Welcome back. You belong here.
Times like these I hear God's voice so clearly, I just like acting like I don't hear him. I hear God wants me to give up more and more of my comforts, time, house, personal time, alone time and to stop making excuses. I am an introvert with some extrovert moments so I like my alone time, but if we're to become a hub for our neighbors, friends, it means I have to give up more of myself.
The other thing is sometimes I don't like talking to people, calling them back, calling them period. Email and such is an excuse too many times to keep people at arm's length. That's not the man I want to be and I hear God saying, "call them back", "talk to people", "be more friendly".
How do I know I'm missing the mark in this area? After reading the list "You know you're in community when" I could only relate to one maybe two things on the list and I've known it for a long time and it stinks. It speaks to my selfishness. The funny thing is I really have grown in this tremendously the last 2 years, imagine how bad I was before!
Here's the list, see how you relate to it, is this your life? It's not mine, but I want this. God, change my selfishness.
You know when you’re in community when:
* You have a group of friends who know they can come over, or call your cell phone without feeling like they’re bugging you.
* You look at your weekly calendar and can find at least one or two times that you’ll be seeing several of them.
* The question, “How’s it going?” is quickly followed by, “how can I help?”
* The same people you call for a movie night are the same ones you call for prayer, and the same ones that you find yourself helping others with.
* You can’t wait for your non-Christian friends to meet “your people.”
* You are as excited to throw a party together as you are about studying through the book of Romans…but you still like studying Romans.
* You watch each other’s kids and are on call for emergencies.
* You can think of a few people you’ve had to suggest they go “play church” somewhere else.
* You can’t find all your tools cuz they’ve been loaned out to people in your community.
* You find yourself taking a hike together on Sunday morning instead of just going to church.
* You meet together as a community to help serve the larger church gathering or network you’re a part of. (If by chance you don’t think you should be a part of a larger congregational structure, you’ll probably heading for myopic land and you’ll be out of community all-together in a few months.)
* Everyone’s sniffed each others stinky socks (metaphor for knowing each others hidden secrets) and there’s now a freedom to just be yourself.
*Extroverts get to be extroverts and introverts can remain introverts.
*Your children feel like they are a part of the community instead of getting thrown into the basement to watch veggie tales until the big people are done talking.
*When needs come up within the sphere of your friends, your people quickly pool resources or commit time to help.
*When your house or the house of your community runs the social calendar for the neighborhood.
*When you can take a month off from meeting and pick up right where you left off.
Have a great day.
Into the future,
davidT
Monday, April 05, 2010
Friday, April 02, 2010
A Worshipper and Child of God First and Foremost
Welcome back. You belong here.
I love worship and justice. But at the end of the day, Justice is the other side of my first love - Worship.
In my life, I've experienced some amazing times of worship. Here's a quick list:
1. Worshipping in the car with my dad as adults to the song "Hermoso Eres" in the church parking lot
2. Leading "Te Exaltaré" in Nicaragua during a missions project. The unity of both churches, both cultures and the song itself filled with the Spirit's presence was amazing. I could near hear God singing with us
3. Singing "Tu Fidelidad" at my father's funeral while his brother, my tio Saul cried in the back of the church. I felt the Spirit of God flowing through me
4. Good Friday 2007, "Sing to Jesus" a production I directed called "Gethsemane", sung with choir, orchestra, young adult band. I still remember sitting in the bell choir stage to the side and crying as the song was sung. I heard God saying "I am pleased with this David"
5. The 1st time I came to my current church. I felt like I could worship here.
6. The 1st time I went to my previous church. I felt I was a kid in a candy store
7. Songs like "Solution", "God of this City" that speak of God's love for the nations
8. A story my mom told me of "bainas" in worship. My mom told me that one Sunday (Palm Sunday?) my dad wanted the worship to be more joyous in our church, so he brought hundreds of been bainas, dry, shaky, beans sheaves. Can you hear them? They sound like maracas, like tamborines, loud. My mom said during worship, everyone worshipped God with these bainas. It must have sounded like Heaven on Earth. So my dad.
Have a great day.
Into the future,
davidT
I love worship and justice. But at the end of the day, Justice is the other side of my first love - Worship.
In my life, I've experienced some amazing times of worship. Here's a quick list:
1. Worshipping in the car with my dad as adults to the song "Hermoso Eres" in the church parking lot
2. Leading "Te Exaltaré" in Nicaragua during a missions project. The unity of both churches, both cultures and the song itself filled with the Spirit's presence was amazing. I could near hear God singing with us
3. Singing "Tu Fidelidad" at my father's funeral while his brother, my tio Saul cried in the back of the church. I felt the Spirit of God flowing through me
4. Good Friday 2007, "Sing to Jesus" a production I directed called "Gethsemane", sung with choir, orchestra, young adult band. I still remember sitting in the bell choir stage to the side and crying as the song was sung. I heard God saying "I am pleased with this David"
5. The 1st time I came to my current church. I felt like I could worship here.
6. The 1st time I went to my previous church. I felt I was a kid in a candy store
7. Songs like "Solution", "God of this City" that speak of God's love for the nations
8. A story my mom told me of "bainas" in worship. My mom told me that one Sunday (Palm Sunday?) my dad wanted the worship to be more joyous in our church, so he brought hundreds of been bainas, dry, shaky, beans sheaves. Can you hear them? They sound like maracas, like tamborines, loud. My mom said during worship, everyone worshipped God with these bainas. It must have sounded like Heaven on Earth. So my dad.
Have a great day.
Into the future,
davidT
Thursday, April 01, 2010
Late Bloomer
Welcome back. You belong here.
I must be a late bloomer. Since I can remember, I've had a love for music and writing, and even though I've written songs for the last 10-15 years, I've never written them down, completed them much less play them for others. Well, I have done a few of them before but nothing like this.
Last week, I had my first rehearsal with my band, rehearsing 8 of my original songs. My intent is to record a CD and play around town this summer and see how well they are received.
I sometimes wonder why it's taken me so long. I have tons of friends that by age 18 have written songs, formed a band and been to just about every club, coffee shop or venue in town. Why did it take me so long? I must be a late bloomer.
In some ways, my childhood and normal progress was stunted due to the trauma of growing up with out my mother, father and sisters. They loved me but they weren't able to be in my life for most of it, from age 12 till today. So much of what's happening now, this harvest or confidence, is a result of processing all that.
Counseling, meditation, trusted friends, God's Spirit, all have combined to bring about this very slow progress. Much more growth and change is still needed. Writing and publishing my songs is part of my coming out and becoming the man I'm supposed to be. Feels great.
Have a great day.
Into the future,
davidT
I must be a late bloomer. Since I can remember, I've had a love for music and writing, and even though I've written songs for the last 10-15 years, I've never written them down, completed them much less play them for others. Well, I have done a few of them before but nothing like this.
Last week, I had my first rehearsal with my band, rehearsing 8 of my original songs. My intent is to record a CD and play around town this summer and see how well they are received.
I sometimes wonder why it's taken me so long. I have tons of friends that by age 18 have written songs, formed a band and been to just about every club, coffee shop or venue in town. Why did it take me so long? I must be a late bloomer.
In some ways, my childhood and normal progress was stunted due to the trauma of growing up with out my mother, father and sisters. They loved me but they weren't able to be in my life for most of it, from age 12 till today. So much of what's happening now, this harvest or confidence, is a result of processing all that.
Counseling, meditation, trusted friends, God's Spirit, all have combined to bring about this very slow progress. Much more growth and change is still needed. Writing and publishing my songs is part of my coming out and becoming the man I'm supposed to be. Feels great.
Have a great day.
Into the future,
davidT
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
Good Day
Welcome back. You belong here.
Taking new meds for heart palps, hoping they help. Had a great meeting with our team tonight, then went out with a friend afterwards. Thinking about what God is doing in my life, feeling grateful.
If I feel strong, I will get back into the gym tomorrow. Today, it snowed buckets, but by the end of the day, it was a glorious sunny day. Love it!
Have a great day.
Into the future,
davidT
Taking new meds for heart palps, hoping they help. Had a great meeting with our team tonight, then went out with a friend afterwards. Thinking about what God is doing in my life, feeling grateful.
If I feel strong, I will get back into the gym tomorrow. Today, it snowed buckets, but by the end of the day, it was a glorious sunny day. Love it!
Have a great day.
Into the future,
davidT
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
Echo is Fine
Welcome back. You belong here.
My doctor called today and my echo was fine, no problems with my heart, yeah! I'm so relieved. The heart palps persist, and the medication is helping some. It's been almost three months of just about daily symptoms, sometimes all day long.
But I've felt them lessen the last few days, so that's a positive sign. I am praying they leave the way they came, suddenly. Back in July, I had them for 3 weeks and they went away on their own.
Have a great day.
Into the future,
davidT
My doctor called today and my echo was fine, no problems with my heart, yeah! I'm so relieved. The heart palps persist, and the medication is helping some. It's been almost three months of just about daily symptoms, sometimes all day long.
But I've felt them lessen the last few days, so that's a positive sign. I am praying they leave the way they came, suddenly. Back in July, I had them for 3 weeks and they went away on their own.
Have a great day.
Into the future,
davidT
Monday, March 15, 2010
END - Sabbath Day#6 and 7 Final Thoughts
Welcome back. You belong here.
Sabbath week is over, but it was a very reflective time. It ended with R' going to OR to see her sister for a few days, so life is a bit hectic right now running around with the little ones, but even in that, I see so much of myself (trying to be relaxed is not easy when you've got twice the stuff to do!).
For the last few days I've been reading Job, that's where God has led me to be. I'm on chapter 14 of 42. Job is such an example of being honest yet respectful, no hairs on his tongue, but always realizing there's much he didn't understand. I can relate.
There are so many phrases I relate to in Job "I have no peace, no quietness; I have no rest, but only turmoil" and many others. Job speaks of God's arrows being like poison in his body, what a great picture.
For me this relates to the "conversations with God" I've been having about my childhood, songs I'm writing like "We Must Talk", opening parts of my story to God I've never talked to him about before. God abandoned me, left me on my own at an early age and that caused great trauma in me. Things I've always tried to spiritualize or accept, but have never gotten mad about with God, told God about, just to simply say "Where were you?!"
Job has no problems telling God "where were you", even though that's the very thing God tells Job in the end, an answer I don't get. Why would the God of the universe not simply say to Job "I'm sorry Job for destroying your life", "I blew it there", "Please forgive me", instead he acts defensive, like Job needs to be put in his place. I don't get it and I'm not asking to get it, it's not right.
But I admire Job's respect of God, he always keeps his distance, which in some ways you have to do with God, after all, He can change things right away. But the idea of being afraid of God makes no sense to me either, Job was near defiant in his words to God yet realized "who can take God to court", that he had no power to really change God.
It's a dilemma, but to not say anything affects me more than to say things to God. To keep quiet, to swallow the trauma only makes things worst. God can handle my defiance, my questions, my blame, my doubt. He loves me still.
It's been a good process. No Sabbath is ever a one time deal, that's why we are to have 1 day of rest every 7 days, I need another Sabbath week! But I have enough to carry me for the next leg of this path. God has me in his eye, in his hands, even if this son of his is a bit restless at the time. It's good for our relationship.
Have a great day.
Into the future,
davidT
Sabbath week is over, but it was a very reflective time. It ended with R' going to OR to see her sister for a few days, so life is a bit hectic right now running around with the little ones, but even in that, I see so much of myself (trying to be relaxed is not easy when you've got twice the stuff to do!).
For the last few days I've been reading Job, that's where God has led me to be. I'm on chapter 14 of 42. Job is such an example of being honest yet respectful, no hairs on his tongue, but always realizing there's much he didn't understand. I can relate.
There are so many phrases I relate to in Job "I have no peace, no quietness; I have no rest, but only turmoil" and many others. Job speaks of God's arrows being like poison in his body, what a great picture.
For me this relates to the "conversations with God" I've been having about my childhood, songs I'm writing like "We Must Talk", opening parts of my story to God I've never talked to him about before. God abandoned me, left me on my own at an early age and that caused great trauma in me. Things I've always tried to spiritualize or accept, but have never gotten mad about with God, told God about, just to simply say "Where were you?!"
Job has no problems telling God "where were you", even though that's the very thing God tells Job in the end, an answer I don't get. Why would the God of the universe not simply say to Job "I'm sorry Job for destroying your life", "I blew it there", "Please forgive me", instead he acts defensive, like Job needs to be put in his place. I don't get it and I'm not asking to get it, it's not right.
But I admire Job's respect of God, he always keeps his distance, which in some ways you have to do with God, after all, He can change things right away. But the idea of being afraid of God makes no sense to me either, Job was near defiant in his words to God yet realized "who can take God to court", that he had no power to really change God.
It's a dilemma, but to not say anything affects me more than to say things to God. To keep quiet, to swallow the trauma only makes things worst. God can handle my defiance, my questions, my blame, my doubt. He loves me still.
It's been a good process. No Sabbath is ever a one time deal, that's why we are to have 1 day of rest every 7 days, I need another Sabbath week! But I have enough to carry me for the next leg of this path. God has me in his eye, in his hands, even if this son of his is a bit restless at the time. It's good for our relationship.
Have a great day.
Into the future,
davidT
Saturday, March 13, 2010
La Guitarra
Welcome back. You belong here.
The guitar, as for many Nicaraguënses, has been my faithful companion since age 5-6 when my father gave me my first nylon string guitar. In Nicaragua, the nylon/classical guitar is king, shades of the influence of the Spanish Inquisition.
I grew up with nylon/classical guitar in my home, at church, TV, concerts, everywhere. Still to this day, the classical/nylon guitar is home. I now have the joy of owning over 10 high end guitars, electric, acoustic and everything in between (although I could always use 5 or 6 more). But still, the one I use the most at home, to practice, to record is a nylon guitar.
When I was a young boy, 8-9 years old, my friend Eduardo Araica, now an accomplished classical guitarist, and his brother Alberto were a huge inspiration to my music at an early age. Thank you dear "gemelos".
Here is some of his music.
The last two songs I recently wrote, I wrote on a $25 nylon guitar, junior size. Probably my most loved nylon guitar is one I bought for my father a few years before he died and after his death I kept. It's in my office and I use it all the time.
The most painful nylon guitar story? Oh yes, one of our children (who will remain nameless) dropped and broke my hand-made from Long Beach, CA nylon guitar. That happened just a few months ago. I still ache each time I see the crack up and down the neck and back. Ouch.
But guitars are relationships, they are love, life and history. For me, the classical guitar is all those things. It's in my blood.
Have a great day.
Into the future,
davidT
The guitar, as for many Nicaraguënses, has been my faithful companion since age 5-6 when my father gave me my first nylon string guitar. In Nicaragua, the nylon/classical guitar is king, shades of the influence of the Spanish Inquisition.
I grew up with nylon/classical guitar in my home, at church, TV, concerts, everywhere. Still to this day, the classical/nylon guitar is home. I now have the joy of owning over 10 high end guitars, electric, acoustic and everything in between (although I could always use 5 or 6 more). But still, the one I use the most at home, to practice, to record is a nylon guitar.
When I was a young boy, 8-9 years old, my friend Eduardo Araica, now an accomplished classical guitarist, and his brother Alberto were a huge inspiration to my music at an early age. Thank you dear "gemelos".
Here is some of his music.
The last two songs I recently wrote, I wrote on a $25 nylon guitar, junior size. Probably my most loved nylon guitar is one I bought for my father a few years before he died and after his death I kept. It's in my office and I use it all the time.
The most painful nylon guitar story? Oh yes, one of our children (who will remain nameless) dropped and broke my hand-made from Long Beach, CA nylon guitar. That happened just a few months ago. I still ache each time I see the crack up and down the neck and back. Ouch.
But guitars are relationships, they are love, life and history. For me, the classical guitar is all those things. It's in my blood.
Have a great day.
Into the future,
davidT
Working Out Update
Welcome back. You belong here.
It's tough to go back in time regarding my workout history but here's a quick look:
I'm 5'11', 40 years of age
2003: 235lb - overweight
2004-2005: 185lb - Went on Body for Life for 2 years, lost 40lbs
2006: 195lb - did Arnold's and Dave Draper's Body Building Programs, gained about 10lbs of muscle, natural supplements
2007-2009: 215lb, gained 20lbs, moving, new job, new life did me in, and I gained a bunch of weight
2010: 205lbs (March 2010), I've gotten back into working out (Body for Life, weights, running, yoga) and have lost 10lbs in 4 months (good pace)
Goal: July 2010: 195lb - I want to lose another 10lbs and get my muscle tone back
I feel motivated, 4 months of working out is real and I've broken through the adjustment in routine and eating, I'm on my way. Wish me luck!
Have a great day.
Into the future,
davidT
It's tough to go back in time regarding my workout history but here's a quick look:
I'm 5'11', 40 years of age
2003: 235lb - overweight
2004-2005: 185lb - Went on Body for Life for 2 years, lost 40lbs
2006: 195lb - did Arnold's and Dave Draper's Body Building Programs, gained about 10lbs of muscle, natural supplements
2007-2009: 215lb, gained 20lbs, moving, new job, new life did me in, and I gained a bunch of weight
2010: 205lbs (March 2010), I've gotten back into working out (Body for Life, weights, running, yoga) and have lost 10lbs in 4 months (good pace)
Goal: July 2010: 195lb - I want to lose another 10lbs and get my muscle tone back
I feel motivated, 4 months of working out is real and I've broken through the adjustment in routine and eating, I'm on my way. Wish me luck!
Have a great day.
Into the future,
davidT
Friday, March 12, 2010
Sabbath Day#4 and 5 Echo, Yoga and New Songs
Welcome back. You belong here.
Days 4 and 5 of my Sabbath week have been amazing, got through the echocardiogram (no results yet), but hoping for the best. The test was simple, about 30mns, I spoke to the tech the whole time to relax, she was from North Dakota. Waiting for the results has been a combination of nerves and just living life. Everyone tells me I'm fine, so I'm starting to believe it although the palps persist.
Then that night a song came to me about "conversations with God" called "I've Said It All This Time". The song came from my morning meditations. It talks about talking to God about some important things we have never talked about. It was a very sincere, introspective song about my relationship with God and my childhood.
I could write about that song for days...
Today Friday the same thing happened. While at Yoga I heard an audible voice say "Just a few more months papi", it was strange. Again, I could write on that line for months.
As I tried to follow Wendy's cues, our Yoga instructor, I began to cry and got lost in the moment. I took a pose on the floor (I forget the name of it, pigeon?) and kept crying as quiet as I could in a room full of people at the YMCA, weird.
God's presence was obvious, his audible voice was right there with me. I knew exactly what He meant. So I went home and wrote another song called "Just A Few More Hours"...it sounds better than "Just a Few More Months Papi".
Both songs (1st takes) are posted on my music blog here. I will post the final products later. Let me know if you heard the songs.
Have a great day.
Into the future,
davidT
Days 4 and 5 of my Sabbath week have been amazing, got through the echocardiogram (no results yet), but hoping for the best. The test was simple, about 30mns, I spoke to the tech the whole time to relax, she was from North Dakota. Waiting for the results has been a combination of nerves and just living life. Everyone tells me I'm fine, so I'm starting to believe it although the palps persist.
Then that night a song came to me about "conversations with God" called "I've Said It All This Time". The song came from my morning meditations. It talks about talking to God about some important things we have never talked about. It was a very sincere, introspective song about my relationship with God and my childhood.
I could write about that song for days...
Today Friday the same thing happened. While at Yoga I heard an audible voice say "Just a few more months papi", it was strange. Again, I could write on that line for months.
As I tried to follow Wendy's cues, our Yoga instructor, I began to cry and got lost in the moment. I took a pose on the floor (I forget the name of it, pigeon?) and kept crying as quiet as I could in a room full of people at the YMCA, weird.
God's presence was obvious, his audible voice was right there with me. I knew exactly what He meant. So I went home and wrote another song called "Just A Few More Hours"...it sounds better than "Just a Few More Months Papi".
Both songs (1st takes) are posted on my music blog here. I will post the final products later. Let me know if you heard the songs.
Have a great day.
Into the future,
davidT
Thursday, March 11, 2010
It's More than "The City"
Welcome back. You belong here.
In church circles, the term "the city" has a ring to it, it's a badge of honor. "I'm about the city", "I love my city", "God loves the city", "The poor live in the city", I get it, I've done it. But for me, the city is not a cool church term, it's simply where I grew up and that's why I love it.
God is not just in the city, he's everywhere, the country, burbs, mountains, beach, Africa, South America, the world. And God doesn't love the city more than other places, that makes no sense. Truly, we could say God loves heaven more than earth, the point is he loves it all.
For me the city is where I came from and what defines me. I grew up in Managua, Nicaragua, a city of a million people, crazy taxi drivers and old revolution buses from Russia. Then at age 6 or so, I moved to Long Beach, CA before it had an "arts district" when it was all getto and burbs. I grew up in the middle of the two, in a one bedroom apartment above a house filled with 20-30 cats.
I went to two very different elementary schools in two different countries, in fact I got beat up (twice) by a White kid (the same kid) when I was 8 years old, not sure why. My high school picture was a Philippino guy, Latino guy (me), European and a White Gay guy. That was normal, there were 2000 of us.
My middle school was Latino, White and African American, all these things were normal, I only note them now because they seem to matter, but then it was just my neighborhood, my friends, my church, parks, buses.
Some people grew up in the city but now hate it. Here in the burbs I hear it all the time, they hate traffic, poverty, people, traffic, poverty, people, you get the point.
But I'm not one of them, I love the city, not because God loves the city, or because missional 30-something social justice Christians should. I love the city because it's where I grew up and I loved it from day one. Currently I live in the burbs, first time in my life and it's been crazy. One day, we'll be in the city again, not because of anything hip or cool, but because like the song says "Todos Vuelven", we all come back to the place of our birth.
If you grew up in the country, in the burbs, in the city, in Africa, in Europe, you may say now, "I'm never going back!" But my experience, now at near 41, is that at some point, we all return.
Have a great day.
Into the future,
davidT
In church circles, the term "the city" has a ring to it, it's a badge of honor. "I'm about the city", "I love my city", "God loves the city", "The poor live in the city", I get it, I've done it. But for me, the city is not a cool church term, it's simply where I grew up and that's why I love it.
God is not just in the city, he's everywhere, the country, burbs, mountains, beach, Africa, South America, the world. And God doesn't love the city more than other places, that makes no sense. Truly, we could say God loves heaven more than earth, the point is he loves it all.
For me the city is where I came from and what defines me. I grew up in Managua, Nicaragua, a city of a million people, crazy taxi drivers and old revolution buses from Russia. Then at age 6 or so, I moved to Long Beach, CA before it had an "arts district" when it was all getto and burbs. I grew up in the middle of the two, in a one bedroom apartment above a house filled with 20-30 cats.
I went to two very different elementary schools in two different countries, in fact I got beat up (twice) by a White kid (the same kid) when I was 8 years old, not sure why. My high school picture was a Philippino guy, Latino guy (me), European and a White Gay guy. That was normal, there were 2000 of us.
My middle school was Latino, White and African American, all these things were normal, I only note them now because they seem to matter, but then it was just my neighborhood, my friends, my church, parks, buses.
Some people grew up in the city but now hate it. Here in the burbs I hear it all the time, they hate traffic, poverty, people, traffic, poverty, people, you get the point.
But I'm not one of them, I love the city, not because God loves the city, or because missional 30-something social justice Christians should. I love the city because it's where I grew up and I loved it from day one. Currently I live in the burbs, first time in my life and it's been crazy. One day, we'll be in the city again, not because of anything hip or cool, but because like the song says "Todos Vuelven", we all come back to the place of our birth.
If you grew up in the country, in the burbs, in the city, in Africa, in Europe, you may say now, "I'm never going back!" But my experience, now at near 41, is that at some point, we all return.
Have a great day.
Into the future,
davidT
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
Sabbath Day#3 Talking to God and the Day Before
Welcome back. You belong here.
The day before is usually worst than the day after. Tomorrow is my echo and although it should be fine it still makes me nervous. For years, whether CTScans, MRI's, ultrasounds, and a myriad of tests, I've always expected the worst - brain tumors, anyurisms and tomorrow is no exception. Btw, all these tests have come back normal/negative. I live in the what if. It sucks.
I'm also taking two beta blockers instead of one starting tomorrow, to see if that helps my heart palps. They bother me every day throughout the day.
I did other things today, but none that really brought me peace. I finished the handrails for both set of stairs, got our family 2 nights, 3 days at a hotel in the area (mini-family vacation) and went for a drive. That was eventful.
When I arrived at my destination (some mountain foothills nearby, it was snow-blowing), I wrote to God in a way I haven't done in a while if ever. It was about God being an "absentee father" in my life. I wrote page after page of the effects God's absence caused on me psychologically and physically. There was blame, doubt, some anger (not much), it was more methodical than emotional.
I went through event after event over my last 20 years where I didn't see God. Where were you God when....I resisted thinking of all the ways I think, or others would say, he's been there in order to stay in the moment and be as honest as possible.
This is something that I haven't done much if ever. It was uneventful to say the least, more like a surgeon than a hurt son. I was testing the process in a sense to see what would come of it. Nothing came of it, except to feel pretty much the same, distant from God.
In the nice things of life, the nice people, the good days, finding God is almost no fun. It's obvious, not that God was there, but that you're feeling good so who needs God then? But trying to make sense of the trauma of my childhood while "God just stood there", what do I do with that?
My counselor (as well as my spiritual director) both tell me to keep talking, to tell God everything. I'm not sure there will be some emotional outburst on the other end of this, right now it's mostly a hurt person being very linear and truthful about a situation that is beyond repair. The hurt was done, I live with the consequences daily, God didn't spare me much and so now I'm left to pick up the pieces.
I'm not saying God doesn't help me in that, it's just I'd rather He'd kept me from the trauma to begin with.
Towards the end of my time "with God", I tried to think of something miraculous, something supernatural in my life that I didn't create, I didn't do FOR God, but that God has truly done for me. A sign, or many signs that God does care.
The word that came up was "grace". It's been in the grace people have shown me when I was at my lowest that I see God. I can't say that was people being nice, or me being lovable. I can't say it was something I asked or forced them to do. I can't say I deserved it, in fact, I felt I deserved punishment. And this was more than once in my life.
Instead, grace is the closest thing to "the Son of God" that I know of. It's something I can't explain away, but it is something I have received. So maybe in my conversation with God, even though I heard no "I'm sorry Trig for leaving you alone" nor "Yeah, you're right I was absent", instead I heard "Grace".
Have a great day.
Into the future,
davidT
The day before is usually worst than the day after. Tomorrow is my echo and although it should be fine it still makes me nervous. For years, whether CTScans, MRI's, ultrasounds, and a myriad of tests, I've always expected the worst - brain tumors, anyurisms and tomorrow is no exception. Btw, all these tests have come back normal/negative. I live in the what if. It sucks.
I'm also taking two beta blockers instead of one starting tomorrow, to see if that helps my heart palps. They bother me every day throughout the day.
I did other things today, but none that really brought me peace. I finished the handrails for both set of stairs, got our family 2 nights, 3 days at a hotel in the area (mini-family vacation) and went for a drive. That was eventful.
When I arrived at my destination (some mountain foothills nearby, it was snow-blowing), I wrote to God in a way I haven't done in a while if ever. It was about God being an "absentee father" in my life. I wrote page after page of the effects God's absence caused on me psychologically and physically. There was blame, doubt, some anger (not much), it was more methodical than emotional.
I went through event after event over my last 20 years where I didn't see God. Where were you God when....I resisted thinking of all the ways I think, or others would say, he's been there in order to stay in the moment and be as honest as possible.
This is something that I haven't done much if ever. It was uneventful to say the least, more like a surgeon than a hurt son. I was testing the process in a sense to see what would come of it. Nothing came of it, except to feel pretty much the same, distant from God.
In the nice things of life, the nice people, the good days, finding God is almost no fun. It's obvious, not that God was there, but that you're feeling good so who needs God then? But trying to make sense of the trauma of my childhood while "God just stood there", what do I do with that?
My counselor (as well as my spiritual director) both tell me to keep talking, to tell God everything. I'm not sure there will be some emotional outburst on the other end of this, right now it's mostly a hurt person being very linear and truthful about a situation that is beyond repair. The hurt was done, I live with the consequences daily, God didn't spare me much and so now I'm left to pick up the pieces.
I'm not saying God doesn't help me in that, it's just I'd rather He'd kept me from the trauma to begin with.
Towards the end of my time "with God", I tried to think of something miraculous, something supernatural in my life that I didn't create, I didn't do FOR God, but that God has truly done for me. A sign, or many signs that God does care.
The word that came up was "grace". It's been in the grace people have shown me when I was at my lowest that I see God. I can't say that was people being nice, or me being lovable. I can't say it was something I asked or forced them to do. I can't say I deserved it, in fact, I felt I deserved punishment. And this was more than once in my life.
Instead, grace is the closest thing to "the Son of God" that I know of. It's something I can't explain away, but it is something I have received. So maybe in my conversation with God, even though I heard no "I'm sorry Trig for leaving you alone" nor "Yeah, you're right I was absent", instead I heard "Grace".
Have a great day.
Into the future,
davidT
Tuesday, March 09, 2010
Sabbath Day#1 Teeth and Decompress
Welcome back. You belong here.
First days of any time of rest are tough, so it was for me. It started with our 11 year old having four teeth extracted, tough girl, all for good reasons. The other two also had stuff done to them, yikes. Then I scheduled my echo (not fun), and it ended with missing out on PTO with my wife so I could stay home with our post-dentist patients (our three children).
All day I felt anxious, tired, nervous about our 11 year old's procedure and just trying to process the day.
I think I felt worst yesterday than I have the last few days although I slept through the night (good thing). I wrote a lot, made some plans for the rest of my Sabbath. Even though I personally didn't rest, I was able to be there for my wife and our children when they needed me. That's what Sabbaths are sometimes all about.
Have a great day.
Into the future,
davidT
First days of any time of rest are tough, so it was for me. It started with our 11 year old having four teeth extracted, tough girl, all for good reasons. The other two also had stuff done to them, yikes. Then I scheduled my echo (not fun), and it ended with missing out on PTO with my wife so I could stay home with our post-dentist patients (our three children).
All day I felt anxious, tired, nervous about our 11 year old's procedure and just trying to process the day.
I think I felt worst yesterday than I have the last few days although I slept through the night (good thing). I wrote a lot, made some plans for the rest of my Sabbath. Even though I personally didn't rest, I was able to be there for my wife and our children when they needed me. That's what Sabbaths are sometimes all about.
Have a great day.
Into the future,
davidT
Sabbath Day#2 Puzzles and Handrails
Welcome back. You belong here.
Day2 of my Sabbath week went great. Emailed my doctor about the meds for my heart palps not really working, he was out today. Echocardiogram scheduled for Thursday, all part of the process. These palps started 2 months ago, stress induced and are still going.
Today was a great day, went to Lowe's to get stuff to install two handrails in our home, got them, painted them, ready for install tomorrow. Also got a puzzle for the family (750 pieces) and it's been great working on it together as a family. Brings me peace.
Have been writing a lot, thoughts, prayers, verses, reading Psalm 62 for the whole week "My Soul finds rest in you alone"
Praying for this arrythmia to leave the way it came, suddenly. Also praying for others, especially my two best friends. Also went to the Apple store, got my computer fixed (yeah!) and even saw a friend there. That was fun. Also got a pretzel and lemonade.
In all, a fun, relaxing day, the peace of God was all around me. Thank you God.
Have a great day.
Into the future,
davidT
Day2 of my Sabbath week went great. Emailed my doctor about the meds for my heart palps not really working, he was out today. Echocardiogram scheduled for Thursday, all part of the process. These palps started 2 months ago, stress induced and are still going.
Today was a great day, went to Lowe's to get stuff to install two handrails in our home, got them, painted them, ready for install tomorrow. Also got a puzzle for the family (750 pieces) and it's been great working on it together as a family. Brings me peace.
Have been writing a lot, thoughts, prayers, verses, reading Psalm 62 for the whole week "My Soul finds rest in you alone"
Praying for this arrythmia to leave the way it came, suddenly. Also praying for others, especially my two best friends. Also went to the Apple store, got my computer fixed (yeah!) and even saw a friend there. That was fun. Also got a pretzel and lemonade.
In all, a fun, relaxing day, the peace of God was all around me. Thank you God.
Have a great day.
Into the future,
davidT
Sunday, March 07, 2010
Can I Change? Well, Something's Changing
Welcome back. You belong here.
Today I laughed at myself in front of a thousand people. Usually, when things don't go as I planned them I go fetal. I don't do well with change, in fact, I hate change. For the last few months, my therapist has been talking to me about being like an Olympic athlete and use all parts of my brain. Due to trauma in my life as a little boy (separation, loneliness, having to raise myself) as well as just how God made me, my feelings have been off the chart.
When most people use all parts of their brain, rational, feeler and the present-now to make decisions, process information, etc. I mostly use my feelings. It's what makes me the artist I am. But it has it's hangups.
But today, I was able to bring a lot of what I've learned the last few months into a moment without trying to laugh at myself. It just happened. I did do a bit of self-hate, another flaw, but not too bad. That's also part of the process.
I've been dealing with heart palpitations for 8-9 weeks just about every day, am taking medication for it (not helping yet), etc. This has made me anxious. But days like today, together with what I'm learning about how God made me are all doing something new in me. I actually feel like I'm changing.
This huge elephant in the room who is me, is trying to change. Not easy, and the process has been so difficult (and expensive!). But God continues to walk with me, and so many things seem to make sense more than ever.
Mostly that even the things that seem impossible, whatever those habits, patterns, attitudes (for me is taking everything so personal) can change.
May this give you hope and encourage you to pursue a better you, to seek to be the person God has made you to be, and to see any difficulty you're going through now as a possible part of the process of healing and restoration.
Have a great day.
Into the future,
davidT
Today I laughed at myself in front of a thousand people. Usually, when things don't go as I planned them I go fetal. I don't do well with change, in fact, I hate change. For the last few months, my therapist has been talking to me about being like an Olympic athlete and use all parts of my brain. Due to trauma in my life as a little boy (separation, loneliness, having to raise myself) as well as just how God made me, my feelings have been off the chart.
When most people use all parts of their brain, rational, feeler and the present-now to make decisions, process information, etc. I mostly use my feelings. It's what makes me the artist I am. But it has it's hangups.
But today, I was able to bring a lot of what I've learned the last few months into a moment without trying to laugh at myself. It just happened. I did do a bit of self-hate, another flaw, but not too bad. That's also part of the process.
I've been dealing with heart palpitations for 8-9 weeks just about every day, am taking medication for it (not helping yet), etc. This has made me anxious. But days like today, together with what I'm learning about how God made me are all doing something new in me. I actually feel like I'm changing.
This huge elephant in the room who is me, is trying to change. Not easy, and the process has been so difficult (and expensive!). But God continues to walk with me, and so many things seem to make sense more than ever.
Mostly that even the things that seem impossible, whatever those habits, patterns, attitudes (for me is taking everything so personal) can change.
May this give you hope and encourage you to pursue a better you, to seek to be the person God has made you to be, and to see any difficulty you're going through now as a possible part of the process of healing and restoration.
Have a great day.
Into the future,
davidT
Thursday, February 25, 2010
Which God Are you Talking About?
Welcome back. You belong here.
In counseling one of the things we talk about is "What is true" and opening myself up to God, letting him into my junk. The problem is that each time my life coach says that I ask myself, "which God are you talking about?" The nice, good God I'm supposed to believe in or the mean God who left me when I was a young boy.
To me, there are two Gods, the Good God, and the Real God who left me, disappointed me and did not provide me with the guidance I needed when I was 12 years old. Which God do I turn to? Everyone tells me, "the Good God", "God is Good!". The issue is that the Good God is not always good. In fact, I hardly talk to that God because of the baggage we have.
So who is the Real God? Are they the same? I know God has been good to me, he has shown me grace and mercy. But when it's time to talk to God about the pain and the hurt, I have no memory of it. It's tough to talk to the Real God about tough things. But I'm trying...
Today, I started to talk to the Real God. It was just a few simple words, not a lot of worship, verses or Bible, just me, trying to be unafraid but believing that this is good for me...We'll see.
Have a great day.
Into the future,
davidT
In counseling one of the things we talk about is "What is true" and opening myself up to God, letting him into my junk. The problem is that each time my life coach says that I ask myself, "which God are you talking about?" The nice, good God I'm supposed to believe in or the mean God who left me when I was a young boy.
To me, there are two Gods, the Good God, and the Real God who left me, disappointed me and did not provide me with the guidance I needed when I was 12 years old. Which God do I turn to? Everyone tells me, "the Good God", "God is Good!". The issue is that the Good God is not always good. In fact, I hardly talk to that God because of the baggage we have.
So who is the Real God? Are they the same? I know God has been good to me, he has shown me grace and mercy. But when it's time to talk to God about the pain and the hurt, I have no memory of it. It's tough to talk to the Real God about tough things. But I'm trying...
Today, I started to talk to the Real God. It was just a few simple words, not a lot of worship, verses or Bible, just me, trying to be unafraid but believing that this is good for me...We'll see.
Have a great day.
Into the future,
davidT
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