First Breakthrough from Head to Experience

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Over the last few weeks, I've been blogging through the transition from a full time church job (safety, security) into a life of mission and trust.

Last week I met with my spiritual director and she told me that Giving Up Anxiety for Lent has to go from my Head to Experience. Well it's happening.

Since then I've had 4 Anxiety Killer Experiences that have brought me a sense of stillness. None of these deal with money, a job, insurance or stability, in fact, we continue to have no clue where our income will come from for next month.

But in spite of all that, we feel peace in our lives, like the plane is no longer in a holding pattern, nor is it in the middle of turbulence, but has landed and is resting in the runway awaiting instructions.

1st Anxiety Killer: Basketball and War
My spiritual director had me think of times when I realized I was in God's lap, like a grandchild or a son jumping in his mother's lap and feeling secure.

I thought of two, when I play basketball with our 7 year old son and see that smile on his face he feels safe with me. Second, when I was 10 years old in Nicaragua, during the worst of the war, we had to sleep on the floor due to bullets and heavy fighting at night yet I felt safe. This is the way God cares for me.

2nd Anxiety Killer: Strep Throat
Yesterday I got strep throat, my throat is still killing me as I type this although it's getting better. Being in bed for two straight days, unable to do much (dishes, laundry, make dinner, sleep) helped me realize I can't make anything happen. I can't make a move to CA happen or a sweet job in CO a reality even though I try. Like with strep, there are times that you have to wait things out even if you're in pain.

3rd Anxiety Killer: My Doctor's Office
So while at my doctor's office for strep throat (I hate that long Q-tip they stick in your mouth till you gag) I heard God speak through my doctor. He asked me how our children were doing with our transition. He told me how his parents were missionaries and that even though it was tough to live paycheck to paycheck, he feels the rewards were greater. He learned the value of trusting God, of helping people, of seeing God provide every month. I felt God was telling me that he would do the same for us.

4th Anxiety Killer: King Sooper's, Drums and Costco
Over the last four weeks we've had random emails from people we hardly know saying "we want to help". Some have sent us King Sooper's gift cards, others have said "can you give me voice lessons?" We also sold an old drum set and returned some stuff at Costco which helped us get through last month. All these small gestures and provisions have helped us realize that God is with us.

So we continue on this missional downward move towards faith and Kingdom living. We still don't have many answers, in fact, we have just as many questions as before.

But my commitment to Giving Up Anxiety for Lent is alive and well. These four Anxiety Killers have moved this commitment from my head to my heart. Will I struggle again? Yes, will I be tempted to fear and worry again? Of course. But these experiences remind me that God is with us and that he will provide the peace and serenity we need when we need it most.

What are your hangups to trust? What are you Anxiety Killers?

Thoughts?

For Lent I'm Giving Up: Anxiety

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YOU CAN ALSO LISTEN TO OUR ASH WEDNESDAY PODCAST AT:
Neighbors Abbey Denver Podcast - Ash Wednesday.

Today is Ash Wednesday and I had another Holy Visitation, the first one is here.  Yesterday I woke up thinking about the hymn "It Is Well With My Soul" and especially Aaron Ivey's version. I've sung that version before and it's always filled me with strength and perspective.

Imposition of Ashes on Ash Wednesday

As you may know, I left the traditional church 10 days ago to pursue my dream to start a Neighbors Abbey and do city development. The process has not been easy and last week I experienced one of my worst panic attacks in years.

But today I woke up with a focus on surrendering Anxiety for Lent. It was a Holy Visitation.

Lent starts today Ash Wednesday when people  traditional give up something and take the "Imposition of Ashes" as a symbol of mourning and repentance to God.

As I listened to "It Is Well" and as I spoke to my wife about it, I felt God saying "This man lost his four daughters and near his wife in a tragic boat accident, returned to the scene of the crime and wrote 'It is well with my soul'", can you do the same?

So today, Ash Wednesday and for the next 40 days, I am giving up Anxiety.

I am giving up stressing over a job, unless it comes to me.
I am giving up worrying every day about money, about my future, about what I will do with my life as an almost 42 year old switching gears mid stream.
I am giving up tirelessly trying to make things happen.

Instead I will focus on the beauty of this Sabbatical, and focus on life giving things:

1. Neighbors Abbey podcasts
2. My Music
3. Exercise, yoga and eating healthy
4. Prayer and meditation, contemplation and retreat
5. Doing laundry, going grocery shopping and taking our children to the doctor

I know I will be tested, I already feel the impulse to get on the phone, email, make sure I'm out there pursuing things, but I'm resisting and instead focusing on things above.

The way I see it, this 40-day Lenten season is a Sabbatical of sorts, a time to regroup, to recalibrate my soul. After all, the charge before me is huge and there will be plenty of time in the future to worry about them.

There are so many things ahead of us, many questions still unanswered. But for the next 40 days, through Easter Sunday, April 24th, 2011 and the Resurrection of King Jesus, I will give up Anxiety and  store up treasures that last.

Have a great day.

Into the future,

davidTrig

Vertigo, Dizzyness and Anxiety

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The last few months have been very stressful for me. In July I felt heart palpitations for 3 straight weeks while in LA, a lot of it from the fears and stress of being back at a place I consider painful.

Since then, I've been dealing with stress at work, criticism, feeling inadequate. Turning 40 this year has been a huge deal for me, it's made me feel old and like my body is falling apart. I used to be in great shape (two years ago), but the last year or so have not been great. I've eaten too much and not exercised.

Vericrose veins, overweight, teeth problems, other stuff all have bummed me out. Then my wife began to work full time for the first time in our marriage and it touches that loneliness part of me, it's been a huge change.

Moving here to CO a year and a half ago has been hard, a lot of great things, and I always feel bad because people really want your experience moving to their area to be nothing but glorious, and some of it has been. But I left the comforts of home, relationships, the affirmation, I was at the top of my game in all areas - physically, artistically, professionally, realtionships, connections, longevity, respect, etc. But the hole in my soul got exposed and the "bringing you down from the clefts of the rock" (Obadiah) began.

I have dealt with anxiety and depression my whole life. I fear dying like people in my family have, I fear I'm inadequate in my skills, I fear being left alone, I fear failing as a person, husband and father. I've been in counseling over these issues, I've just begun to scratch the surface, I'm trying to see another counselor here soon.

So with all that as backdrop, last week I began to get dizzy, Vertigo type symptoms. I'm still dealing with it. The doctors have done some tests, blood work, nothing. No CT scans or MRI's as of now, the dr. says I don't need it, that it would be very strange if I had a brain tumor or such, I'm too young. He gave me a sedative to relax.

The weekend before the Vertigo, we went up the mountains, I had been feeling pretty dehydrated all week long, then the temperature dropped about 30 degrees overnight and the Vertigo kicked in.

It could be an ear issue, it would be anxiety, it could be "who knows". I'm trying not to fear the worst, being that my grandmother died of a brain anyurism, but truth tells me that's not me. But I have a hard time believing the truth.

In Jan-Feb-March of 2006 I dealt with almost the exact thing. A lamp fell on my head in Nov. 2005, a mild concussion, not much came from it, I felt fine. Then the 1st year anniversary of my abuelita's death who died from a brain anyurism Jan. 3rd 2005 at age 78 wacked me out, and with my head feeling a bit off, I went into a downward spiral. Dizzyness, Vertigo, panic, anxiety, fear, very similar to what I'm dealing with now. That went away on its own after a few months. I have not hit my head recently or anything like that, but I have been dealing with some major stress and anxiety.

The lessons I'm trying to get into my head are two:
1. What is TRUE. True in all my areas of fear, what are lies from Satan and tapes I play that I am swallowing hook and sinker. What can I do to believe the TRUTH. It doesn't mean ignore my symptoms, but it means taking it one day at a time and not overdoing it with my fears.

2. Stand against the Lies. Satan, tapes of my past, all these things haunt me and I believe them so easily. Sometimes I'd say I'd rather believe the lies than the truth, because it feeds my "I can do this without God" syndrome which is like my addiction. My whole life since being a little boy, I have felt I'm on my own, I have to take care of myself on my own. God is sort of trust worthy, but to "walk into the propeller" or "face my fears" is not fun. I'd rather take control and maybe things will get better. This is not working for me.

So I'm in the process of believing God again. Can I trust God if I fall apart? If I have to face my fears of past failures, of inadequacy, of death/illness of being left alone. I know the answer is yes, but I don't believe it half or almost all the time. The other day I was sitting on our bench in the front porch and I realized this was a decision of "Do I believe there is a God" or "Do I take care of this on my own". How do I know I love Jesus and believe in God? That day I once again said to the heavens, "God, these are the times I know you're real, and yes, I believe in you, help me". To me that is real faith.

I find that when I cry out to God he comforts me, doesn't fix it, and this anxiety is not going away, but like Psalm 131 "I have stilled and quieted my soul, like a weaned child with his mother, so is my soul within me." I have found that God is a "stilling" God, the God who as my mom says makes me "calmadito" (calm).

The other day I spoke to a friend about all this. He said, do you have resolve in any of these areas? I said yes, this one. He said, then move it over. It's no longer in the "fear column" or the "I'm in control" column, move it over, in my words, to the "God has it" column.

He also told me that at some point in my life as I age, I need to stop looking at the past and look at the future, to say "How can I live differently from here on out?" That has hit me between the eyes. I often think, "40 more years of this! I can't do it!" I want to change for the sake of my health, my amazing wife, and our three beautiful children. Plus the call upon my life to do something significant, and wait, not to DO, but to BECOME a more peaceful, less critical, less fearful, less anxious, less selfish man. That's what I want.

I am struggling to do that with my health, getting older, feeling inadequate, thinking of past choices I've made that haunt me. But I am trying each day, each moment, to stand against the lies and pursue the truth, call the lies what they are, lies, resist the Enemy/Satan, hang out with some great friends (hopefully funny ones) and strain to hear God in the middle of it all.

Have a great day.

Into the future,

davidT

Why Do I Wait?

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Why do I wait for a song to come after these sad moments?
Sometimes, the moment is but that, something you feel and it goes away
The stress of it all, it overwhelms me
I battle between the ok and the it's not ok
When nothing gets done, every room is undone
Every corner seems endless, nothing feels settled

And that moment is nothing special
It's just that, a moment of feeling like you can't keep up with it all
And in fact you can't
But then, you do

I just want to finish something
A room to be complete
A project to be done
I wish I had 10 hands and 2 heads
Maybe I do

It'll get done
Not sure how
Not sure when or who
And tomorrow more gets on the list
More new things
I want the list to go away
I don't want to see it ever again

To trust, to pray, to stress out
All are mixed into one

Wait, here it comes again

Have a great day,

Into the future,

davidT

How to Respond to Challenges

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God shapes me during times of illness. I guess he does that in all of our lives. Think of Job during his on going losses, think of Martha during her brother’s death, of Peter’s mother in law, and the little girl’s parents to whom Jesus said, “she is but only sleeping.” That was tough to hear.

I don’t like it when my wife is sick, or our children are sick or anyone I love is sick, it scares me. Yet I know this is one of those two or three things in my life that God uses to grow me into His child.

The others are:
1. Illness
2. Things I don't know how to do
3. Unresolved situations

All these things cause anxiety in me, stress and a feeling of overall lack of control. I don’t like to not know how to do something, or feeling unloved or feeling like I’m not good enough. I don’t like having to compensate for this attitude by being more than I am. It leads to burn out and resentment even bitterness which leaves me vulnerable to making stupid decisions.

How I respond:
1. So I pray and I keep working at it, and I trust God and I get nervous and
2. I write about it and I pray again.
3. And I work, and engage life and do what I can to keep going and
4. I take breaks and play music and sing to God.

When life throws me into those moments of weakness, I usually retreat and run, that’s how I cope. But instead, I am learning to be the hero my wife needs me to be, the knight in shining armor, her rescuer and helper.

So today, instead of sleeping all day while she’s not feeling well, I will engage, help her out, and do some work. This is what’s best for me and for her.

Have a great day.

Into the future,

davidT