How does this feel? This loss of my grandmother. It feels like the music that has been playing is off. Hey, who turned off the music?
It feels like a living being who walked among us is now gone. Like only her ghost is now around, yet not around. A living person, a woman full of life, walking around the kitchen, in her room, living room, is missing. Like a missing person. Hey, where did she go?
The noise of her being gone is deafening, and it's getting louder. Lord, help me.
Do I want to be left alone? Not really. With my dad I did, I normally process things alone. I write songs alone, read verses alone, etc. But this time, like a proud parent, God is watching me do this in relationship with my mom, my wife, our sister in law, her parents, my church staff, Sandi our neighbor, Keith, Greg, Ron, Laura, Matt, Dave, Chris, Brian, so many more. I need you my friends and loved ones. Don't stay away. I will need time ALONE. I will take that time to be alone. But only for a moment. Much of what I feel is physically tired, I didn't sleep well last night or the night before. I have been though. I get emotionally tired of being 'in the real world.' I'm not isolating though. Except for a few moments here and there. Give me that space, yet I want to be around you. Both are true.
I feel God's grace this time in a fresh way. This time as compared to when my father died four years ago. The difference, letting go. God had brought me to this place of my grandmother's death about 2 years ago. It's weird, but I was ready. Yet I was so NOT ready. You know what I mean? I'm doing much better than I would have done, had I not gone through my father's death, the grief support group, Sue Beeney my counselor. About a year ago I began to realize grandmother was loved by many more than just me. I saw this at Don's funeral in San Francisco. My grandmother was loved, cared on and off cars, just like I did for years. But now, her other relatives, her children, were doing the same. My uncle would take her to Big Lots and Sears, not just me. Rachelle would call SSI and Dr. Arguedas, not just me. I still carried much of the responsibility. That was my job, my role, my desire. But others began to do that also. Mina, my aunt from up north, kept saying to me just last week, 'you're not alone, you can't carry this alone, you're not the only one carrying this, we need to help you.' And everyone did.
I grew up worrying about gramma. Someday, I will write about Latino boys and their gramma's that raised them. That's a whole other book that needs to be written.
I remember when I was 12-13, gramma would wake up around 2-3 am with high blood pressure, her nose would bleed, she would try to be quiet in the living room where she slept, but I was awake. Like God woke me up. I would wait until she was back in bed, other times she would go to her sewing machine and turn the sewing machine light one, a very dim yet telling light for me - she wasn't feeling very well. I would stay up for hours, waiting. Then I would go to her bedside, and hug her, pray with her, sometimes sleep next to her. I've done that my whole life, just in different ways. It was a tight yet loving cord around my throat. I loved it, yet it felt alone. Then, I woke up. Others loved her, again I've already said that, I wasn't alone.
I'm missing my grandmother today. I feel tired. I have faith in Jesus, she's with Him in heaven, don't think that's tired hope, or made up stories, it's as rational as day. I believe it, it's my hope and strength.
Life continues. Ron's grandmother's funeral is today, Jeff our funeral director and friend is in the hospital today. Kristy's grandfather died, his funeral is tomorrow. Life, pain, continues. My neighbor's car broke down this morning and was being towed.
Joys? To be here with my family, with Rachelle, our children, my mom. She's here until next week. My sister is having a baby any day, her name will be Andrea Lynette. I don't feel happy today. But I have hope to know that I'm not holding on to both ends of the stick. Gramma's life was held by her Savior, her family and yes me. I was glad to do that for my 35 years of life. I feel I came to the States with that assignment, to take care of gramma. Now, my assignment is to live, love my wife even more deeply, to live for our children, this ministry and Church, and most of all to know my King Jesus more deeply.
