Welcome back. You belong here.
Sabbath week is over, but it was a very reflective time. It ended with R' going to OR to see her sister for a few days, so life is a bit hectic right now running around with the little ones, but even in that, I see so much of myself (trying to be relaxed is not easy when you've got twice the stuff to do!).
For the last few days I've been reading Job, that's where God has led me to be. I'm on chapter 14 of 42. Job is such an example of being honest yet respectful, no hairs on his tongue, but always realizing there's much he didn't understand. I can relate.
There are so many phrases I relate to in Job "I have no peace, no quietness; I have no rest, but only turmoil" and many others. Job speaks of God's arrows being like poison in his body, what a great picture.
For me this relates to the "conversations with God" I've been having about my childhood, songs I'm writing like "We Must Talk", opening parts of my story to God I've never talked to him about before. God abandoned me, left me on my own at an early age and that caused great trauma in me. Things I've always tried to spiritualize or accept, but have never gotten mad about with God, told God about, just to simply say "Where were you?!"
Job has no problems telling God "where were you", even though that's the very thing God tells Job in the end, an answer I don't get. Why would the God of the universe not simply say to Job "I'm sorry Job for destroying your life", "I blew it there", "Please forgive me", instead he acts defensive, like Job needs to be put in his place. I don't get it and I'm not asking to get it, it's not right.
But I admire Job's respect of God, he always keeps his distance, which in some ways you have to do with God, after all, He can change things right away. But the idea of being afraid of God makes no sense to me either, Job was near defiant in his words to God yet realized "who can take God to court", that he had no power to really change God.
It's a dilemma, but to not say anything affects me more than to say things to God. To keep quiet, to swallow the trauma only makes things worst. God can handle my defiance, my questions, my blame, my doubt. He loves me still.
It's been a good process. No Sabbath is ever a one time deal, that's why we are to have 1 day of rest every 7 days, I need another Sabbath week! But I have enough to carry me for the next leg of this path. God has me in his eye, in his hands, even if this son of his is a bit restless at the time. It's good for our relationship.
Have a great day.
Into the future,
davidT
