La Cocina

cocina.JPG
Originally uploaded by dtrigueros.

This is one my favorite pictures I have of my grandmother because I saw this every day in real life. Part of her routine was to put away the dishes each morning. It was her 'trabajo (job)' she said.

Tonight - Levels are Lower

Tonight, her sedation levels are down from 32 to 24. Tomorrow morning, they will do another test. Leslie, the head nurse said she expects the numbers to be low enough tomorrow morning to take off the ventilator and see how she responds.

Tonight, the family went out to dinner and had a pleasant time talking about gramma, spending time together. It was fun.

Have a great New Year's Eve and New Year's Day. God is our strength and our joy.

Kidneys are Working

I spoke to the nurse Leslie this morning, she's the head nurse. She said gramma is urinating and her kidneys are working. I asked her if perhaps her kidneys were failing, but she said they're fine. She said they performed another test this morning to see where her sedation levels are at. We'll know more later.

Today also marks the 4th year anniversary of my dad's death. He died to be with Jesus, Dec. 31st, 2000. Today is an amazing day, thinking of him, my mom (her husband) also thinking of him, gramma's condition and also, one wonderful thing, my sister is due with their second Jan. 9th.

What a journey. I wrote a song 4 years ago in response to my dad's death and how God is near to the brokenhearted:

"You Walk Besides Me, your presence is my strength and so I can say that/You walk besides me, your love has broken through."

Gramma Has Been at the Center

We're home this morning, resting. We slept well last night. God's grace. No medical updates as of now.

This morning, I realized how my grandmother has been the center of my cultural and Spanish soul. Here at home, I speak Spanish all the time, to our children, to myself, to the walls. I do this because it's my soul speaking. I also do this because I knew my grandmother was near, hearing me, laughing at my jokes, my thoughts...."Que niños tan lindos! Te quiero desde que saliste de ese lugar tan oscuro! Te veo mas bello hoy que nunca...." "You children are so beautiful, I've loved you since the day you were born, you look more beautiful to me now than ever..." Stuff like that.

She would always listen in, laughing at me, understanding me, getting it.

I am missing that today.

Meds Still in Her

Tonight, the sedation in her body is still not leaving her. They want to bring her sedation levels down to 10 or 15. They're at 30. It seems her body is not processing the meds out. Her liver/kidneys may be bad. They've been okay so far. So they're not taking the ventilator off tonight. Tomorrow, we will talk to Dr. Chappel (her main surgeon), about what this means.

We are talking about services, moving her possibly to Nicaragua for burial, etc. All the hard stuff....wow, I'm weary. I can't imagine I'm here, but God is with me. I feel his strength through all your prayers. Thank you.

Our family is helping with the details, finances, processing. Elaine, a friend of the family who is a national award winning hospice nurse, has been amazing with her advice on the process of dying and the medical system. It's so painful to write about this. I'm so tired.

Pray for a miracle, pray the medication goes out of her, pray for God's will. Pray for my mom, she's weary tonight.

Who is My Grandmother to Me

Grandmothers are always special. To me, abuelita is like my mom and dad. She has raised me basically from 13 on. When the Sandinista war forced my parents to send me to Long Beach at age 13, I came to live with my grandmother. Since then, we've lived together. First, I lived in her 1-bedroom apartment at 843 Raymond Ave in Long Beach, CA 90804, 562-439-8724, for 10 years until I married. Prior to that, I came twice to visit when I was 9 and later about 11. During those times, she used to walk to me to elementary school, go clean 2-3 houses to support us and come by in the afternoon and pick me up from Willard Elementary on Freeman Ave. in LB.

Then Rachelle and I got married and my grandmother lived with her son for two-three years. Then about 6 years ago, she moved into our home and we were together again.

In those last 6 years she helped us shape and raise our three children. About a month ago I asked her, "abuelita, y yo como soy, soy un buen hombre?" (gramma, what about me, am I a good man?)...She said, "sos un buen hombre, y un buen marido, y buen padre....pero mucho gritas..." She said, "you're a good man, and a good husband and father...but you talk too much." I have felt the love of those words. They have meant a lot to me. Sometime this year I also asked her if she felt I loved her and she told me, 'yo se que me queres...' "I know you love me."

I think we all love someone(s) desperately. That sense of overwhelming, almost painful love that we have for a special few. It includes the sharing of life, time together, who knows what all. For me, my grandmother is one of those people. I love her that way.

Update: Last night, we just had to go be with her. She was alone at the hospital, so my mom, Rachelle and I drove to UCI Medical Center where she is and spent the night with her. She is not showing signs of waking up. Sometime today, we will decide when to take the next step which would include life support.

I am praying for miracles. But I have surrendered her life to Jesus. She is His, her faith in Jesus Christ was real and she will be with Him. God knows the number of her days. We are trusting Him.

Wed Night

We left tonight and my gramma has not responded since we took her off the sedation. It's been over 24hrs and they want to give her 48hrs which would be around 6pm tomorrow night. If nothing changes, they would take her off the ventilator for 5mns to see if she breathes on her own. If she does, she keeps fighting. If not, that could be the end.

We're praying for a miracle. Trusting God for with her life.

abuelita Amanda

This is the last picture we took of gramma in our backyard Monday, Dec. 20th. We were planting seeds. Here she is working on the yard. All of us were around her, helping, her three great-grandkids steps away with their brooms. It was a fun day.

We are still waiting to see if she comes out her 'induced' comma (sedation).

Wed Update

Today, wed. we talked to the nurse. Last night, we asked to have her off the sedationn medication to see if she comes out of the induced comma. So far, nothing. It's been more than 12 hours and the tests show no signs of brain activity at this time. That's not a positive sign, there should be something by now. Usually we should see something in 6-8hours. She's still on the ventilator, on heart and blood pressure medication. We now decide that if her brain doesn't show any signs, we may take her off the heart medication as the next 'weaning' step. We have met as a family, lots was shared, lots of tears, deciding what SHE would want. And we agreed, with advice from a nurse friend and doctor friend, to go slow. Taking her off the ventilator would be the next thing, which would then be pretty final. This process could take 30mns or days. Today, we will meet again as a family, and then with the doctors to walk this through together. We are also talking about the post details of burial, etc. We're asking if she would want to go home to Nicaragua, if that would be too expensive/feasible, etc.

Gramma Not Doing Well

The right side of her brain is completely dead. Her life after would be limited and most likely with a breathing and feeding machine. We will decide tomorrow what/when to allow her to...

The question they ask us is, 'what kind of life would she want to have?', 'what have you heard her say?'

She would not want to live that kind of life.

Thank you for praying.

Pray for gramma, for strength for us, for my mom who flies in tonight at midnight, for Rachelle, our children who ask us lots of questions that we're doing our best to answer, for the whole process and upcoming decisions.

Update: Gramma's Condition

Thank you for praying.

Last night, she had a 12 hour two part surgery to remove the anurism. The first part was an attempt which failed. It was trying to get to the anurism through her arteries. They got there, were almost done closing off the inflamation when the right side of her brain shut down. They had to do a second emergency surgery, opening up the right side of her skull to clamp the anurism, remove the 'coils' that had fallen into the arteries of the right side of her brain and try to get the blood flowing again.

She may have some effects from this loss of blood. Her left side could be affected to some degree. Now, she's in recovery from this major procedure. But she made it through and we're so glad! She almost didn't make it through the first surgery. Last night, after the failed first procedure, it looked grim.

She's still in critical but stable condition. Right now, her blood pressure is low which is not a good thing, but it is going up. The pressure in her brain is normal which is very important. Please pray for her bp to go up to 160 and her brain not to swell. She's under general aneasthetic for another day or two to allow the brain to 'sleep' so that it doesn't have to work much therefore reducing the pressure in the brain.

Amazing. I still feel this is all a nightmare. I'm grateful for so many little/huge things. Naps, my family taking care of the children, Tom bringing us lunch as we speak, my wife driving to the hospital last night around midnight when it all looked gray.

I'm trusting God. He walks besides gramma and besides me.

Thank you for praying.

My Gramma is Having Brain Surgery Tonight

An anurism in her head burst, she's having surgery tonight. It's a big deal. Please pray for her and the family. I am trusting God for her future. This is hard for me. She's like my mom and dad in one. I am praying for a full recovery.

Thank you.

Christmas is Merry in the Small Things.

Just today on the freeway, two cars were racing, chasing each other, seemingly mad:

Christmas is in the small things.

This morning, I dropped off a donation for needy children in downtown Long Beach:

Christmas is in the small things.

How will I bless our worship band:

Went and got Starbuck and Baskin Robbin gift cards for them.

Scare With Squats

I was doing heavy squats earlier today and for a second I let go of my grip of the bar with my left hand and I almost lost control of the bar atop my shoulders. I didn't know what to do. Drop it....hmmm, the weights might fall on the back of my legs. Tilt to one side or the other...I had too much weight on either side, my back would take most of the hit.....better think quick....I could feel all my senses and nerve endings totally awake! My shoulder muscles tightened up, making the bar feel even heavier on my shoulders...I probably had about 200lbs on my back. Finally, got my hands underneath the bar again, controlled it, balanced it, backed up into the squat rack....I was okay.

I walked around for 10mns. just relaxing. It freaked me out. That's how you learn good form and safety. That won't happen again.

My Christmas Gift

I'm about to go pick this up. Time to upgrade. Pretty fun.