First Breakthrough from Head to Experience

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Over the last few weeks, I've been blogging through the transition from a full time church job (safety, security) into a life of mission and trust.

Last week I met with my spiritual director and she told me that Giving Up Anxiety for Lent has to go from my Head to Experience. Well it's happening.

Since then I've had 4 Anxiety Killer Experiences that have brought me a sense of stillness. None of these deal with money, a job, insurance or stability, in fact, we continue to have no clue where our income will come from for next month.

But in spite of all that, we feel peace in our lives, like the plane is no longer in a holding pattern, nor is it in the middle of turbulence, but has landed and is resting in the runway awaiting instructions.

1st Anxiety Killer: Basketball and War
My spiritual director had me think of times when I realized I was in God's lap, like a grandchild or a son jumping in his mother's lap and feeling secure.

I thought of two, when I play basketball with our 7 year old son and see that smile on his face he feels safe with me. Second, when I was 10 years old in Nicaragua, during the worst of the war, we had to sleep on the floor due to bullets and heavy fighting at night yet I felt safe. This is the way God cares for me.

2nd Anxiety Killer: Strep Throat
Yesterday I got strep throat, my throat is still killing me as I type this although it's getting better. Being in bed for two straight days, unable to do much (dishes, laundry, make dinner, sleep) helped me realize I can't make anything happen. I can't make a move to CA happen or a sweet job in CO a reality even though I try. Like with strep, there are times that you have to wait things out even if you're in pain.

3rd Anxiety Killer: My Doctor's Office
So while at my doctor's office for strep throat (I hate that long Q-tip they stick in your mouth till you gag) I heard God speak through my doctor. He asked me how our children were doing with our transition. He told me how his parents were missionaries and that even though it was tough to live paycheck to paycheck, he feels the rewards were greater. He learned the value of trusting God, of helping people, of seeing God provide every month. I felt God was telling me that he would do the same for us.

4th Anxiety Killer: King Sooper's, Drums and Costco
Over the last four weeks we've had random emails from people we hardly know saying "we want to help". Some have sent us King Sooper's gift cards, others have said "can you give me voice lessons?" We also sold an old drum set and returned some stuff at Costco which helped us get through last month. All these small gestures and provisions have helped us realize that God is with us.

So we continue on this missional downward move towards faith and Kingdom living. We still don't have many answers, in fact, we have just as many questions as before.

But my commitment to Giving Up Anxiety for Lent is alive and well. These four Anxiety Killers have moved this commitment from my head to my heart. Will I struggle again? Yes, will I be tempted to fear and worry again? Of course. But these experiences remind me that God is with us and that he will provide the peace and serenity we need when we need it most.

What are your hangups to trust? What are you Anxiety Killers?

Thoughts?

I Feel Challenged

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This will be short. I feel challenged. Challenged to shake this dust off of worry and fear and focus on God. Yes, times are tough, insurance will run out, our savings will dwindle, but where is my faith? Climbing the mountain is not easy.

I don't know what this all means, I'm not saying I'm healed of fear and worry (I want to be), but over the last few days, I've been challenged to stop focusing on myself and instead focus on God.

These last four weeks have brought out all my weaknesses. I'm fearful, anxious, I worry too much, I lack faith. God loves me so much He's making me face my weaknesses while lovingly helping me, giving me an amazing wife that supports me and speaks into my life as well as great friends. Wow, I've really struggled, but I want to change.

What did I expect leaving the comfort and security of a full time job to follow Jesus, roses? It has been tough, it might get worst before it gets better, but God is in this thing. He has called us to start a church, to serve our neighbors and the world, to love the poor, to be in relationship with people who need Jesus.

And he's already showing his faithfulness. Just over the last few days we've had gift cards, prayers, visions and dreams, emails, words of encouragement, small contributions that have given me perspective.

God says "If you being evil, give good gifts to your children, how much more will I?
God says "For your Father in heaven knows what you need even before you ask"

Truth be told, I've never had to trust God financially and I'm kicking and screaming trying not to this time. But God is saying "Ok, you don't want to trust me? I'll let you fall flat on your face first" and then he says "now watch what I can do with a heart that is surrendered to me". Watch.

I believe God will take care of our finances, insurance, our children. I believe God will help us build this little community called a Neighbors Abbey. I believe God will provide a community job where I can impact our neighbors.

I believe God will lead us to where he wants us to be. I believe this is preparation (like Paul and Ananias) for our future. I'm convinced that our "poverty" and these 7 lean years are so I can relate to people in need.

When will help come? I have no idea. When will we have what we need? No clue. But we do know a few things:

1. We are called and are to obey God
2. God is faithful
3. It will be hard

The challenge: What will I focus on? My circumstances or Our Great God? Today, I choose God.

Thoughts?

UPDATE: Giving Up Anxiety for Lent "The Real" List

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I'm been giving up Anxiety for Lent (through Easter, Sun. April 24th, 2011). It's made quite an impact on people (probably the anxious ones : ) Someone told me they're giving up beer for Lent, someone else their family. Wow.

Misty Lane

The other day I met with my spiritual director, she told me that surrender has to go from Head to Experience. I think I've Given Up Anxiety for Lent  in my head but not in my experience. She mentioned the spiritual discipline of Examen through Imagination and gave me the image on this post to meditate on.

So I made a list of the "real" things that make me anxious and the motives behind my worries. The goal is to fill those worries with love. As my director said, each concern needs to know the love of God.

For more on 4 Ways to Overcome Fear (including "Having a Good Cry") watch this video.

My list is long, but they fall into three categories and two motives. I worry over:

A. Health
B. Skill and
C. Children

These are often motivated by:
1. Abandonment
2. Doubt

I worry about the health of our children, that if we don't have insurance, they will suffer and die. I worry I'm not skilled enough to get a job, I worry that our children won't be able to enjoy little things like snacks in the cupboards for their lunches or cleats for fútbol.

These fears come from deep within me, growing up with few things, with my lovely grandmother who dealt with high blood pressure her whole life, from growing up without my parents since age 12, from going through so much trauma with immigration, going to college and not having a clue what I was doing, navigating teenage things like girls, school, image, clothes, God, faith mostly on my own.

It's like the picture above, I sometimes doubt that the misty path leads to something good, I'm more prone to believe it will remain misty and in fact, will get worst and remain worst.

I sometimes doubt that "God will take care of me", I fight to believe it, sometimes I do, some times I don't. I'm okay with doubt, but I want to learn to meet God in my doubt.

After this, I took a separate sheet of paper and wrote counter thoughts, the positive attitudes and realities of my life. I hate to call them "truths" because truths change for me, it's the Experience of Truth that actually change me.

Are you an Anxiety Junkie? See the list here.

I wrote down how God has brought me friends the last few months. I wrote how our children would do fine in a smaller house, I did. I thought about a lady who wrote me an email (she hardly knows me) and said she felt like helping us (not sure how). I remembered how a gentleman helped to pay for my father's funeral years ago.

I thought of a friend at yoga who asked me "how are you feeling". So kind. I thought of a couple that continues to say to me "whatever you need, we're here for you." It's true that the world comes around those in need.

Am I healed? No. It's not a healing I seek, it's a companionship. My dream would be that I would realize that God walks with me, that he is with me every day, in my doubt, in my worries, not just in theory but in my Experience.

Some people get frustrated with this. They may say "just trust!", or may want to fix it. You can't. I have to walk this walk with a few close friends and God for the rest of my life, it has to be my own process of falling down and getting up again not because I should but because I can. I will get better, I actually have already, but this will be my lot for the rest of my life. I accept that as a gift not just a curse.

That's the Real Giving Up Anxiety for Lent.

So what is your list?

Look back at the picture above, what does it tell you. If nothing, that's fine, but if it awakens something in you, something deep within your soul, listen to it. In these economic times, everyone has a story to tell.

Some people decide not to worry, they are warriors not worriers. Can you write a list of the real things you need to give up for Lent, and can you write a second list of the real Experiences or Truths where you have not felt alone. I think that would help.

Have a great day.

Into the future,

davidTrig

A Great Time at Family Council

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One of our great family traditions is Family Council, Sundays at five. The idea is to sit together as a family, express our feelings, ask questions, listen to each other and then eat ice cream! It's my wife and I, our three children, no technology, just heart to heart conversation.

Today we talked about the last few weeks, my move out of traditional church (we've talked about this  before), this coming week, spring break and more.

Our 7 year old son speaks well. He uses sentences such as "that's a fabulous idea" (in Spanish and English). Our 9 year old takes care of others (yeap, middle child). She knows every mood, ear motion and eye twitch of her hamster Snowie.

Our 12 year old is a great listener and is very perceptive, today she said "I love recording the Neighbors Abbey podcasts". My wife brings reality to the show, she talks about her exercise plan, about not leaving your clothes in the bathroom, about work. I bring in the rear, moderating and modeling listening, giving everyone a turn to speak and expressing my own feelings "I feel fat, haven't worked out in 2 weeks, you can tell me to not eat cheese cake, ok?" We pray together, we talk about God.

Family Councils are a lost art as families spend less time in front of each other and more time in front of the TV or iPod/iPad/Netflix. I encourage you, if your family is still at home or old enough (tough to do this with babies), sit in a circle, choose a topic and talk.

Whatever it takes, take time to talk, choose a facilitator and ask questions. It'll make for a great day. And make sure you always keep the circle open, you never know who outside of your family may need to be a part of Family Council.

Have a great day.

Into the future,

davidTrig

We Left to Give to Others Not to Be Selfish

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So I'm blogging through the process of leaving a full time job doing church to serve my community, help the poor and help people find God.

The last few weeks have been filled with job applications, resumes, and giving up Anxiety for Lent.  It's also been a time to hear my soul. What is my soul saying?

I've been Regular not Radical.

Even though the last few weeks have been tough, the hardest thing is to realize how unwilling I am to give my self away. I am working day and night trying not to fall off the financial wagon, trying to make sure our family has everything we need. Everything.

I want a job
I want insurance
I want to live where I'm happy
I want to have a nice job
I want to hang out with nice people
I want to be in educated and a professional environments
I want to make money, as much or more than before
I want, I want, I want...wow

We don't need all that. We need less.

We could cancel direcTV completely instead of partially. We could move into a smaller house, rent, we could sell half the clothes we have and give the money to the poor.

Every time someone moves what is it they always say: We have too much junk! I'm gonna get rid of half of it and live with less. Then you start buying more clothes, more coats, more stuff and you're back to where you started.

We left to give to others, not to get another job so we can keep living our regular lives. We left to give to others, to help the poor. But I'm selfish.

The other day, a friend who's volunteering at the local Head Start called me and said "Trig, we could really use your Spanish and mentorship skills here, would you pray and consider volunteering" I immediately thought "volunteer? Hah, I need cash!"

I've been asking a lot of people in high places for recommendations. All of them are more than willing to put in a good word for me. But how am I helping them? How am I serving the poor in spirit in them? Am I asking how they are, what they need? No. I'm more interested in getting the next job so I can keep things as they were and not skip a beat. That's not the ways of the Kingdom of God, that's the path of the American Dream and the path of opportunity.

That's not being Radical, that's being Regular.

My spiritual director told me a few weeks ago "faith is the path of greatest sacrifice and devotion, not of greatest opportunity" I want the greatest opportunity. But I don't.

Outside my office in Old Town, there are two homeless guys Steve and Dan. I've talked to Steve, he needs help.

The children at Head Start need mentors.

The parents at Children's Hospital need a translator.

The principal at our school needs prayer, she deals with a lot.

Two of my neighbors need someone to listen.

Three other families in our neighborhood, need someone to bring them together to celebrate Maria coming home after her house burned down and she lost her husband last April.

A girl l I met today needs a place to belong.

My friends who are young marrieds, need a place to belong.

Sophie needs prayer, she's 7 and has a tumor in her brain. Her parents need love.

The children in the soccer league at our school need mentors.

The coach needs someone to set-up the goals before he can get there.

Today I went and had lunch with our children at school. As I sat there with our 9 year old and then with our 7 year old, I couldn't help but feel compassion for the children watching us eat. I started to talking to them, Omar, Oscar, Ian. Most of these children are on free and reduced lunch programs, most of them take white plastic bags of food home every Friday as they board the school bus. Most of them live under the poverty line, many children of undocumented families who struggle every day, living in crowded apartments or trailerparks. I know many of them by name.

But instead of serving, I'm anxious over getting a job that will make me feel safe and secure. That's not why I left. Sometimes it's hard to change old habits.

What are your old habits that need to die? Where are you being Regular instead of Radical?

We left to give to others not to be selfish. Something needs to change.

Have a great day.

Into the future,

davidTrig

I Love My New Church

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Just got back from a kid party and I loved it. What I loved was talking to the parents, people we've known for three years through school, people with very little pretense. True, we perhaps don't know each other very deeply, but it's much better than soccer team acquaintances at the Y. They are real.

They are nurses and teachers, executive directors, PhD's and UPS workers. They are parents our age done trying to impress each other and now learning to keep our dreams alive as we see our children grow.

As our children danced and ate, laughed and talked, the adults also talked, catching up on life. Many of them asked me with concern and care how my job search is going. Very kind people.

But there's pain all around. A friend told me he had a female friend over for drinks while his wife was away. He said "my wife is always gone, so I thought, why not!" I told him of my love for city development and my desire to be a spiritual guide to people. He seemed very uncomfortable but I'm glad to be in his life as a spiritual person, he needs a true friend.

When we got home, Rachelle said "that was our church tonight." At first I said "the only thing missing was a sacred space", but after thinking of the conversations we had, I realize there was sacred space all around. I love our new church.

Have a great day.

Into the future,

davidTrig

For Lent I'm Giving Up: Anxiety

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YOU CAN ALSO LISTEN TO OUR ASH WEDNESDAY PODCAST AT:
Neighbors Abbey Denver Podcast - Ash Wednesday.

Today is Ash Wednesday and I had another Holy Visitation, the first one is here.  Yesterday I woke up thinking about the hymn "It Is Well With My Soul" and especially Aaron Ivey's version. I've sung that version before and it's always filled me with strength and perspective.

Imposition of Ashes on Ash Wednesday

As you may know, I left the traditional church 10 days ago to pursue my dream to start a Neighbors Abbey and do city development. The process has not been easy and last week I experienced one of my worst panic attacks in years.

But today I woke up with a focus on surrendering Anxiety for Lent. It was a Holy Visitation.

Lent starts today Ash Wednesday when people  traditional give up something and take the "Imposition of Ashes" as a symbol of mourning and repentance to God.

As I listened to "It Is Well" and as I spoke to my wife about it, I felt God saying "This man lost his four daughters and near his wife in a tragic boat accident, returned to the scene of the crime and wrote 'It is well with my soul'", can you do the same?

So today, Ash Wednesday and for the next 40 days, I am giving up Anxiety.

I am giving up stressing over a job, unless it comes to me.
I am giving up worrying every day about money, about my future, about what I will do with my life as an almost 42 year old switching gears mid stream.
I am giving up tirelessly trying to make things happen.

Instead I will focus on the beauty of this Sabbatical, and focus on life giving things:

1. Neighbors Abbey podcasts
2. My Music
3. Exercise, yoga and eating healthy
4. Prayer and meditation, contemplation and retreat
5. Doing laundry, going grocery shopping and taking our children to the doctor

I know I will be tested, I already feel the impulse to get on the phone, email, make sure I'm out there pursuing things, but I'm resisting and instead focusing on things above.

The way I see it, this 40-day Lenten season is a Sabbatical of sorts, a time to regroup, to recalibrate my soul. After all, the charge before me is huge and there will be plenty of time in the future to worry about them.

There are so many things ahead of us, many questions still unanswered. But for the next 40 days, through Easter Sunday, April 24th, 2011 and the Resurrection of King Jesus, I will give up Anxiety and  store up treasures that last.

Have a great day.

Into the future,

davidTrig

Wild Swings

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Panic Attack Support

Well, the last two weeks I've experienced some wild mood swings from times of amazing joy and opportunity to some real lows.

It all hit me last night as I had one of my worst (if not the worst) panic attacks in a long time.

Btw, did you know that people who suffer panic attacks are usually people with high IQ's (I knew I was smart!) : )

The loss of my job has been a huge stress and I've managed it by over doing, over thinking, over analyzing, analysis-paralysis. This creates a methodical and unassertive response which loops itself into more 'what-ifs' and analysis. What I need is action.

So over the weekend my wife and I continued, as I joke with her, my "salvation process". In fact I would say we've made some final decisions. Our white board now says "Get Moving!" followed by a big green arrow.

We'll talk more about these decisions in the days and weeks to come. But in some ways, even though last night's panic attack was not fun, it was necessary.

Have a great day.

Into the future,

davidTrig

Why Futbol at Foster Tugs at My Heart

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Last year, I helped direct Fútbol at Foster, an 8-week soccer league for 4th grade mostly Latino boys and girls (about 20 of them) at EL Foster Elementary School in Arvada, CO (more here).

Today at school, as it happens almost every week, a boy asked me "when does the soccer league start again?" I'm not sure I can help this year as I've got to find a job and figure out life.

I read on a blog on urban development that the worst thing leaders and directors do is start things and then leave. The youth and children are the ones that usually suffer. I can see that happening with Fútbol at Foster.

I didn't grow up playing soccer, I'm not a soccer coach, I don't really know much about the sport except as a fan. But when I was 9 years old, a coach gave me a chance to be a part of his team for one afternoon and kick a soccer ball into the goal during one of his practices. I felt so special. This is how these children must feel.

I know that if I help with Fútbol at Foster, it will be a huge success. All the parts are in place and the excitement is high, in fact, it will probably be better, more teams, more games, a greater impact.

Even though I don't know what I will do this Spring, or if I will direct the soccer league, I can tell you that Fútbol at Foster is tugging at my heart strings. In fact, it makes me cry every time I think about it. We'll see what happens.

Have a great day.

Into the future,

davidTrig

Jelly Beans for Everyone

Welcome back. You belong here.

I'm blogging through the transition from institutional church to a hybrid model of community impact and spiritual formation - a Neighbors Abbey.

I look forward to the day when we begin to gather with people at our home and worship together while being on mission with God. The other day, we were talking about this as a family, and our 9-year old said "we can give out jelly beans".

I think our tag line will be "Neighbors Abbey - Jelly Beans for Everyone". Everyone likes jelly beans.

Have a great day.

Into the future,

davidTrig