"and forget not all His benefits..." Psalm 103:1,2
It's easy to forget the benefits in the middle of the pain. It's easy for me, how about you? But I'm training my mind to remember. I've felt the hand of the Lord upon my soul bringing me hope, when my father died 4 years ago, when my grandmother had her knee surgery a year ago. Jesus has touched me, His Spirit has granted me peace when worrying about having three children and how that would work, having two children, having our first. I've been overwhelmed by the scent of the perfume of my God's presence in worship, reading a verse, preaching in Resonate, leading worship. I have felt the gladness of a good friend, of laughing out loud, of God using me to make others laugh, dream, feel, move, act.
I have no excuse to forget. I have seen this movie many times before, I've been here before, I have first hand, physical and memory and emotional memory of this place. The Goodness of God is Real. When I was 12 and came to this country to stay, the war in Nicaragua, my parents left behind, my loving grandmother, abuelita Amanda with her arms and heart and hands open wide. I have tasted the goodness of the Lord. Oh yes, rocky road, I know what that taste like.....yummmm! That's the goodness of the Lord, it is good.
Yet I forget the goodness of the Lord, how about you? "forget not His benefits..." No wonder that's ringing true for me right now. Ever forget the goodness of the Lord in the middle of a tough day, bad traffic, unpaid bills, debt, taxes, and the daily treadmill that never seems to stop? Yeah, me too. That's just my list, I wonder what your list is like.
I took 5 pink Post-its, the big kind and put them on the wall of my work bench in the garage. Next to my weights and my pictures of Arnold and my bodybuilding heroes. On the 5 pink notes I wrote the significant events of my life in the last few years. And underneath each note, I wrote, "God's Faithfulness." "forget not His benefits...."
It's easy to remember the Challenges, the tough work is to remember the Goodness of the Lord, the Forget Me Not amidst the pain. This is my attempt to seek after God in the middle of these challenging times:
2003 - The birth of David Dennis, our third. Wow, that was amazing, hard, great, beautiful. He's our boy, our son, my love and hope.
Forget Not - Our son is amazing, a joy, big, healthy, my gramma got to teach me to give high 5, rock him, hold him. Her 11th or so great grandchild. What a gift.
2004 - Abuelita's Knee Surgery. 20 years in the making, she didn't want to do it. She was afraid of 'dying'. Amazing, so was I. But she did it, my mom came from Nicaragua to be with her for 3 months, taking time off of work as a school principal in Nicaragua to be with her mother. Wow, I remember the feeling of sacrificial love shown as my mom spent every day tending to the needs of an elderly woman on a walker, with a torn up knee.
Forget not - Gramma got through the surgery. My mom was priceless. By the 3rd, 4th month, abuelita was walking better than ever, and had already scheduled to do her other knee (on her own this time), in Feb. of this year. She didn't get to do that, but now she was a whole new body.
2004 - Major Home Remodel, Added a Second Story, Family Room. The expense, oh, the expense! The 40+ workers, city inspectors, contractors, non-contractors, guys off the street, worker passed out drunk in our back yard, the order forms, the arguments over work orders, change orders, cost, tile, paint. Wow, that was tough.
Forget not - A donor that helped us finish the project. The house is great, the children run around freely. We have a nice house we enjoy living in. The work is done (well, sort of, but we all know how that goes). The grass is green in the backyard once again, a year later, but it's behind us now, and God gave us strenght.
2005 - Abuelita dies, Jan 3rd, 2005, in the hospital, Dec. 24th, 2004 with a burst brain anyurism. My worse nightware, the worse day of my life, the toughest 2 weeks and counting of my life. Yeah. She had lived in our home for the last 6 years of her life. She raised me since age 12, but really since birth, helping my mom raise her first born, the first grandson, the first son, all that stuff. Culture, Nicaragua, food, the dishes, Rachelle's friend, my support, my Spanish, my language, my love, mi amor. She was more than that. She was healthy, strong, working, caring, cleaning, helping. We were there for her every day, Rite Aid, Big Lots, doctors appointments, the whole thing. Now, she's gone. The grief work continues, it's been 3 months, we're just getting started.
Forget not - Tough to see right now but I'm trusting God. This is very much still in its very early stages. Ask me in a year or two. I think you'd understand. But little things, like talking to my mom on the phone more. Better communication with my aunts and uncles, counseling Athena my cousin, a jr. at Wilson High School on grades, tardiness and boys. Little things gramma used to do, I get to do them now. The greater challenge at home, in our routine with chores, food, child care, we do 100% more now. Yet Rachelle and I are coming together at a deeper level of help, service and grieving and feeling together.
2005 - Isabela's Ear Infections and Trouble Hearing, On-going Treatment. All of us parents know ear infections. For her it's been 4 in three months, TV gets louder, she asks "what?" a lot. The Ear and Throat guy said she's got fluid in both ears, it's not draining, possibly anoid removal surgery on a 3 year old. Not my idea of relaxation amidst gramma's loss. So we're trying to lactose-free cheese, milk, the anti-biotics (again), the air purifier, looking for signs of hearing improvement. The doctor said her hearing loss is mild. Yeah, to me nothing is ever mild. But we're working the program. I stress over this a lot. We'll get some x-rays this week, the doctor told us it's 1 week recovery for her surgery, they go in through the mouth, doctors do 15 in half a day. No problem right? There are worse things right? Yes, but this is our situation and our child and you know how that feels when it's your own children. And so I'm being tested to trust again in issues of health, medicine and not being able to do much about it.
Forget Not - I feel God's strength. GOD: "David, let her go, she's in my hands, it'll be okay no matter what. There are solutions to this, and above all things, I'm with you, she's my daughter first, I'll give you the strength to do what you have to do, the tests, the treatment, the enduring of this stress amidst the other things in your life. I'm with you, don't freak, don't over do it, trust me, have I not shown you my goodness before?"
ME: Yes Lord you have, help my unbelief. But I trust in you Lord, "and my heart has turned to you" as my song says. Please pray for Isabela, our blue eyed, black hair, beautiful, tender hearted little girl.
Thanks for being here.
UPDATE: My birthday is Monday. My mom just sent me a shirt all the way from Nicaragua through the mail. She probably had to send it 2 weeks ago to get here before Monday. With tears rolling down, I'm reading her card, in Spanish. It starts with, "Hijo...." And it goes down hill, in a good way, from there...I am telling you, God is Good.
