Monday, January 30, 2006

Waiting and Writing

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I called my doctor to get a CAT-scan, I just want to be sure I'm okay. I hope I get in sometime this week. I feel better, but the progress from this concussion is so slooow, it's frustrating. I have great days, other days I feel dizzy.

In the mean time I'm running, writing lyrics, listening to music, taking a few Sundays off, working as much as I can, living life just a bit slower than most days.

The lyrics I've been writing have been very freeing, liberating, giving me freedom to feel the things I'm going through. Music does that, it allows you to be where you're really at, no excuses, no reasons, just be where you are and call out.

I'm calling out to God through these songs. One is called SURPRISE, talking about how this injury surprised me, came out of nowhere to rock my world, stopped me dead on my tracks for a purpose I don't yet know, but I know deals with trust and weakness. The second one is called GREATER. It talks about weakness is greater than strength because in weakness you experience solitude, fear, loneliness and in those moments you reach out for a God who is greater than the loss. I like that thought a lot, it comes from 2 Cor. 9.

The last one is called BEYOND, coming from a desire to go beyond belief and the "letters in my mind" as the songs says, which alludes to the verses I've memorized, the truth I know, and to belief in God, in Jesus' presence and faithfulness. I want belief, not just knowledge. And of course I thought I had belief, being that I'm more of a feeler than a philosopher, yet we all need to learn lessons again and again don't we?

COMING UP:
3pm: Lift, chest/back.
5:30pm: Mute Math at the Troubadour, West Hollywood

Have a great day.

Into the future,

davidT

Tuesday, January 24, 2006

Slow but Progress

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The progres is slooow, but I feel better. Since Sunday, I've made progress, less dizzy, more energy, more focus. Last night I slept pretty well, better than in weeks. My anxiety is also down, which the better I feel, the less anxious I get.

I am praying for a full recovery, trusting God each day, praying for no more setbacks, but trusting God. Wow, I feel like this has been a real trying time for me emotionally and physically, trying to do the right thing and yet trust God. I have pretty much decided to get a CAT-scan no matter what, just to make sure. That just makes sense for the future and for my peace of mind.

The next few days I'm off to Encinitas, CA for a staff retreat. I am praying I'll feel healthy enough to engage and yet rest. Thank you for praying.

Have a great day.

Into the future,

davidT

Saturday, January 21, 2006

Off for a Run

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I'm going to go for a run (30mns), iPod, running shoes, shorts, t-shirt. My treadmill died, I literally ran it into the ground. It began to smoke the other day while running it at full speed. It owed me nothing, I got it for free.

Does anybody have a treadmill you'd like to sell me?

So I'm running on the streets again which is hard on my knees (2 ACL knee surgeries '94 and '95). Running and abs. If I'm healthy enough, I'll try arms and shoulders in the afternoon, we'll see. I took a short nap, so I'm feeling fresh.

It's a beautiful day out there, don't let it get away, concussion or not...

Have a great day.

Into the future,

davidT

Truth

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Truth I'm telling myself:
1. "You give and take away, blessed be the Name of the Lord."
2. "Cease striving and know that I am God, I will be exalted among the nations."
3. "Be anxious for nothing, but in prayer in supplication present your requests to God."
4. "Don't worry about tomorrow, each day has enough worry of it's own."
5. "If he takes care of the birds in the skies...He will surely take care of you."
6. "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, lean not on your own understanding"

Songs I'm singing:
1. "I Love You Lord"
2. "Blessed be the Name of the Lord"
3. "Here I am to Worship"
4. "Great is Thy Faithfulness"

It's amazing how the most simple of verses, the most familiar songs, things I teach and counsel others with, are the things I need most. That, and my wife's support and kindness. My mom (who lives in Nicaragua) called me the other day and that was wonderful.

Today, I feel average, not as bad as yesterday, dizzy still, slept average. I'm trusting God for a better day.

Have a great day.

Into the future,

davidT

Friday, January 20, 2006

Progress Report

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Yesterday I had a great day, I felt almost normal since my concussion 7 weeks ago. But today, I feel dizzy again, nervous, blurry vision. Two nights ago I took Tylenol PM and I slept really well for the first time in a few weeks, but last night I didn't take the full dose and I didn't sleep very well.

I spoke to my doctor Wed. night and he said to wait until Monday to see if I feel better, if not, he'll order a CAT-scan and go from there. He feels I'll be fine, that this takes time, but I don't like feeling this way during the day.

Yesterday I felt so hopeful, like I was going to feel even better today and yet I don't. Everyone tells me, "listen to your body", I feel I will be fine, but I'd like something to get rid of the dizzyness and blurry vision.

Thanks for praying.

Have a great day.

Into the future,

davidT

Monday, January 16, 2006

My Situation Causes Anxiety

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My concussion causes me anxiety which caused a panic attack yesterday. Cold sweat, dizziness, like I was going to pass out, and that was in the middle of leading worship!

I didn't sleep well the last two nights, tossing and turning worrying, anxious. I worry about my concussion, that it's not all better. Yet the doctors have told me this takes time, that I have to rest, that I'm fine, but I still worry.

The worry then causes my body to react in anxiety and panic, my heart rate goes up and I feel jittery and nervous inside. Then it goes away, usually when I see our little children laugh and my mind is on something else.

Last night I kept worrying about my arms feeling numb. I must have slept on them wrong, but I kept worrying it's the concussion affecting me. Concussion leads to anxiety which is caused by the concussion. This is called post-concussion syndrome. I'm dealing with it. Add to that the 1 year anniversary of my abuelita's death and it's been a rough last few months.

I've been here before. A year after my father died my body fell apart. I was on anti-depressants for 6 months, then I started my exercise and eating program (Body-for-Life). I had pain in my jaw, colon, stomach, just about everywhere and had a lot of tests done. My body was reacting to the grief and loss of my father whom I loved with my whole life.

And now I'm in a similar place yet, I feel I'm better. I'm trying to tell myself the right things, praying and trusting God, listening to the doctor's advice, yet I still get anxious. The doctor said to take breaks every 30 mns. to rest, to give this time, to fit it into my life, and things will get better. I guess I'm not resting enough, Sunday certainly wasn't restful. I knew I should have taken it off.

God is faithful, my heart is on Him, my family is near, it seems like all will be well, I just have to rest, give this time and stop worrying. Easier said than done.

Have a great day.

Into the future,

davidT

Friday, January 13, 2006

I Relate to Sharon's Journey

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The journey Sharon has been on is so similar to what my abuelita endured a year ago. The whole thing is so real to me. I feel I am going through this again, I can relate to every detail - the sedation, the waiting to come out of the induced comma, looking for any sign of brain activity, the massive stroke 9 days ago, the agony his sons are feeling playing classical music and begging, wishing him to awaken. I know the feeling, it's agonizing.

My grandmother was in a comma for 10 days, we reduced the sedatives on day 6 or 7 and for the next 3-4 days waited to see any sigs of brain activity, movement, etc. Nothing, she never woke up. Finally, we took her off the respirator and she died 15 mns. later surrounded by myself and all her children. It was the most difficult few minutes of my life, yet the peace of God was in the room.

I remember the doctor in turn (a new doctor, not our regular surgeon) struggling to get out the way as he he took the tubes and equipment off abuelita. He felt horrible and apologetic to be 'in the way' trying to do his job while we cried and grieved. It was a light moment amidst such tragedy.

As you read Sharon's journey, remember he's a real human being with a family that must feel terrible. And then to hear Pat Robertson's comments (and apology) the other day, I can't believe it. From a human point of view it's painful much less from a Christian perspective. I hope he recovers as best as possible from this dark place.

UPDATE: Went to my regular doctor yesterday, no break in the scalp, it's a concussion. The dizzyness and lack of focus 'cobwebs' are all part of it. He said no medicine is needed or exams, he checked my head and he said I should be fine, it just takes time. I need to take breaks throughout the day when I feel tired which I sometimes feel. He said it may take up to 6 months to fully recover, but I will recover and be just fine. Today I feel dizzy, out of it, so did yesterday, two days ago I felt great. It's up and down, but things are getting better, I just need rest and time. He said I can keep lifting and exercising, I just have to do it when I feel strong. Thanks for praying.

Have a great day.

Into the future,

davidT

Wednesday, January 11, 2006

Marks of a Missional Church

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This is a great description of the Marks of a Missional Church. Clear, real, process oriented not a scheme.

Have a great day.

Into the future,

davidT

Tuesday, January 10, 2006

No Sharing of Ideas in His Blog

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Doug Pagitt, pastor of Solomon's Porch in Minneapolis, has some interesting comments regarding blogging as well as his own bloggin experience:

"I think that blogs are adding to a culture of misunderstanding. Too many times, it seems to me, that the way people read blogs and respond to them is like listening to one end of a phone conversation and then having the person set down the phone and begin to comment on what the person on the other end is saying with the other phone partner no longer being part of the conversation."


I guess I haven't felt what he's feeling, maybe not yet, maybe I'd have much more interaction with the readers to feel this way. My posts just aren't that controversial (interesting?).

Still, an interesting take on the perils of blogging. This would be a great topic for discussion.

Link: Blog Announcement.

Have a great day.

Into the future,

davidT

In Mac We Trust

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I know terrible, terrible. But if you're a Mac head you understand. New 15' Mac Book Pro (old PowerBook) is coming out this month. I may just wait until the second batch comes out but hello new laptop! It's a good day to be a Mac head.

Gotta go change the oil...

See live text updates at:Macworld San Francisco 2006 Live Updates.

Have a great day.

Into the future,

davidT

Sunday, January 08, 2006

Dizzy with a Koncusssian (Concussion)

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Well, I have at least a mild concussion, dizziness, blurry vision, headaches and I'm dealing with what's called post-concussion syndrome, basically anxiety over the head injury itself. I've read about this online and it's not serious, but Thursday I'm finally having my regular doctor check me out maybe do an x-ray or CAT scan, not sure. It's been 5 weeks since the injury and at first I didn't feel much but the last few weeks it's bothered me more. I've been to the chiropractor for my neck pain which resulted from the injury and he said these injuries take 2-3 months to fully heal. They're worse than breaking a bone.

I've had a hard time concentrating and focusing and my sharpeness with things like remembering verses has come and gone. It was a good wack to my head for sure. A 6ft antique lamp with the hard glass cover fell on my head at a music store and hit me pretty hard. Freak accident.

I'm taking a few days off this week to rest as I haven't stopped since the injury. Finally, I will stay home and take care of myself. I think I'm fine, no surgery needed or long term effects, I used to forget verses before this happened too! But it bothers me and it messes with my mind and brings me anxiety at night, sleeplesness, waking up suddenly. But I'm getting better. I'm trying to work out as much as possible, running 3-4x and lifting about 2-3x a week, but it's been slow due to this injury, sometimes I feel too jittery to lift heavy weights over my head. I have followed my eating plan pretty closely.

I spoke to my mom in Nicaragua last night and I was telling her how with grieving abuelita, Christmas, tons of family and this injury, I've felt pretty stressed and tired. But I've had wonderful moments also, such as talking to her. I cried, just telling her how much I miss her. I've been reading verses such as "be anxious for nothing...", "cease striving and know that I am God...", "don't worry about tomorrow..." and "rejoice in the Lord always..." That has been very helpful.

And God is near. Though I feel knocked off the horse on my way to Damascus per say and somewhat blind for three days, I know he is near and Jesus is the One I serve. I have been reminded that He is the One who strengthens me, not my body or fitness, not my skills, abilities or ministry experience, it is He who sustains me and He who can take it all away.

One day the scales will come off and God will be glorified in this. It has certainly caused me to pause and reflect on how much I need Him. This injury is a hot button for me which reminds me how I can worship the idol of anxiety to get through being out of control. But this time, although I have my weak moments, I am committing myself to community, to talking things through with my pastor's small group, to my wife and children, and to worshipping the true and Livign God, my King and Savior, not the idol of anxiety and fear.

I'm also learning to rejoice at all times. Right now little David is playing with 'Muck' and 'Scoop' from Bob the Builder, our two daughters are playing Barbies with a friend and yesterday I sang at a beautiful wedding, in a beautiful hall for one of the young worship leaders I've mentored. I enjoyed being alone with my wife and at night I spoke to my mom. It was a great Saturday.

"The Lord is my light and my salvation, whom shall I fear, whom shall I fear?" Psalm 27:1

Have a great day.

Into the future,

davidT

Sunday, January 01, 2006

The Future of Faith

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It's ironic that anyone can make predictions about faith, but if Barna can do it I guess anyone can. I think the Emergent Church is in a good place if #1 is true. Personally, I feel myself going more liturgical and integrated (ancient-future) in the worship arts.

For example, I'm considering a traditional liturgical approach to Christmas Eve 2006. Why? I guess I feel the emptiness of high stage, high energy, stage driven worship and long for more contemplation, connectivity, humanity, rest and mystery in the contemporary church model. Maybe we'll be one of the first mainstream large churches to go from contemporary to liturgical/ancient-future. I'm not sure if there are others who've done it.

FAITH PREDICTIONS:
"1. The home church movement (small, interconnected cell groups) will spread as Christianity remakes itself on the model of its early history.

2. Tensions will rise between conservative believers and liberal nonbelievers

3. Religious bureaucracies will flirt with extinction but evolve into bare-bone operations.

4. Islam will become the majority religion in Europe.

5. Christianity will gain in Africa but lose in the Mideast and Asia (except Korea, where it flourishes).

6. Hinduism, Buddhism, Sikhism and Judaism will remain stable; tribal religions decline near the vanishing point."

Into the future,

davidT