It's only been 9-10 weeks since the death of the most influential person in my life, my grandmother Amanda Morales, 78 who died Jan. 3rd, 2005. She lived in our home, helped raise our three children, was my wife's mentor and friend and companion, and my wisdom, advice, cultural connection. She was my "gallopinto, nacatamales, queso frito and pinolillo", (all Nicaraguan foods).
Mondays are tough. It's my day off, I'm home and I cry often, like just a few minutes ago (therefore the post). Fridays are also hard. They say in grief recovery - Time and Space. I'm not afraid of the time, the silence or the memories. I don't try to forget the pain, or work, work, work and stay busy. It's okay to cry. On the other hand, I don't sit around in her empty room, waiting to fall appart, I keep moving on, trusting God, praising Jesus when I'm laughing and when I'm grieving, in every season of my soul. Plus, we have three small children, so life goes on.
"Be Patient With Me, I'm A Grieving Person," says the button I got from my grief support group when my father died four years ago. I remind myself of that often, "David, be patient with yourself, you're grieving."
How does this currently affect me? Oversensitive, over-emotional. An artist like me doesn't need more emotions, I need less. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad I am who I am, but at times like these I pray for:
1. Restraint
2. Focus
3. Trust, trust, trust
4. Obedience
5. Talk less
6. Speak up when needed
And don't 'leak' in an uncontrolled, unplanned, unaccountable way. Especially when I'm speaking (125, 1x/month) or leading worship in front of 800-900 people every week. That's not the place. There's good in being honest and real, but there's also an accountability to give hope in the middle of my pain, and bottom line, sometimes it's good to just shut up and listen.
Our 3.5 year old has an ear infection, she's better. We're going to check her hearing, we want to make sure everything is normal, sometimes she turns things loud and we wonder....hmmm. Normal stuff, right? But right now, I overfeel everything. Worrying, overcaring, overprotecting, not trusting God. So last night at Resonate I asked my close friends to pray that I would trust God. Then a friend sent me a song he's doing next week. It's been on my mind all day. Please pray this for me and anyone else who is seeking to know why we should trust God:
"Those who trust in the Lord...are a strong mountain
Am7 B7 Em7
They will not...not be moved
(2x)
VERSE 2:
Em7 B7
Those who trust in the Lord...are as Mount Zion
Am7 B7 Em7
They will not...not be moved
(2x)
VERSE 3:
Em7 B7
Christ the King, He sets my feet...on a firm foundation
Am7 B7 Em7
That will not...not be moved
(2x)
CHORUS:
C B7
Though the world moves like mad
Em7
You, Oh Lord, are faithful (You alone are faithful)
D2/F# G C B7
Jesus, you, you will not...not be changed
I want to be a strong mountain, to not be moved. Not that I don't feel, or acknowledge pain, but that when pain comes, when silence falls, I will run to God and trust in Him.
