Welcome back. You belong here.
The previous post was all the good stuff, the wonderful ideas, the great plans. But getting this far has been a struggle and there's still a long way to go.
Where will we live? Jobs? Housing? etc...
But through this process, we've been led by a few truths that have not only challenged and tested us, but have really begun to change the way "we do business". This is what's most exciting to me.
1. Which voice am I listening to?
My own voice often tells me "Danger, Danger! Go Back!" I'm addicted to comfort and security, if it was up to me, I'd never go anywhere, change anything, I would be the type to work at Ford Co. for 50 years back when that was possible, even if I hated it. But I'm beginning to trust the voice of God inside of me (thank you Oprah) and to realize that's the voice I need to listen to the most, even if that voice makes no practical sense whatsoever!
2. I need to grow and change.
I need to grow in grace, in forgiveness, there are people I have yet to forgive for past hurts, I need to figure that out someday. There are things in my character that are off when it comes to forgiveness and resentment. Just today, I bit off a friend's head even though he was just stopping by to say hello.
3. Fear v Love
Much of my adult life, I've lived out of Fear not Love. Why? Many reasons, childhood stuff, life as an immigrant, growing up without my parents, but really it's just who I am. I began the process of being led by Love not Fear a few months ago, being led by the things that I'm passionate about, that really drive me, regardless of money, success or opinion.
In my gut I believe I was created to be a:
a. Musician
b. Pastor
4. Letting Go of My Control and Security
Wow, this is a rough one. I struggle with it every day but I'm finally in the game. It used to be that I would succumb to fear every time, giving up on my dreams to change the world for Jesus due to fear. But now I'm trying to let go of control every day.
House for Sale. Sell right away? Nope, it took 6-7 weeks. Did we get good money for it? Hah! Are we going to CA to sweet paying jobs and security and safety? No, we have none of those things.
I am an idol worshipper. I worship the idol of security and safety. Just like Israel built a golden pig as a god because waiting on Moses' God "took too long", I too have made an idol of a job, a house, a comfortable life and always knowing what I was going to do next.
All those are now gone, gone. I know nothing. And whereas the first few months I fought it like a mad, the more I surrender, the stronger I get. God wants to be my only God, "you shall have no other gods before me", not security, not a job, not safety, but God himself. Tough.
5. Letting Go of our children.
I've had to let God be the God of our children, and even though I'd do anything for them, I'm being challenged every day to trust them to God. I love them, care for them, can't live without them, but I also need to realize that they are God's children first then ours. And that one day they will leave and will have to follow God themselves. Again, tough.
6. One with my wife.
I don't know how it happened, but I've never felt more united with my wife than the last three months. Just today we were sitting on the porch talking as a strong June CO rain hit. We talked for 30-40 mns, being one, it was almost like we were listening to the same song, humming the same melody, the lyrics, the high and low parts together, it was amazing.
7. Fearlessness
I'm trying to stop being such a chicken and instead confront my fears, be free, be led by love. And when I reach my end (like this morning in the garage), to call out to God. And even though I heard nothing, I took a nap, felt stronger and kept going.
That's being fearless.
Fearlessness is also looking for donors for our music company, it's admitting when I'm wrong, it's challenging the system, it's speaking up for my dreams, it's explaining myself better, it's packing, it's calling people to help us move.
It's been a struggle to get this far and there's still a long way to go, but what's exciting is that I'm becoming the Fearless person I'm meant to be.
