Welcome back.
I'm reading "Searching for God Knows What" by Don Miller and he's got me thinking. That guy is an amazing writer. I like his honest, conversational, stream of conscience style. It feels normal, comforting, not fake. No wonder people like Anne Lammot.
I've been thinking about what God is doing in my life lately. Actually, I haven't been thinking about my life, God has been talking to me about my life. That's more like it. What is he saying?
I don't know. But I feel more at peace. Maybe I'm just getting older.
My life is hectic. Big deal right? Ministry, marriage, three small children, grief work, illness, restlesness. Bono said, "there's nothing I haven't already heard....I'm just trying to find a decent melody, a song that I can sing with my company...." I can't say that completely, there's still a lot more for me to experience and live through and know, but I understand where he's coming from. Getting older, losing loved ones, life, does that to a man.
Amidst it all I find myself at peace. Like the peace before the storm. And I don't mean the storm is bad, it's just different.
I'm a mystic poet artist with his feet on the ground. Do not try this at home. I've been in the modern church for 13 years as a full time pastor, in a large church, multiple staff. Developing leaders, leading worship, influencing staff, artists, growing, serving and making my fair share of mistakes. I've been accussed, misunderstood and often unheard. I've been wrong many times, but I've been right as well. None of that matters, what matters is to do it unto the Lord, to do it from a pure heart, to do it as a sinnner growing in grace, extending that grace, willing to own up to my mistakes, able to challenge and exhort, but to do it with gentleness and love. Keeping the unity of the Spirit and the bond of faith, loving the Body of Christ more than myself or my gifts, and remembering that we're all on the same side. The need is great. Downtown Long Beach needs Jesus. So does Nicaragua, and Peru and Russia. Africa and Ukraine, Hungary and El Salvador.
There have been times when I've felt mad at the world, like I needed respect or like I had to have others tell me I was good, right or great. Something like that. I still need that, but it's not that important to me anymore.
I want what my church planting friend said about his second church planting experience. "The first time it was all about me...this time it's about the church." I want that. I feel like I'm okay not having it be about me. I want to preach, lead, write, be an author, a rock star, be spiritual, sing, dance, act. I want to be that guy and this guy and all of them all at once. That's still true to some degree, but it's not as interesting to me anymore. I want to worship, to be passionate for the Kingdom, to see leaders developed and my life to count. And I don't want to have to say "Jesus" every 2 seconds to prove myself emergent. Using His Name as some sort of proof of membership. "I say Jesus, you say Lord, I'm emergent and you're wrong". Please.
So whatever happens next, I'm at peace. At peace with God, at peace with myself. Not at peace with my lack of God, my selfish nature, my sin. But at peace with my need for a Savior, my need for a King, my need to be less self-focused, less harsh, less legalistic, less isolated, and more full of grace.
This summer I'm going to Russia, I have a lot do to get ready for that. I need to pray, to help our team, to step out of my comfort zone, to learn the "Banana song" and lead worship with 70 elementary/jr. high school children in a foreign language. This week, my paper (now 1 week over due) is still due. I need to get to that.
Life keeps going. But in the middle of it "it is well with my soul", amidst our three little ones playing in the sand box in our back yard, Isabela's pending ear surgery, my date tonight with my wife, Canela's learning to handle the emotional ups and downs of kindergarden girls (boy, that came quickly!), and the loss of my precious grandmother Amanda Morales, I am at peace.
And I know that:
- I need Jesus
- I need His grace
- He loves me and wants me to be in community
- I live for my King
- You are My Lord
- I belong to the Body
- I love my wife
- I love our children
- I miss my grandmother
- I still have a mother and two sisters
- There are way too many I's in this list
- I'm alive!
- It is well with my soul
- Jesus is King!
Into the future,
davidT
