Heart of the Artist Getaway

This coming weekend we are putting on the "Heart of the Artist" retreat at Pine Summit, in Big Bear. We're breaking into small groups and going through the book by the same name, "Heart of the Artist". The themes include: 1. Servanthood versus Stardom 2. Jealousy and Envy 3. Perfectionism versus Excellence 4. Proven Character and others.

We're also getting everyone into groups to artistically express four verses fromn Scripture through mediums (paint, voice, songwriting and acting) and at the end presenting them to the rest of the group. We have about 35 going. Not bad for a bunch of creative types.

The goal is Artist Transformation.

I also interviewed to day with the missions council to go to Russia this summer.

Tomorrow I'm looking forward to doing normal things, mowing the lawn, working out and spending time with my wife and children. Today was a tough day, but God held me through it. Lots of prayers going around. Grieving is tiring. My mom is also supposed to call tomorrow. I'm looking forward to that.

Jesus Wept

Trying to find comfort in this place of sadness, Truth, friends, loss and love. This is about Love not Death. Death just makes Love raw, but this is the same kind of Love I had for Amanda Morales, mi abuelita while she was here.

When Jesus cried over his friend Lazarus, I notice so many things that bring me comfort and guidance:
1. Jesus wept, it's human to cry over one who dies, he was deeply moved in spirit and troubled. Sounds familiar.
2. Jesus loved, this is why he cried the loss of his friend. I loved my viejita.
3. Jesus had a friend in Lazarus. My gramma was my friend.
4. People will respond differently - some questioned him, some understood him. I can relate.

32When Mary reached the place where Jesus was and saw him, she fell at his feet and said, “Lord, if you had been here, my brother would not have died.”

33When Jesus saw her weeping, and the Jews who had come along with her also weeping, he was deeply moved in spirit and troubled. 34“Where have you laid him?” he asked.

“Come and see, Lord,” they replied.

35Jesus wept.

36Then the Jews said, “See how he loved him!”

37But some of them said, “Could not he who opened the eyes of the blind man have kept this man from dying?”

What Can I Tell You?

Some of you may be 'done' with my whole grieving thing. I'm sorry. This is my life right now. I will get through this, I did with my dad, but right now this is where I'm at.

What can I tell you about this? I cry often, then I'm fine. Today while I swept the floor I kept saying to her (oh yes, I talk to her a lot, different than with my dad), "why did you leave me? why did you leave me?" Doing the dishes and the floors all remind me of her, it's stuff she did.

What else? I keep her room light on. It soothes me. I miss her smell in the bathroom, I miss her TV and laugther, I miss seeing her in her room. This stuff is just raw. I'm fine. It just hits me hard. Do I smile? Do I remember her gladly? Am I thankful for all the great memories I have of her? Am I looking forward to seeing her in Heaven? Does that help? Some, but not always. Eventually, it will get better. Things will get easier. I know that.

Latino Boys, War and Their Abuelitas that Raised Them

I need to write about this. It's such a wonderful connection I had with my grandmother that was shaped by the war in Nicaragua, culture, family, coming here at age 12, and being raised by my loving gramma.

Lots there.

Rough Day

Yesterday was just rough. Lots of tears. Good, necessary, painful. God is near. Thank you for your ongoing prayers.

The Grieving Process Today-Monday

The grieving process for my grandmother is ongoing. It doesn't just go away, or get better quickly. The peak of this first grieving/raw stage is at weeks 6-8, so this will get harder before it gets easier. This is related to a relationship with a person I loved, that I horribly miss.

And everything comes to mind during this grieving process. All of these feelings have more technical terms in my "grief handbook", but they look like this:

1. This is hard to accept. It's not easy to accept this even happened. Where did she go? She was just here a few weeks ago.
2. The doctors screwed up. I sometimes think of how the odds were 5% that this would happen during the surgery to clamp the anyurysm. But it happened to her.
3. It happened so suddenly, she was not planning on this. No one plans on dying, and she certainly wasn't sick, or dying. In fact, she was better than ever. That makes me sad.
4. I'm sad. I cry often, then the joy comes. Some people worry, they think I'm in this sad place all the time. I am grieving normally. In the grief handbook it talks about Don'ts such as "he's beeing so strong". Grief work will wait for you.
5. My wife is grieving too. This is her first grieving experience. It's hit her hard, like her own because gramma, because Amanda (abuelita) lived here in our home and shared life with Rachelle.
6. I'm doing better than with my dad four years ago. Really. That was tough. This time I'm trying not to become superman and do more. I'm also in relationship with more friends sooner. With my dad, it took panick attacks for me to reach out to people. This time, I don't have my gramma to talk to, but I have friends at church, the staff, friends from my chilhood, my father in law, and others. I may at some point call my grief counselor Sue just to talk.
7. This is a royal pain.
8. Where's God? I know all of my Christian friends out there have their verses ready to 'fix' this, or give hope, etc. Yes. I know the verses too and they do give me hope. And I don't mind getting the verses. Sometimes I get the odd remark from those who don't know what to say and so they turn "christiney" on you. I understand. The verses do help, just not in the way you think. They don't take away the pain, they don't make this stop. And I'm not unspiritual or a weak believer for grieving. We do grieve differently because we have hope, and I know I will see my grandmother in streets of gold. It's just that right now I'd rather see her on the streets of Roswell, where we live.

With that said....please pray Psalm 30 over me and others who grieve:

Psalm 30:
4 Sing to the LORD , you saints of his;

praise his holy name.

5 For his anger lasts only a moment,

but his favor lasts a lifetime;

weeping may remain for a night,

but rejoicing comes in the morning.

Another Day

Just another day. Today, I read through the "Grief Handbook" from New Hope grief counseling ministry. I went through this material with Sue Beeney from Grace Long Beach four years ago when my father died. Great stuff.

It reminds me of the tough road that lies ahead. The handbook reminded me that it's usually at weeks 6-8 where reality sets in. It also reminds me that we will survive this. We will get through this.

Not Much to Say

Normal things in life. Not much to say. Missing you all. Drop by sometime and say hello.

My Sister's Wisdom Fills my Soul

Spoken like a woman filled with the Spirit and wisdom. Pain, life gives her such knowledge. This fills my soul. It's exactly how I feel:

"I know, and I`ll keep praying for you, I love you, I remember the feeling of loosing the center of your own life... it hurts so bad, you feel so little and alone and everywhere you look there`s a memory of that person, even in the air, when you smile, when you cry, in a song, in a movie. Amanda and I still cry over the song"Jehova Señor de los cielos" from Fernando Ortega remembering one x-mas when dad first heard that song he said: "Wow what an awesome song it is beautiful..." and him laying on our sofa singing it and enjoying it!

Harder days are still to come but have faith He who knows every emotion will be your strenght and He will confort you... I love you!

Marcia"

My Next Assignment

Part of me says, you don't need a next assignment, do what you're doing and do it faithfully unto God. But I like to think about the future, so...

As I ponder on my grandmother's life, my assignment since I came to live with my gramma, was to take care of her. I did that to the best my heart and soul could do. I was there with her, until the very end.

I feel God has been revealing, actually more like opening the door to things he has already called me to:
1. Love and Serve my wife more
2. Do ministry together with people and spend more time with them in community

I can't describe the 'difference' this will actually be. Is it more BBQ's and retreats? Yes, part of it. But it's deeper. It's giving myself to people. The last six years I've focused on helping raise our three children, caring for gramma, helping her through major knee surgery, and doing a remodel. All while being faithful to my call to serve in the Kingdom at Bethany.

But this is a new phase of service. It's not all doing, but it does include that, especially as our children get older and Rachelle is giving me the green light saying, 'we're good, keep going...' It's very important for me to hear and feel that from her.

So today's BBQ was fun because of this. Carlos, Milton, his mom, Juice, Lucy, Larry, Lucy, Dad Baker, Mom Baker, uncle Albino, on the phone with Justin and Phil, my mom and my family all were here today. And you know what? I did well. I enjoyed it. I didn't think (well, maybe once), oh no more people! Not that I don't need time alone, or I'm suddenly becoming an extrovert, I'm not. But, it's a heart thing, a Spirit of God thing, a door that's being opened and I'm not having to DO it, God is flowing through this thing and His love is at work. Praise be to Him.

I also served my wife today, just stuff around the house.

I also know I'm not superman. I had my moment around 6:30pm when I got fed up and said a few things under my breath. That's okay. But God held me in, he was here today with me. Oh yes, and I got on the treadmill, that was fun.

The verse that I'm trying to live out is 1 Peter 1:
22Now that you have purified yourselves by obeying the truth so that you have sincere love for your brothers, love one another deeply, from the heart.

I need more MLK in my diet

Today, we had a family, friends BBQ. During the prayer, I thanked God for Martin Luther King's dream, his faith in Jesus Christ and his example.

But still, I'm too far removed from his life and vision. I need more Martin Luther King in my life.

Back to My Church Home Tomorrow

I lead worship tomorrow for the first time since the night my grandmother had her surgery. Wow. I am actually looking forward to it.

I am thinking through the words I want to say to the community from up front. Brief, focused on God, acknowledging the loss I feel, thanking them for their love, and back to the greatness and goodness of God.

My Wife's Birthday

Tomorrow is Rachelle's birthday. I got her a nice birthday card, chocolate cake and cookie dough ice cream, red star ear rings, a gift certificate to her favorite hair salon (at her request), fresh yellow and pink flowers from the girls, fun red and pink balloons and a single red rose.

Amidst the loss of my grandmother, this weekend we celebrate my wife. Happy Birthday my wife.

Yesterday was Just Tough

It was just a rough day for me. God is near. "Deliver me, from all of the sadness....Deliver me" Song by David Crowder.

Psalm 22:2 O my God, I cry out by day, but you do not answer,
by night, and am not silent.
3 Yet you are enthroned as the Holy One;
you are the praise of Israel."

Thank you for praying. I'll be okay. God is near.

It's Going to Get Darker then the Light Will Come

The emptiness and silence will get louder. Once my mom leaves, things will get darker. Right now, she's here with us, sort of taking the place of my grandmother. She leaves next Wednesday. Then the hard work begins. It will get darker before it gets brighter. That's how grief works.

Tomorrow night is band rehearsal. I am looking forward to being with my friends. I don't know how long my energy will last, but I will give it a shot.

This time I'm going to go slow. After my father died in 2000, I became super man. I was superhusband, superdad, superpastor, supermusician, superson, superman. I did everything twice as fast, better, bigger, badder. Church, home, health, vision, goals, books I read, teaching, the whole bit. I did grief work, grief small groups, counseling, therapy, everything imaginable. Then, after 6 months I crashed and burned, I experienced my first of many panick attacks. I went on Paxil, an anti-depressant for over a year and finally after a lot of grief work and slowing down, I got through that dark time. I did most things alone, with few people near me, just being superman.

Why did I do that? In part I wanted to get through it all. Second, I wanted to be my dad. To be his image, to become all he was. That's not a bad thing, except that you can't become anything on your own strength. It will catch up to you. It did me in.

This time, I'm going one day at a time.

There is no superman.

Somone Turned the Music Off

How does this feel? This loss of my grandmother. It feels like the music that has been playing is off. Hey, who turned off the music?

It feels like a living being who walked among us is now gone. Like only her ghost is now around, yet not around. A living person, a woman full of life, walking around the kitchen, in her room, living room, is missing. Like a missing person. Hey, where did she go?

The noise of her being gone is deafening, and it's getting louder. Lord, help me.

Do I want to be left alone? Not really. With my dad I did, I normally process things alone. I write songs alone, read verses alone, etc. But this time, like a proud parent, God is watching me do this in relationship with my mom, my wife, our sister in law, her parents, my church staff, Sandi our neighbor, Keith, Greg, Ron, Laura, Matt, Dave, Chris, Brian, so many more. I need you my friends and loved ones. Don't stay away. I will need time ALONE. I will take that time to be alone. But only for a moment. Much of what I feel is physically tired, I didn't sleep well last night or the night before. I have been though. I get emotionally tired of being 'in the real world.' I'm not isolating though. Except for a few moments here and there. Give me that space, yet I want to be around you. Both are true.

I feel God's grace this time in a fresh way. This time as compared to when my father died four years ago. The difference, letting go. God had brought me to this place of my grandmother's death about 2 years ago. It's weird, but I was ready. Yet I was so NOT ready. You know what I mean? I'm doing much better than I would have done, had I not gone through my father's death, the grief support group, Sue Beeney my counselor. About a year ago I began to realize grandmother was loved by many more than just me. I saw this at Don's funeral in San Francisco. My grandmother was loved, cared on and off cars, just like I did for years. But now, her other relatives, her children, were doing the same. My uncle would take her to Big Lots and Sears, not just me. Rachelle would call SSI and Dr. Arguedas, not just me. I still carried much of the responsibility. That was my job, my role, my desire. But others began to do that also. Mina, my aunt from up north, kept saying to me just last week, 'you're not alone, you can't carry this alone, you're not the only one carrying this, we need to help you.' And everyone did.

I grew up worrying about gramma. Someday, I will write about Latino boys and their gramma's that raised them. That's a whole other book that needs to be written.

I remember when I was 12-13, gramma would wake up around 2-3 am with high blood pressure, her nose would bleed, she would try to be quiet in the living room where she slept, but I was awake. Like God woke me up. I would wait until she was back in bed, other times she would go to her sewing machine and turn the sewing machine light one, a very dim yet telling light for me - she wasn't feeling very well. I would stay up for hours, waiting. Then I would go to her bedside, and hug her, pray with her, sometimes sleep next to her. I've done that my whole life, just in different ways. It was a tight yet loving cord around my throat. I loved it, yet it felt alone. Then, I woke up. Others loved her, again I've already said that, I wasn't alone.

I'm missing my grandmother today. I feel tired. I have faith in Jesus, she's with Him in heaven, don't think that's tired hope, or made up stories, it's as rational as day. I believe it, it's my hope and strength.

Life continues. Ron's grandmother's funeral is today, Jeff our funeral director and friend is in the hospital today. Kristy's grandfather died, his funeral is tomorrow. Life, pain, continues. My neighbor's car broke down this morning and was being towed.

Joys? To be here with my family, with Rachelle, our children, my mom. She's here until next week. My sister is having a baby any day, her name will be Andrea Lynette. I don't feel happy today. But I have hope to know that I'm not holding on to both ends of the stick. Gramma's life was held by her Savior, her family and yes me. I was glad to do that for my 35 years of life. I feel I came to the States with that assignment, to take care of gramma. Now, my assignment is to live, love my wife even more deeply, to live for our children, this ministry and Church, and most of all to know my King Jesus more deeply.

Serving My Wife

Today, I spoke to Irene and she said something that is very true. She said that in the same way that I took care of gramma for so long and now that I am free to do something else, that now I need to take care of Rachelle.

My mom also has said similar things. Saying that I have Rachelle, and so my mom doesn't have much reason to come back to the States. Of course, that makes me sad, because I want my mom to come see me and our children. But her life is there, and with her mom gone, I understand. She also says that I have Rachelle, that I'm not alone. She's right. I feel supported and loved by my wife.

Another thing my mom said is that I used to lean on my gramma. Now, I have to learn to lean on the Lord even more. There's a lot of wisdom there.

I better go and put the dishes in the dishwasher.

Life Goes On:
1. Our roof is leaking and our phones are cracking
2. I worked out with weights today. It's been a while. Trying to get back into life.
3. Tuesday I ease back into work
4. My sister in law returns tonight from Cambodia
5. I registered for Spring at Talbot - Matthew with Hultberg
6. Artist Retreat is coming up - Feb. 4-6th
7. Sunday is a'coming

A Note From Laurie

Laurie lost her mom just a few years ago. She's a jr. high intern at Bethany, and a college student. She wrote me a wonderful note that brought me to tears. Today, I've been in tears a lot. At Sears, talking to Sandi our neighbor, I'm just a mess today. Right now, my mom and her sister are putting away gramma's clothes and stuff. Wow, that's hard. There's a sweater of hers that I loved to see her in, there that one, I want to keep that one in my closet. I'll be okay. It's going to be okay.

Dear David,
...but just remember that the Lord is in control even when we don't understand, and He is always there to comfort us and hold us up when we can't on our own....I will continue to pray.

Love,

Laurie H.

Psalms 22:2-3:

"2 O my God, I cry out by day, but you do not answer,
by night, and am not silent.
3 Yet you are enthroned as the Holy One;
you are the praise of Israel."

This reminds me of another song I wrote a while back:

"I've needed you so much/In bed I've cried to You/These clouds that come to me/This rain is not so new/But it was You so near/Who never walked away/Carried the weight and took my pain/

Thank You

cem2
Originally uploaded by dtrigueros.

Thank you to all who came, who prayed, who thought of grandma today. Her funeral was hard but good. She was buried amidst a heavy downpour, her "showers of blessings." Thank you to all our family, many who came from far away. There were over 150 people at her funeral, in heavy rain, in two languages, of all ages, from Bethany (my church) and her home church Iglesia Cristiana Hispana, and many friends including Mrs. Green, the lady whose house my gramma cleaned for over 20 years.

I leave this moment with a song I can hear her sing now:

"Tu Fidelidad es grande/Tu fidelidad incomparable es/Nadie como tu bendito Dios/Grande es tu fidelidad."

"Your faithfulness is great/Your faithfulness is incomparable/No one like you, blessed Lord/Great is your faithfulness."

Good night. I am exhausted. Every one did great today. Blessed be the Name of the Lord.

Verses That Fill My Soul

In times like these, the truth of Scripture washes over me and restores my soul:

Philippians 1:21: "For to me, to live is Christ, to die is gain." - As my sister Marcia said, gramma is now in the 'gain'.

Job 1:20-22: "The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away; may the name of the LORD be praised. 22 In all this, Job did not sin by charging God with wrongdoing." - The Lord gave us gramma, the Lord has taken her away, Blessed be His Name!

1 Cor 15:55: “Where, O death, is your victory? Where, O death, is your sting?” 56The sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is the law. 57But thanks be to God! He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ." - Satan has no hold on my gramma, she belongs to Jesus.

I've also been worshipping God, listening to Fernando Ortega, a man of deep theology, culture and soul. "Light of Heaven" and others have been great.

Today, while doing the lawn, tears began to flow. I kept telling gramma I wasn't ready for her to leave, yet I will be okay. I will continue forward, and I thank God for all she shared with me. She taught me so much about home stuff. Just now, I thought she walked into the kitchen and I turned around. I will miss her.

Four years ago, I wrote a song after my dad died that I now dedicate to gramma. It's called "For the Glory of Your Name" and the line I like best is the 2nd verse:

/And when in Heaven I arrive/and this faith becomes my sight/with my crown before your throne Jesus/it is you that i'll adore/

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For directions, sign guestbook, general info. O'Connor Mortuary provides this great service:

O'Connor Laguna Hills Mortuary - Obituaries.

The Grieving Process Today

A few days ago someone asked me an awkard question, "is the grief work you did with your dad helping you with gramma." I said it is, but my heart sank.

The grieving process for my gramma is what it is. I have another friend who wants me to be doing better than I am. I'm not doing bad, I'm working the system, moving forward, doing well. But I am where I am. I just lost one of the most significant people in my life. Yes, I've done the grief support, the counseling, it's all been great. I did that when my dad died and it's been helpful today. But this is now. Sure that's all helped, the 'new normal', the 'four stages of grief', anger, sadness, etc. But this is now and I'm moving through it. I am deeply saddened, tears roll down my eyes often. And I also aware of the joy and hope of Heaven, it's all in there. All of you who've lost a loved one understand.

After my dad died, our grief counselor told us to wear a button which read, "Please Forgive Me, I am A Grieving Person." I still have that button.

We don't grieve as those who have no hope (1 Thess. 4), but we still grieve. Like my father in law said, "this is a Royal Pain" and it is.

I remember that God first gives the family a sort of anesthetic during these first few weeks. Then the real work begins. I asked my aunt Sheila yesterday what was the hardest part for her after her husband died 6 months ago, was it the burial, the hospital. She said, it's the missing.

I miss my grandmother. Thank you for praying for us all. We are all grieving together, this is going to be a long journey, but we'll get through it. God walks besides me.

Funeral Info

Amanda Morales Funeral Service
When: Friday, January 7th, 2005
11am, East Side Christian Church, 668 Obispo Ave. Long Beach, 90814
12:30pm, Cemetery, Forest Lawn Cypress
1:30pm, Luncheon back at East Side Christian Church

Directions to East Side Christian Church
From LAX (North)
405 S
exit Cherry Ave. South, go South
L 7th St.
Corner of 7th and Obispo
668 Obispo Ave. Long Beach, CA

From San Diego (South)
405 N
exit Cherry Ave. South, go South
L 7th St.
Corner of 7th and Obispo
668 Obispo Ave. Long Beach, CA

It is Over

Gramma died peacefully tonight at 6:15pm and is now in the presence of the Lord free of pain. The Lord gave us gramma, the Lord has taken her away, "blessed be the Name of the Lord." (Job 1)

We took her off the respirator at 6pm tonight after being unstable all day. And in 15 minutes, surrounded by all her children and I, she went to be with Jesus. My grandmother knew of the Lord in a personal way, and we don't "grieve as those who have no hope." But we still grieve. (1 Thess. 4)

She went peacefully, without pain, her eyes closed, all of us holding her hands, loving her face and hair, while her numbers slowly dwindled. Her pulse, her heart, her breathing, all began to slow down naturally, normally peacefully. It was a natural part of life, a privilege to be there.

Her service will be sometime this week, we still need to finalize those details. She will have her service at East Side Christian Church in Long Beach, CA her Spanish church, with her pastor Candido Alegria. She will be buried at Forest Lawn, Cypress.

We spoke to our children tonight. Canela (almost 6) asked about when she would be put in the ground. She said that only her body would be there, and her spirit would be with Jesus. Isabela (3) was sad, she kept saying, "I don't want gramma to die."

Personally, it's been a day of tears and happy memories. I grieve, I miss my grandmother. Being home brings her to mind. Right about this time, she would usually walk in the kitchen, I can hear her slow, quiet pace, to get a little something. I will miss my grandmother. This will be a long road. But I know my God walks besides me and I have friends and family near me.

We have received many calls and notes. Thank you for your love and support, we need it. We'll keep you posted.

Gramma is Unstable

We just got a call from Leslie the head nurse and she said we should come now because gramma is unstable. This morning we just got back from the cemetery taking care of all those details. I'm doing better. God is our strength. The time is near.

My Sister's Insight into Dad's Death

My sister Amanda, is due with their 2nd in a week. She was there when my father died four years ago and here reflects on some of those memories compared to my grandmother's condition. I am so thankful for these words:

"Hi David, how is everything so far?

...As I can see and imagine, there hasn´t been much change with gramma, but I do understand also how you must be feeling , exhausted, tired, unpatient, and many other feelings there. I also imagine you´re still trying not to lose hope in the Lord that something good could happen with her, which we also hope for. I think that one of the best things you can do right now, since there isn´t much to do, is as you say in your Sunday article, try also to concentrate a little on other important things, which you feel will keep your mind off gramma at least for a short moment. I´m not saying it´s easy and please don´t think I don´t care, it´s just that since you´re not feeling too well, I think this is what you need, and going to church and doing what you like to do there, can be very helpful also.

...You´re a true blessing for all of us David, and I´m also sure the Lord is with you in these moments and will be there to guide you through this new stage of your life. It won´t be easy, we all know this, especially since we´ve been through something similar before, but you know God´s been with us and what can we do against His will?
One last thing my dear brother, I would like you to know, in case I haven´t told you, is that when our dad was in the hospital many people would come to pray for a miracle, and I was fine with that because I knew it wasn´t impossible, but most of all, because I knew this was what mom wanted to hear and wanted to believe only. And to me seeing my dad there in a comma was too hard, almost impossible to bear, but I had to be there to support my mom. Anyways, the doctors were just waiting for my dad to die, since to them nothing else could be done and maybe you could think how unsensitive they were, but they were just being honest and never kept the truth from us. So, what I´m trying to say is that there was a moment when I realized I had to stop praying for a miracle because it just wasn´t going to happen, and not because I had started to lose faith, but because I had realized that was just it. God had already decided it was dad´s time to meet with Him, so then I started asking he Lord to take him as soon as possible so he wouldn´t suffer much longer and we wouldn´t have to suffer seeing him there for more time either, and you will not believe this, but I felt the Lord answered this prayer, which came of course with so much pain, but which I knew was the right thing to do.

So, David I want you to analize my words, I´m suffering too even though we´re so far away and I cannot see gramma, but pray so the Lord helps you make the right decisions and that your prayers are also the correct ones.

Please know we love you lots, we´re constantly praying here at home and the people from church in their homes too, so don´t forget to maintain us informed. Remember you´re our only source. Tell my mom I´m fine, still waiting for her other grandaughter to come and trying to keep calmed to have strength for that moment. Thank you for your prayers, which I´m sure you continue to have for us. I really hope this new baby brings us all a little breeze of happiness in the middle of so much sorrow.
God bless you all and tell mom to call at least for a little while to hear how is she feeling. This is very important for me, I´m sure you understand.

Okay, bye for now. Love, your sister,

Amanda"

Today is Sunday

This morning I feel better, a little dizzy. I'm going to try to rest. My family will be going to the hospital around 1pm.

Today is Sunday and I'm thinking of my church and the love that our family has already received. I'm also thinking of our band, how awesome friends they are. They are leading worship this morning, and I wish I was there with them. Ron, Greg, Keith, all have been close during this time. And many more from the church. God uses the Body to help during hard times.

I've been reading Psalm 103. My grandmother had this posted in her room during the last few weeks before this happened.

Salmos 103 (Spanish) ("1 Bless the Lord O my soul, and everything that is within me, bless His Holy Name..."
Alabanza por las bendiciones de Dios
Salmo de David.
1 Bendice, alma mía, a Jehová,
Y bendiga todo mi ser su santo nombre.
2 Bendice, alma mía, a Jehová,
Y no olvides ninguno de sus beneficios.
3 El es quien perdona todas tus iniquidades,
El que sana todas tus dolencias;
4 El que rescata del hoyo tu vida,
El que te corona de favores y misericordias;
5 El que sacia de bien tu boca
De modo que te rejuvenezcas como el águila.
6 Jehová es el que hace justicia
Y derecho a todos los que padecen violencia.
7 Sus caminos notificó a Moisés,
Y a los hijos de Israel sus obras.
8 Misericordioso y clemente es Jehová;(A)
Lento para la ira, y grande en misericordia.

I am Not Feeling Well

Tonight, I got really dizzy, my arms got cold and I couldnt' drive home. I am exhausted. Today, I didn't eat very well, hardly slept last night, then spent 3 hours at the mortuary doing all the arrangements. That was exhausting. Plus the ups and downs of each day, how are gramma's numbers, that's all been hard. I need some rest.

Gramma's numbers are not in yet tonight, they did a test this morning and she was at 20. They did another test tonight. So we wait another day and tomorrow we'll see where she's at.

I miss my grandmother so much. My mom is praying for strength for me and all of us. Tonight, Susie brought us dinner, I've been so moved by those expressions. Last night Karen and William did the same thing. Wow, we feel so thankful, and the food is yummy. This morning pastor Greg came to see us at the hospital, it was so good to see his face. Gramma's pastor Candido also came by.

Tomorrow is Sunday. Gramma has been in the hospital for 10 days. This has been a long journey. I don't know how much long of the waiting I can handle. We're here for gramma, loving her, and doing all we can until the very end. We're praying for a miracle. Trusting God's will.