling my soul with hope, with his voice saying "David/Trig, I like what you're doing, I gave you those skills, songs and I want you to use them and not shy away. Keep going."
Has it been tough to hear negative comments? Yes. Is feedback hard? Yes. Do I like it? No. In fact, the survey itself was my idea and even though only 25 people or so filled it out, it was still useful, not just in positive stuff, but even in the negative hurtful stuff. I remember being afraid of the survey, no one asked me to do it, Steve didn't put a gun to my head saying, "ask people if they like your music or not". I did it on my own because I wanted to overcome the fear, the stigma. Even though I KNEW I was opening myself up to hurt, I felt God's Spirit leading me to be open and vulnerable and to grow, to trust Him in this area that's so dear to my heart.
You see, to me music is more than a talent or something I do in church. Music has been my savior. When I was 10 years old I had to leave my country, my home of Nicaragua and my mother and father, my sisters, my culture, who I was. I was raised by my grandmother in a 1 bedroom apartment, in inner city Long Beach, CA where I was the only non-English speaking, non-White kid on the block. I had no parents who drove their kids to school, with nice backpacks and cool shoes. My grandmother didn't shop at Safeway or Albertson's, instead we shopped at the corner Latino markets where the bread was a day or a week old and things were cheaper. We were Latinos, not White, and in those days, even in So Cal, it wasn't a cool thing.
I was often terrified, afraid, would cry myself to sleep at night missing my parents, feeling out of place and music and Jesus were my only comforts. I would pray and sing, pray and sing, go to church, play my guitar, sing, sing and pray some more. I would write, write and write, I probably (like many of you), have thousands, literally, thousands of notebooks filled with thoughts, songs, fragments, poems, scribbles, ideas, circles, etc. All ways for me to make sense of life. And my guitar was always my best friend.
So for some stupid person in a survey to "take away my music" is huge. And that's not how I feel anymore, they're not stupid and they're not trying to take away my life or my music. That's just my childhood speaking and my pain, and that's okay, Jesus knows me, he created me "taken and broken" as I am. I've been taken and abused by church leaders so many times, not everyone you play for or sing for cares about you, they just want your talent.
But many do care and most of all your family and our God care.
So this survey and criticism has led me to places I need to go. To process stuff with God, to even talk to counselors about this issue (not school counselors but therapists), to talk to my close friends about, my wife, even our children. To model for others honesty and being willing to fall apart in front of others, but to also reach out for the hand of God and to believe in what He wants to do in my life. And I'm not there, I'm still in process, ask me tomorrow and I may be quitting music again! But I'm fighting, and trying not to.
I may never be famous in music, it's not my personal goal (it could be yours and that's fine). My goal now as a 40 year old man, married 14 years to my love Rachelle, father to a 10 year old amazing daughter, an 8 year old beautiful girl and a 6 year old dream of a boy, my goal is to keep living, keep trusting God, keep believing, keep being myself, continue to dream and pursue life, passion, beauty, joy, dreams and reach for the stars (Psalm 8 - "when I look at the stars, what is man that you were mindful of him?)
I hope my story so far can help you, maybe this is something you just read and store away in your mind, maybe it's just nice to know. And I don't want this to become gossip or information to use against each other. But whatever it is, I want to be an example to each of you and I write to you guys because I care and you are each in my life for a reason.
I see the amazing talents in each of your lives, your dreams, your passions. But I also imagine and know a bit of your pain, your ups and downs and so I want to walk alongside of you and most of all lead you back to Jesus, our friend and ultimate guide."
Have a great day.
Into the future,
davidT
